Tag: education

Please drop me a bag of confidence at my door

Mia2 Comments
confidence word in a bag
Made in Canva

I wish I was as confident in design as I am at writing fan fiction. I can use my imagination in that but not when it comes to other creative things. I feel I never gonna be any good. Even in the school assignments we have at Helsinki Design School feel like I have no talent at all. I can do crap probably but nothing someone would pay me for. Especially when it comes to drawing and illustrations. One of the assignments is to make a poster about your city or make something up. It should work as an outdoor advertisement. I make one of my city. I have this thought in my head the feedback will be “it looks too computerized” Like I got in the feedback on the Christmas card I did. I have the ideas but when it comes to making them, it’s totally different. Drawing on a computer isn’t easy when you only have a mouse. But I don’t think I can draw that well on a paper either. Please drop me a bag of confidence at my door because all I do is putting myself down. Posting drawings online or photos don’t get much attention. People just want to be nice instead of telling me how bad they look. If you got nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all, I suppose. The ability to draw isn’t important in graphic design though. There are so many better ones out there. If every designer could draw, there would be more unemployed illustrators. I shouldn’t feel bad about not knowing to draw because I’m good at other things.

There are so many good graphic designers so you feel like you’re garbage compared to them. I watched on Youtube a few portfolios where people show with motion graphics what they’ve studied and what projects they worked on. Most of them are in their 20s. How can you compete with them? They get a job before you ever do. I wish I knew at 20 what I wanted to do. Maybe I would got better or realised I’m not good enough and I would start over with something else. You need to have good ideas when you work with design but mine is not. I never get any new perspectives or fresh ideas. It feels like I’m not made for design. But there are other people who think the same some time in their life. It’s called imposter syndrome. Anyone can feel they’re not good enough. Also in life, you can feel you’re lying to yourself about your abilities. You don’t get better overnight. It takes time. I just hope it won’t take for years for me.

Design is not the only thing I don’t have enough confidence in. Also starting something on my own. It seems I won’t find a job in the open market. All they want is someone with years of experience and almost perfect skills. And young of course. Finland now has a new government but that won’t change anything when it comes to job search. If you have your own business there’s a lot of bureaucracy and also all about making a brand etc. It would be easier to get a job with someone else but when you can’t get one, what can you do. I keep thinking about this situation I’m in and there is no way out. If I don’t have confidence in my graphic design skills, how can I feel confident in entrepreneurship? I keep my goals small and one of them is finishing this graphic design education. What comes after that is a mystery.

Follow your dreams so I went back to bed

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follow your dreams
From Canva

Ever feel like you’re the only perspicacious one in this world and others are idiots? You don’t think you’re better than others though. Everyone makes stupid decisions sometimes. I have days I feel like an idiot. But I don’t make a habit of it like some people do. Some days you don’t want to get out of bed because you meet idiots all day anyway. Dreams you dream at night are much better than following your dreams in real life. In life, some don’t want you to become anything. No one should give in for idiots but yet you’re too afraid to take risks. I really admire people who do anything for their dreams no matter what others say. I wish I was like that but in this case, I’m an idiot.

I’m a dreamer and honestly, it’s upsetting me. My mother used to say I’m not firm enough. Especially when searching for a job. I don’t believe in my own abilities. Even now when I study graphic design, it feels like I haven’t improved much. I’m always in doubt if it’s my thing after all. Others seem to be much better at what they do and I’m just an amateur that no one wants to hire. Not even for free. At least I know what I’m not good at. You should concentrate on things you’re good at. Drawing is one I always sucked at. One of our school assignments for this month is drawing an Easter bunny. But it’s really hard.

bunny sketches
My sketches of bunnies that I did on the plane to Playa del Ingles.

None of these is good for an Easter bunny. I’ve done more but they all awful. It should be on a package of a bag of Easter candy/sweets. I looked for how to draw bunnies step by step on Pinterest but the ones I draw look nothing alike. I can’t draw a good bunny out of my head. They all look like crap in the picture. I won’t be saving my life with illustrations.

It’s mostly about your attitude of how you see things. I try to think positive even if it’s sometimes hard. Some things can bring you down so you think nothing will ever change. There is a lot of motivational quotes on Pinterest and online so reading those makes you feel better. The world is full of idiots but do not let them spoil your spirit. Don’t lose your perspicacious because the world is going mad.

Here is to hope

Mia2 Comments
rainbow in the horizon
Made in Canva

Maybe I’m being unrealistic but there is always hope no matter how bad things get. If I didn’t have it I would probably not be here today. You need hope to get through with life. If you give up too easily when things get tough, hope will be pointless. I have experienced loss and grief but having hope to move on has helped me get through them. Having too much hope can also make you feel blue when things don’t go the way you want to.

Having so many disappointments can make you bitter but it can also make you look at things differently. I’ve expected too much about the educations I’ve had. I thought I would have at least more work experience but no luck. Educations don’t seem to help anything. Finding a job is the only thing I’ve lost hope for. Only young people seem to get internships. On one workplace they had these young interns and they get to work with real projects. People like that will always get a better chance that I ever will because I lack experience. I feel like a loser because I’m not wanted anywhere. It seems that you’re too old even when you’re under 50. I don’t know what job I’ve good for. Even now when I study graphic design it feels like I’m an amateur. Some people seem to get all these great experiences and I’m still running in circles. Nothing much as changed in 10 years. I don’t even want to look what’s on offer because I know in advance I won’t have a chance. You need 3 or more years of job experience and skills I don’t have. I’ve been stupid for believing education would help to get a job. Internships don’t mean anything. But that’s better than nothing. Some don’t even have that. Still, having studied hasn’t totally been in vain. I’ve learned things I didn’t know about before. Learning new things is good for your mental health.

I hope to find some solution to these dilemmas in life. I don’t want to be someone who gives up hope because of someone else. You should enjoy the small things of hope. For me, music is one form of hope. If I feel down I listen to songs that cheer me up. It’s incredible how effective music is. It takes all the worries away. Here is to hope, cheers. 🍸