I’m old enough to know what I value in friendships. I haven’t been that lucky with that. From my past experiences I’ve learned what I don’t like in a friend. I’ve written about friendships before on this blog. You can find a few links about it at the end of this post. I have a few precedents of it so I know what I’m talking about.
The most important thing is honesty. A person who pretends to be my friend and then find someone else has no place in my life. I had a friend in school like that. There were days when she chose that other girl to spend her time with. I was just a substitute when she had a disagreement with the other one. With honesty, I don’t mean you should judge someone by the way they dress or something like that. Honesty is telling you they have another friend and not pretending they want to be your friend. I rather be told they don’t want to spend time with me than being ignored. It hurts more than honest words. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend they shouldn’t pretend to be so. Fake friends are easy to find. It’s the honest ones you have to search for with cats and dogs. If you had bad experiences of friendships, it’s no wonder you don’t want to get close to anyone or let people in your life.
I value respect in a friend. Someone who accepts you for who you are. A true friend doesn’t tell others how to dress or trying to look a certain way. Friends should respect others opinions and don’t start a fight over something they don’t agree with. We can’t always agree but you shouldn’t stop being a friend because they don’t agree with you. They shouldn’t talk crap behind your back. A true friend doesn’t make up rumours. I don’t know if my so-called friends made up some rumour and frankly I don’t care. They had no respect for me because if they did they wouldn’t have ignored me. A friend who spreads rumours is no friend. Maybe their own life is so empty so they have to make up things. Respect is also about supporting a friend in their life choices. If it’s about careers or relationships. A friend doesn’t put you down and saying you’re doing it wrong or you don’t have what it takes. Being supportive is true friendship.
Trustworthiness is important in any relationship. If you can’t trust a friend, you can’t really be a real friend. I don’t remember if I ever told anyone a secret but that’s not the only way to lose trust in a person. If a friend pretends to be a friend but still doesn’t have any respect for you, you can’t confide in that person with anything. The risk can be that the person tells the other friend what you have told your friend. So you keep things to yourself instead. Once you lose trust in a person it’s difficult to get it back. Sometimes it’s lost for good. It’s better to find new friends than trying to get the trust back. I’m happy I didn’t need to have these people in my life. I went to a Finnish Swedish school and when I got a Finnish only school, I didn’t see the old classmates anymore. I haven’t had any problems like this in my adult life. I’m just more careful when it comes to friendships.
I don’t deny my past experiences haven’t affected my life because they have. It hasn’t made me weaker though. Actually, it’s the opposite. The problem is not about trusting people, it’s about finding someone who has the same interests. Or at least have something in common with. I haven’t found anyone like that in real life. They always seem to be in a different wavelength than me. A true friend is someone you can confide in. They don’t judge you and you can say anything to them without having to worry they don’t want to continue the friendship. When I meet new people I always have to think before speaking so I don’t say too much. I wish I wouldn’t need to worry about that. Since I never had a friend who stands by me no matter what happens, I don’t really know what that’s like. Maybe I find that kind of friendship when I’m really old. Friendships don’t see age. In life, you never know. A friend can appear from anywhere. In this case, patience is a virtue.
Look to the future and don’t dwell in the past. But what if you feel there’s nothing on the horizon. Then you look to the present. That’s where the most important things are. Sometimes looking to the past is a reminder what you’ve been through. You learn from your mistakes and you make sure they won’t happen again. The people you met in the past and the experiences you’ve experienced, moulds you into the person you become. You could put the blame on the people that hurt you or it can make you stronger.
I thought about the years I had in school the other night. About my old schoolmates. Some of them were my friends and some were not. There was one in particular who only wanted to be my friend when she had a fight with her other friend. I don’t know what kind of issue they both had. Now when thinking about it, it was really childish behaviour from them. I always wondered why girls only spend time with their best friend and no one else are allowed to be with them. When boys socialise, they can be friends with a lot of other boys. Maybe there’s more jealousy between girls which is the reason you hardly see girl groups with more than two people. Since those experiences with fake friends, I refused to be a substitute for anyone. I prefer being a loner. If I meet new people, I hardly get to know them. I can talk to people, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t even suggest them if we could keep in touch. If they want, they can take the first step. The older I get, the less important having friends is. It’s an introvert thing I suppose. If you don’t ask, I don’t tell. Foreigners who live in Finland, say how difficult it is to become friends with Finns. But it’s also difficult for Finns to become friends with other Finns.
