My ponder years

person with a question mark
Made in Canva

First of all, I had the flu so I was tired to blog much. I still have some of it left but it’s getting better. Secondly, I’ve been busy doing something else but that’s beside the point.

The job interview I went to last week. I don’t think I got the job because I haven’t heard anything from it. But what else is new. This really has been a ponder year again. When one thing is finished, you should have another plan. I had ponder years before and I always managed to do something. I applied for employment training but no word from that either. I won’t be very disappointed if I don’t get that. I’ve changed my mind about that since I applied. It’s about coding and among other things which I don’t like that much anyway. It’s typical of me to get excited at something but then changing my mind about it. I ponder about different things for a long time before I decide anything. This time I both applied for a job and for the education I mentioned. But now the excitement is gone.

It’s the same with life choices I’ve made. I ponder and then decide but then I realise it’s not something I want to do after all. I want to focus on different things but I get no experience from anything because no one wants to give me the chance. Things you learn in school is not the same as you learn from life. I don’t ponder about why I’m not wanted because it’s not my fault people find me uninteresting. I don’t care what people think of me anyway. I can only be the person I am. I don’t find quilt in what I’ve chosen to study or how to live my life. I haven’t felt any pressure to be something I’m not. A lot of people do things just like that but someone in this world needs to be the ponder one. Problems with people today is that they don’t ponder about things a bit deeper anymore. They run around like they’re pants were on fire. Soon computers do all the thinking and humans walk around like zombies.

Sometimes you need to ponder about things deeper. Especially when it’s about important life decisions. Like something about your future or at least near-future plans. No one can make them for you. Your decisions might not please everyone but you’re not doing it for them anyway. You need to look out for number one, yourself (or your family if you have one) What’s outside that is second importance. Ponder about that.

Which way to go and it can not be ephemeral

next step with chalk
Made in Canva. Photos from Pixabay.com

Here I am again, thinking about what to do next in life. It’s summer so I don’t really want to think about it. I applied for a job but I doubt I even get an interview. I just hate when people want to define you from your application and they only want what benefits them. Applying for jobs is just that. Trying to impress people who probably don’t even care. They expect you to dance to their tune. When I make a decision about what the next step might me, it’s usually ephemeral. I wish I could stick to something in the long run but I’m too indecisive. I didn’t expect my education in Helsinki Design School to open any new doors but I didn’t want it to stop everything again either. I feel I already studied everything I wanted and now I want to practice what I’ve learned. I don’t even know if I learned anything. It was the same with web design. I learned these things in school but when the real world came, I was totally lost about what to do. It’s not like I’m operating on people but still, it makes me nervous. Not even getting an unpaid internship doesn’t help the matter.

I’m never been good with decisions as I’ve written in this blog many times before. I have the attitude, I can do it tomorrow, but I never do. Then it’s suddenly been 2 years or so. People who are younger than you get the opportunity because you hesitated. Getting out of your comfort zone isn’t easy in practice. It’s easy for someone else to say it to you than actually doing it. There are thousands of tips online about how to make faster decisions but they’re no use to me. I can’t do it anyway. It’s easy to choose about what movie to see or what to eat, then making decisions what you want to do with your life. There are people who have studied in Helsinki Design School and they started their own business. During studying there. If not with their own business but other successes. I wish I could have been one of those people but I never got around doing it. But I couldn’t concentrate on two things at once. That’s one of the reasons I never worked during any education I’ve been in.

I’m not even sure I’m ready to be on my own but what can I do if I can’t find a job. I’m tired of doing nothing and not having any near future plans. It should be my decision to do what I feel and not waiting for acceptance from other people. There are many ways to do things and you don’t need to do everything anyone else does. I want to make a decision that isn’t ephemeral. I want to stick to decisions that are long-lived.