Narrowing down is the hardest thing

two yellow lines on asphalt
Photo: Andrew Martin Pixabay

When you’re a person who likes to do more than one thing in their life, narrowing them down is the hardest thing. Sometimes I wish I could narrow my interests, but I’m not that kind of person. I could have achieved so much more if I had only concentrated on a few things. It feels like time is running out, and I don’t have time to do anything. I need to have time to be lazy too. I thought I wanted to be one thing, but my interests got somewhere else. That’s how my life has been. So many choices but so little time. Maybe one of the reasons why I have had so many problems with decisions is that I think the grass is greener on the other side. Perhaps I’ve been too unrealistic with what I’ve wanted to do in my life. It isn’t a lack of support from other people. I subconsciously don’t dare to do things because I’m too scared of failing. Or maybe I’m just too lazy. It can also be like that because I failed many times, so I don’t want to go through it again. I know when you fall, you get up again, but still, I don’t get anything done.

I could have narrowed things down, but I like to be versatile. I never wanted to have an ordinary job, so it was difficult to know what to study. When I finally do, that’s not enough either. The reality is that some people are narrow-minded, even if they might think that they aren’t. Their opinion is that you need to have specific education and a certain amount of job experience to be good enough to be in their little group known as ‘their business’. You need to be a student or have an amount of experience to even get an internship. Neither way, you can’t gain experience if you’re not allowed to practice your skills in a job. I’ve started to believe I’m not meant to be a graphic designer. At Helsinki Design School, where I studied some years ago, I didn’t get the encouragement I expected. I got the assumption that I’m only average compared to the others. One time I got feedback on a poster I made about my city from one of the teachers. I should have done some research, and she wouldn’t have put it on her wall. I know my town, so there is no need for it. I just think she didn’t understand my style. One opinion doesn’t make me believe I’m bad at graphic design. Drawing isn’t my strong point anyway. It makes you think twice, though. It’s the same with photography. I doubt my skills in that too. Seeing other people’s work doesn’t help me either. It’s a little depressing. It makes me think I’m not good enough at anything. It feels like I’m an outcast and don’t belong to this creative business club. Maybe I have wasted my time and life thinking I have what it takes to be a graphic designer. Or any other job where design is concerned.

It’s a positive thing to have knowledge of many things instead of only having one narrow one. Both have a good and a bad side. If you know about many things, it’s also more challenging to choose between them. If you have a narrowed skill, it’s easier to improve that. Either way, both are needed. If there is something you can’t do, there is always someone who can. I only wish someone could have some use for my skills in the workplace, but I guess there isn’t. Too bad for them.

Finally orchestrated what I want

Made in Canva

Finding something that satisfies you the most can be difficult. Especially when you’re young and need to decide what you want to do with your life. You think you have to decide there and then what you want to do for the rest of your life. But it’s not that easy. You can’t decide on your whole life. It changes and your opinions changes. You’re allowed to change your mind. What you thought as a teen doesn’t necessarily apply when you’re an adult. It shouldn’t even be like that. You should grow and move on. Experiences change you. People change you. You should become wiser as you get older. Maybe still make the same mistakes because in certain things you never learn. When you finally orchestrate what you want, you feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

It took me years to discover what I wanted to do in life. I tried to study different things but I didn’t find anything that I would feel passionate about. Nothing seemed to feel right. I was so concentrated on what job I wanted to do so I missed out on other things. You can’t really miss anything that you never had though. I was independent and I didn’t need anyone else. My priorities were elsewhere so I didn’t think much about it. I’m also very hard to please in certain things but that will remain private. I didn’t want a so-called normal job. I wasn’t looking for a miracle either. If you want things done, you need to do them on your own terms. I was lucky to have parents who supported me to choose what profession I wanted. Some parents might push their kids to the limits and that can cause other problems later on. I was free to do what felt most natural. My parents knew I couldn’t be told what to do so they didn’t force me to. I’m still like that. Apparently, before I learned to walk, they wondered when do I actually start to do that. I crawled a lot and one day I just stood up and started walking. That’s a story my dad told me. Maybe I was just careful or I was afraid to start walking. It could also be because I didn’t want to get rushed. I wanted to do it in my own time and that’s how my life has been. I don’t like rushing things because then the quality won’t be good. In that sense, I’m a perfectionist. In certain other things, I’m not that fussy.

When I finally find that thing I want to do, I don’t get to do them. That’s graphic design. At my current job (which I’m temporarily laid off from) I don’t get to do much design. I was only there for two weeks until this coronavirus came. The job is mostly internal and external communication. Now when I have free time I could practice the programs but now I think about something else instead. I don’t even think I’m good enough to be a graphic designer but I still want to do it. I’ve thought about the web design but that seems too much work. I can hardly update my own website. I would like graphic design to be the main thing. When my current job contract ends I wish I didn’t need to look for a job in the open market. Maybe this break from the job is a sign for me to start something on my own. The time is probably not right now because businesses are in trouble and it’s harder to find clients. This would be a good time to at least think what kind of services I should have. I’m just glad I don’t have to think about what to do in life anymore. Finally orchestrated what I want and that is a relief.

No need to hold my hand

Made in Canva

Actually, this coronavirus is a blessing in some way for me. My free time from work is now extended to April 13. That means it’s also during my real holiday, which is Easter. No need to hold my hand because I always know what to do. It’s the same if I didn’t have a part-time job. The only thing that it’s different is that I still get paid. Another thing is that no one wants to shake your hand. I never really understood why you have to do that when you meet a new person anyway. The same with the hug thing. Then there are fewer crowds around and you can walk around in peace. I’m not a person who likes to show emotions in public. It depends on what it is though. Couples holding hands is another thing. Are they afraid they get lost from each other or what. I just see no pointing in it. Kissing in public is also gross. Each to their own. Personally, I wouldn’t do it in public no matter how much in love I was. You can tell someone you care without touching.

I don’t need to hold anyone’s hand when it comes to choices. I’ve chosen to go my own way and not depending on friends or classmates. I’ve studied things I wanted to study and not what others have wanted. Some teenagers who went to high school only because their best friend did. But I could never have done that. By the time I was 17 I wanted to get out of school. High school wasn’t for me. Besides, I hate reading and I hate Math too. I prefer doing things which is one of the reasons why I’ve chosen to study creative things. Even though was first education was in healthcare but I only went because my mother said it was at least something. I’m actually grateful for that now. Otherwise, things could have been different. Some people would probably say, at least you would have better job opportunities if I’ve continued to study health care instead. But I hate needles and not a fan of blood either. I always thought you should study things that interest you and not because it pays well or there are more jobs available. I will rather be unemployed than be in a job I don’t like. I don’t why you should be pushed to do something you know you’re not suitable to do.

Advice is always welcome but I rather do my own decisions. I’m not driven by money or ambition. I’m driven by independence and feeling good about the things I do. There is no need to hold my hand. I can found out things on my own. Maybe I need guidance at first but then I can do it by myself. Maybe not when it comes to writing articles or making leaflets about events at work though. I’m still not confident enough when it comes to that. I still haven’t got used to the workplace ways of doing things. Learning that is now on hold because of this crisis we have in the world at the moment. Who knows how long that will take. I don’t need any hand-holding to that either because bacteria are everywhere and washing your hands after you touch stuff is no brainer. Certain people just don’t see the obvious so you need to hold their hand. Metaphorically speaking of course.