Life is too short to have fake friends. A true friend is someone who stands by you through the bad times. I guess all those true ones have lost their way because I haven’t found one. I really have had bad luck with friends. One moved to another city with her family after 1st grade. One I thought was my friend, talked bad things about me behind my back. The same with another friend in 5th grade. It’s no wonder my trust in another people is the way it is. One through friend, my mother, passed away but that’s something you can’t control. Having friends online is different from the ones offline. But that’s better than having no friends at all. In a way, friendships are a little important to me. I wouldn’t mind if I had at least one friend close by but no one is on the horizon right now. I am alone but not lonely.
I can spot a fake person a mile away. It’s a bit exaggerated but close. I think you learn to see the fake ones, the more experience you get from them. First you see them as a possible friend but discover later that they’re just pretending to like you. They can already be your friend but still stab you in the back.
I had friends like that. I had a friend in elementary school who I spent my time in and out of it. We used to go buy candy after school. I didn’t know at the time that I was the one who had to pay for it. My mother told me later that she’s just used me for that. Luckily our class spirit was high so I had other friends. I was still friend’s with her but I saw her differently when she said something about me to another class mate who was nice enough to tell me what she had said. This person who I thought were my friend, the person who was the only one who attended one of my birthday parties when the others couldn’t make it (the curse of being born in the beginning of summer vacation I might add 😉 ), talks shit behind my back. I got to know about it through another friend which is better than not hearing at all. Which comes to the next fake person.
I flunked 4th grade so I had to leave my old class behind. It was a shame since in this new class things weren’t as good. The first year went OK but when the 5th grade came, it was hell after that. There was this girl who I went to the same daycare center with when we were kids. We became friends. I don’t know what happened but her other friend who were this who turned the others against me. My “friend” chose who to be friends with. One day she wanted to spend time with me and the next with the other. When she had a fight with her other friend, suddenly I was good enough to be her friend. One day she wasn’t my friend at all. This Miss Petty was more important. Speaking of fake. She probably thought she was so perfect. She couldn’t even sit at the same table in the cafeteria because she couldn’t stand my bad skin. This former friend told me about it. Well, I’m sorry for being a teenager. I was one year older than them anyway.
Once in gym class I accidentally smiled and this friend said to me “Don’t laugh at my friend” In this annoyed voice. I wasn’t laughing at her friend at all. It was just so immature of her by reacting like that. It was really childish when I thought about it years later. She was the most fake friend I ever had.
This experience did have some effect on me. I lost my trust in people and found it difficult to find new one’s. I learned to be alone. I didn’t need friends because what’s the point if they really don’t want to know you. I recognised they were fake. They pretended to be friendly but they just wanted to mock me.
One good example were when I went to business school. My class was full of fakes. One asked me if I had a driver’s licence and looked at me like I was retarded. Why were they asking if I had? One invited me to they’re drinking party. For mocking that’s for sure. It was probably because I was quiet. They didn’t even bother getting to know me. I happened to say something in class once and they gave me “Wow, she can talk”- look. Well duh. I might not say much but I’m not mute.
What I remember most of my time in this school was this guy who asked me if I’ve been in a horror movie. At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant. “How come?” I said. “No special reason” was his reply. Only when I started to remember years later about this I realised, he meant I was ugly. If it had happened now I would had said something. “Well have you looked yourself in the mirror lately?” Or “yes I have” and would have said “Boo” in his face. He wasn’t good-looking either so maybe he’s been in one. I was only there about a year and then I gave up. One of the reasons was these narrow-minded class mates.
I’m much stronger person because of these bad experiences. I would never let people treat me that way again. I’m so used to be alone so friends only feel like a hindrance. If I take part in events or studying, I never even try to become friends with others. I rather meet people, talk to them possibly but that’s about it. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. I’m my best friend. I know everything about me and trust myself. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I can be happy alone but at least I don’t get hurt my other people’s lies. Some might think this kind of approach is not healthy but it works for me. It does have it disadvantages though. I’ll probably become one of those old ladies with cats. Minus the cats obviously. I’ve accepted my destiny, to be alone without friends as depressive as it’s sounds. Alone, not lonely. See the difference. There are a lot of people out there who are nice and who are not fake. Those are the people who matters. But I’m just too lazy to find them. As long as internet works I’m never alone. There are fakes there too but I know one when I see one.