Leaves you answered with a question mark

question marksThe world is full of questions. It doesn’t matter what age you are, it always makes you bewildered. Some questions bring more questions. Some questions can’t be answered since there are different opinions. Some things no one has found the right answer to (e.g. cure for a disease) A question that everyone goes through in their child or adulthood, what to be when you grow up.

That’s something that bewildered me. Some people might find it irritating that I can’t decide. Just do something, they could say. But I don’t want to do just about anything. I’m picky and I don’t like to take risks. Maybe I’m afraid of failure. In a way, I am a perfectionist when it comes to decisions. Even if I did get support from my parents and I wasn’t forced to become something I didn’t want to. I knew what I didn’t want to be. That’s the easiest part. It’s quite rare for me to get excited about something. I might get interested in one thing and the next something totally different. That’s one of the reasons why my resume has a lot of different educations. You would think I could find a job easier because I’ve been through so much. But this is not a perfect world. Here, only job experiences matter. I don’t have a lot of those either. Some ask themselves why they can’t find the one. My question is, why can’t I find the job.

When I was a child I wanted to become a baker because I loved to bake. But then I realised you have to get up early in the morning and baking is not as fun as I thought. Especially when you have to clean everything afterwards. You romanticize occupations you see people do and when you find more about it, it’s not as interesting as you thought. I’m glad I’ve at least had some taste of different jobs through education. I wanted to become a journalist at one point because I wanted to meet celebrities. Then when I studied, I realised how difficult it is. There you need to know how to listen and write at the same time which I can’t do. I didn’t like to write that much either. An author was also one occupation I thought about but then you don’t get paid much for it unless you write a best-seller. At least not in Finland. I’m not that good either that I could make a living from it. Besides, I would probably get bored.

My problem has always been not being focused enough. My interests are so wide-ranged it’s difficult for me to stay at one or two subjects at a time. I’m both an introvert and a Gemini, both get bored easily. I also need my relaxing time. I don’t want my life to be surrounded by work. Unless it’s a job I really love doing. I keep changing my mind when I can’t find a job or I’m uncertain of what I can do. Even this web designer thing is giving me negative thoughts. I’ve found something I want to do but the way things are going, I don’t know if it’s really for me anyway. I know I shouldn’t give up. I should keep looking no matter what that voice keep saying. There are always solutions to most questions. The Internet is heaven for finding answers. It makes you feel less alone with your problems. Today, for example, I had a problem getting to the Admin part of my blog and I found the solution online. Without that this blog post wouldn’t have become reality. So some questions can be answered and you don’t need to be bewildered.

My great expectations

hepatica

I’m my worst critic. I’ve never completely satisfied with the things I do. You don’t see it on the outside. It’s a constant struggle. I’m too modest and I expect too much. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve studied different things. I get excited of one thing and when I see it wasn’t what I expected, I move on to the next one. Sometimes I wish I was more adventurous so I could stick to one subject for a longer time. I’m like a kid lost in the supermarket. There’s so many things I like but I can’t find what I’m really looking for. Everything looks good but then my great expectations kicks in and I get lost again. It’s easy to know what you don’t want.

There are a lot of different advice how to find your niche online. But it’s easier said than done. At least for me. If it’s finding a career you want to have or what you’re blog is gonna be about. It has taken a lot of time for me to find it. A lot of other people in my age already have a career and a family. I’ve been stuck in a rut and it doesn’t help I’m getting older each year. The closer I get to be something, I fail. The consolations are that there are a lot of people who had found their niche in an older age. You don’t need to be 30 and have everything figured out. You should also never compare your life to others. We all walk different paths. Our views change too. The people I knew when I was in school, probably doesn’t have anything in common with me anymore. I wouldn’t even want to find out what they do these days. Their not part of me anymore, if they never did. I don’t expect them to care either. I rather meet new people than stay in touch with the old ones.

I know in what kind of environment I want to work in and with what kind of people. If I could I would rather be by myself without having to go anywhere. But then again I want to have people around from time to time. It’s a bit of this and bit of that. Being indecisive is no picnic. I really envy those who know what they want. I’m no go getter, I’m the one who prefer being in the background. I’m too lazy to work hard.
That’s what I’ve noticed while studying. There are a lot of work to be done before this education is over and I haven’t even started yet. It feels to overwhelming and it shouldn’t be so difficult. Quite a few of other students in my class have quit for whatever reason. But I’ve come this far and I’m not about to give up. I should really get a grip of myself, like my mother used to say. I should find a client for the next on the job learning but I haven’t even thought about it. I thought I had so much time but it’s getting closer. Actually I thought there was much more time to do any of the assignment we got. I’ve just been to busy doing other things. One thing I’ve at least done, was getting an own domain and a web hosting service where I can make my portfolio website. At least I’ve done something.

Maybe I finally find my niche in web design. At least I don’t feel mentally bored. I actually quite enjoyed what I’ve learned and working with a client (even if it was through email) It wasn’t easy because of the coding stuff and I got a fed up but I managed to make the client satisfied. I don’t know if web design will become my job but I know I don’t want to be unemployed when I graduate. Web design is not only designing websites, you also get to do other creative stuff. I get to exploit my past education so it hasn’t all been in vain. I hope this is not one of my great expectations because I don’t want to be disappointed in myself again. I really need to jump off the spinning wheel. The sooner, the better.