Finding your style. Finding your niche. Finding your voice. There are different ways to say it. You can also say, finding your sound and it doesn’t need to mean music or any other sound thing. Finding something I want to do that I wouldn’t get bored of has been the hardest thing. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve studied more than work. Sometimes I wonder if I chose the wrong sound.
In blogging, finding the right niche hasn’t been the easiest. I know I wanted to be different and write about a lot of things but a lot of people don’t want to read about everything. I wouldn’t either because there are only 24 hours a day and I need to sleep. Recently my posts haven’t got that many likes which make me wonder are my blog posts uninteresting. I mean, I do have 671 followers and only a small part likes the posts. Maybe I’m just nitpicking. My kind of blog wouldn’t get 50+ and I’m not expecting that either. I’m really glad I get likes for my older posts from time to time. Finding your sound in blogging doesn’t come easy. You have to experiment and then find the sound later. That’s just a hint for new bloggers out there. Unless you’ve already found yours.
When I studied graphic design in Helsinki Design School, our illustrator teacher said something like. It’s not about being a person who thinks they can’t draw, it’s about what style you have. I don’t remember if it was exactly like that though. So my style must be drawing awful and ugly things. Yeah, that will sell. Just being sarcastic there. Drawing just isn’t my thing and why should I try to get better at it. There are a lot of other real artists out there. I don’t know what my sound in graphic design I have. There seem to be so many others doing the same thing so how can I compete with those. Maybe when boring and nothing special gets popular. The education was supposed to motivate me but it was the other way around. The teachers were just too nice to tell me I didn’t have what it takes. Maybe it’s my imagination. All I feel is a failure when it comes to design in general. But don’t take it as a white flag for surrender. What do teachers know anyway? Pro or not. They just teach you the basics and the rest you have to find out yourself.
I’ve found the sound I want to dance to and that’s something creative. I never wanted to do anything “normal” I could do something like that for a while but I wouldn’t want to do it all the time. I don’t want to do just one creative thing but several things. Finding your own sound doesn’t happen overnight. It takes some time to find it but I’m sure I will.
I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.
I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.
I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.
Smorgasbord (a.k.a. buffet) is not only something we eat on Stockholm cruises everytime we go. It’s also life. It’s all about choices. There is a lot of them and sometimes we don’t like the choices we make. Or we don’t know what to take because everything looks tempting. The other is to have enough courage to try something new.
I wish I could be like how Anthony Bourdain was (RIP) He was never afraid to eat what he was offered. He always tried something new. I could never do it. I’m very picky about food and I’m always reserved for trying something new. Once I was brave enough to try sushi which I would never have done when I was younger. I didn’t like the food but at least I tried. I’m not only picky when it comes to food. I would want to be brave like Bourdain but with career choices. I’m probably the most indecisive person there is. I just think and think but I’m too much of coward to do anything about it.
I’ve had a lot of ideas about what I wanted to do. I was at the smorgasbord of career choices but there were just too many things I wanted. Or too many boring choices. I was too concentrated on what I wanted to do so other people have gone past me on the life train. Age is nothing but a number and it doesn’t mean experience. Some 20 years old can have more experience than me. I might have more life experience but it doesn’t mean I’ve tasted life more. In some things, I can be more experienced but not when it comes to jobs. There’s a big gap in my work history. The employers would probably think what I’ve done all my life if I hadn’t studied something. Now I still don’t have a job so some people would probably think something is wrong with me. Well, so what? No one is perfect. There’s is no time machine so I can’t go back and change my past.
There is a choice on the smorgasbord of career choices and that’s entrepreneurship. I’ve been to the course and found information of it by myself. I even have a business plan. So what am I waiting for? Mostly courage I think. It’s so hard to start anything when you have so much else to do. Maybe it’s because it’s summer and holiday season so I just wait for Autumn. The only thing I know I’ll do is the graphic design course. For now, I just want to explore the smorgasbord of freedom. I think about those other things later.