My confidence level depends on the day. Some days it’s 0, the others is 9. I don’t know if it’s an imprecation or just the way I work. I never seem to know what I want out of life. I don’t feel confident around other people. When I’m on my own, I feel I can be myself. In the beginning, when I meet new people, I try to be outgoing. But then it gets tiring, and I keep to myself. It feels like no one is responding to me, so I let it go. Why stress about it how others see you? For example, when I started the filmmaking course, I talked to a person, but now I don’t say anything to anyone. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing, but people never ask me anything. I have to take the initiative, and it’s stressful for an introvert. Finns are only open when they know the person. Or if you’re a tourist, they are nice to you. It’s hard to make friends with a Finn. Even for the Finns themselves. We are all strangers at first, but I don’t know how people become friends if they never ask things about you. I don’t know how I had friends when I was a kid. It was easier then, I guess.
I’m confident about certain things, but then reality hits, and they are dashed. One of them is working somewhere, and I do my job well. But others might not think the same. How would they know when I’m not getting a job anywhere? I’m confident I can get a job one day, but those hopes disappear when I don’t get one. There is some kind of imprecation hanging over me regarding job searches. A healthy person shouldn’t be treated like this. But there are a lot of others who won’t get hired either, no matter what they try. You can’t get more confidence if no one wants to give you a chance. Many people lose their confidence when things don’t go how they want. I haven’t lost mine because my confidence level rarely gets to zero. If you lose your faith in yourself, feeling blue is easier. What others think about you is not relevant. Especially those who want you harm. Like the song, ‘Greatest Love of all’ by Whitney Houston, whatever they take away from me. They can’t take away my dignity.
At our latest meeting in school, we had a producer who taught us about movie production. He said you should do things even if you’re afraid. It’s true, but it’s not easy for someone who prefers getting away from situations like that. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I have been running away from things I’m afraid of all my life. I’m a dreamer and not a risk-taker. I have a temporary confidence period, but then I get nothing done anyway. I know I should, but something stops me from acting. It’s not about being afraid of failure; I’ve been through that many times; it’s about not having enough confidence in my skills. I don’t want to spend time with something that won’t get results. It’s not easy to start something when you don’t know if you got what it takes. Becoming an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things, to begin with. That’s better than having to try to please employers to hire you. At least then you can get more confidence in what you do. One thing is for sure, my confidence level is better than it was when I was younger. I guess that’s what life experiences give you.