Narrowing down is the hardest thing

two yellow lines on asphalt
Photo: Andrew Martin Pixabay

When you’re a person who likes to do more than one thing in their life, narrowing them down is the hardest thing. Sometimes I wish I could narrow my interests, but I’m not that kind of person. I could have achieved so much more if I had only concentrated on a few things. It feels like time is running out, and I don’t have time to do anything. I need to have time to be lazy too. I thought I wanted to be one thing, but my interests got somewhere else. That’s how my life has been. So many choices but so little time. Maybe one of the reasons why I have had so many problems with decisions is that I think the grass is greener on the other side. Perhaps I’ve been too unrealistic with what I’ve wanted to do in my life. It isn’t a lack of support from other people. I subconsciously don’t dare to do things because I’m too scared of failing. Or maybe I’m just too lazy. It can also be like that because I failed many times, so I don’t want to go through it again. I know when you fall, you get up again, but still, I don’t get anything done.

I could have narrowed things down, but I like to be versatile. I never wanted to have an ordinary job, so it was difficult to know what to study. When I finally do, that’s not enough either. The reality is that some people are narrow-minded, even if they might think that they aren’t. Their opinion is that you need to have specific education and a certain amount of job experience to be good enough to be in their little group known as ‘their business’. You need to be a student or have an amount of experience to even get an internship. Neither way, you can’t gain experience if you’re not allowed to practice your skills in a job. I’ve started to believe I’m not meant to be a graphic designer. At Helsinki Design School, where I studied some years ago, I didn’t get the encouragement I expected. I got the assumption that I’m only average compared to the others. One time I got feedback on a poster I made about my city from one of the teachers. I should have done some research, and she wouldn’t have put it on her wall. I know my town, so there is no need for it. I just think she didn’t understand my style. One opinion doesn’t make me believe I’m bad at graphic design. Drawing isn’t my strong point anyway. It makes you think twice, though. It’s the same with photography. I doubt my skills in that too. Seeing other people’s work doesn’t help me either. It’s a little depressing. It makes me think I’m not good enough at anything. It feels like I’m an outcast and don’t belong to this creative business club. Maybe I have wasted my time and life thinking I have what it takes to be a graphic designer. Or any other job where design is concerned.

It’s a positive thing to have knowledge of many things instead of only having one narrow one. Both have a good and a bad side. If you know about many things, it’s also more challenging to choose between them. If you have a narrowed skill, it’s easier to improve that. Either way, both are needed. If there is something you can’t do, there is always someone who can. I only wish someone could have some use for my skills in the workplace, but I guess there isn’t. Too bad for them.

“What a bunch of A-holes”

Ever felt that whatever you do or say, you get no response? You work hard but you get no encouragement or a pat on the back. You feel everything you do gets ignored. You just don’t want to waste your time doing anything. It makes you want to yell “What a bunch of A-holes” you are, in their faces. Scream at the top of your lungs like there’s no tomorrow.

That’s what I feel about blogging and writing in general sometimes. I can write whatever but still it feels useless. Maybe I’m not that good. It’s difficult to get better when you never get feedback. What I hate most is asking for it. Can’t people think by themselves? Do I have to ask separately every time? I understand the common reader doesn’t have the ability to analyse things. But I’m not expecting that anyway. My blog is probably not interesting enough. People seem to care more about personal lives or world issues. But I’m not gonna go down that road. I did give out some personal issues but those were important. But I won’t make a habit of it. Even if I ask questions or ask feedback, I never get any anyway.

What frustrates me even more than this blog writing, is fiction writing. I’ve had a few online (about Formula One drivers mainly) I got likes and some comments but I never got any feedback that could improve my writing. That’s one of the reasons I stopped posting them. It felt all that hard work went to waste. I put my heart and soul in them. Then I got nothing in return. I didn’t even bother writing new ones. My fiction enthusiasm disappeared. I just didn’t bother because I felt no one would read them anyway.

I wrote that 6 month ago. And it’s happening again. In both blogging and a fan fiction I wrote. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I know I should write even if no one would read them (some do though) but it just gets annoying sometimes. I’m sure most writers do get frustrated but they still seem to keep on writing. Me on the other hand don’t. I just stop because I feel like I’m wasting my time. I rather do something else than write. If I do write, I just keep it to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t post online at all. Fiction nor blogging. No caring, no sharing. People just don’t deserve reading anything I write. Or maybe I’m just too demanding. Internet is a big place so its obvious writings gets lost in the internet space. Whether its Facebook or Twitter.

Promoting your stuff online is a pain in the neck. It takes time, they say. But how long does it take? I’m not that patient. I’ve had this blog over a year ( or maybe it’s 2) and still it feels like I’m writing to myself. Well I am but I also want to share. What’s the point of having a blog otherwise?

I’ve come to the conclusion that if people don’t find or read my blogs, it’s their loss. I’m pleased about what I write and I will continue no matter what. With or without anybodies help.

(Visit my Fan Fiction Haven)