Chase a dream without remorse

footprint in the snow
Made in Canva

I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.

I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.

I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.

Life is a smorgasbord

small chocolate cakes

Smorgasbord (a.k.a. buffet) is not only something we eat on Stockholm cruises everytime we go. It’s also life. It’s all about choices. There is a lot of them and sometimes we don’t like the choices we make. Or we don’t know what to take because everything looks tempting. The other is to have enough courage to try something new.

I wish I could be like how Anthony Bourdain was (RIP) He was never afraid to eat what he was offered. He always tried something new. I could never do it. I’m very picky about food and I’m always reserved for trying something new. Once I was brave enough to try sushi which I would never have done when I was younger. I didn’t like the food but at least I tried. I’m not only picky when it comes to food. I would want to be brave like Bourdain but with career choices. I’m probably the most indecisive person there is. I just think and think but I’m too much of coward to do anything about it.

I’ve had a lot of ideas about what I wanted to do. I was at the smorgasbord of career choices but there were just too many things I wanted. Or too many boring choices. I was too concentrated on what I wanted to do so other people have gone past me on the life train. Age is nothing but a number and it doesn’t mean experience. Some 20 years old can have more experience than me. I might have more life experience but it doesn’t mean I’ve tasted life more. In some things, I can be more experienced but not when it comes to jobs. There’s a big gap in my work history. The employers would probably think what I’ve done all my life if I hadn’t studied something. Now I still don’t have a job so some people would probably think something is wrong with me. Well, so what? No one is perfect. There’s is no time machine so I can’t go back and change my past.

There is a choice on the smorgasbord of career choices and that’s entrepreneurship. I’ve been to the course and found information of it by myself. I even have a business plan. So what am I waiting for? Mostly courage I think. It’s so hard to start anything when you have so much else to do. Maybe it’s because it’s summer and holiday season so I just wait for Autumn. The only thing I know I’ll do is the graphic design course. For now, I just want to explore the smorgasbord of freedom. I think about those other things later.

Restart all over again

ctrl alt del pillowsI don’t know how many times I had to restart things through my life. I don’t seem to get anything done. Most people already have so much more than me. I’m still in the same place I was when I was a teen. I live on the same street. I still spend my time on my childhood home. The only difference is that I’m older. I guess I’m just loyal. Mentally I’m a different person. I’ve been through life a different way than others. I experience death since I was 6 so my life has never been normal. Despite downfalls, I have got this far. Bad experiences have taught me to look at life in a different way. I’ve accepted things and then moved on.

What I had to restart the most are career choices. I’ve found something that has interested me but then I’ve changed my mind. It’s neither for me or the way to success is too long. The problem in finding a job in this country is, there are jobs in occupations I’m not interested in. I don’t want to restart anything occupation related again. Life is too short to have a job you don’t like. Too many stays because it pays the bills. It’s alright if it’s temporary but you shouldn’t set in your ways. I rather have a job I like and feel comfortable with. That’s why I always wanted to do something creative. But so does a lot of other people which is a bummer. I read an article the local newspaper where it said women and older people feel the most discriminated in a workplace. I already feel discriminated by not getting a second look by employers. I don’t really know if I should bother at all. Working for someone else that is. Some people are so demanding. They want you to do be something you’re not and they expect you to be perfect. They want you to dance to their tune. Then, of course, there are the other employees you have to work with. I would rather work alone then trying to fit into the company’s standards.

So I wouldn’t be completely out of doing nothing. I applied to a labour market training program for people who are thinking about entrepreneurship. I got in after applying to a few others. It’s mostly self-studying but there are at 5 meetings with the group. I could get information about having your own company online but I learn better if someone tells me about it. In a way, it’s another restart for me. I really hope all that studying will pay off because I don’t see I find a job soon. It’s not an easy road to have your own business but if I don’t try to take a chance, I’ll probably regret it. I really should be braver to do things but it’s not easy for me. I really don’t mind restarting things as long as I don’t need to do it over and over again.