My confidence level depends on the day. Some days it’s 0, the others is 9. I don’t know if it’s an imprecation or just the way I work. I never seem to know what I want out of life. I don’t feel confident around other people. When I’m on my own, I feel I can be myself. In the beginning, when I meet new people, I try to be outgoing. But then it gets tiring, and I keep to myself. It feels like no one is responding to me, so I let it go. Why stress about it how others see you? For example, when I started the filmmaking course, I talked to a person, but now I don’t say anything to anyone. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing, but people never ask me anything. I have to take the initiative, and it’s stressful for an introvert. Finns are only open when they know the person. Or if you’re a tourist, they are nice to you. It’s hard to make friends with a Finn. Even for the Finns themselves. We are all strangers at first, but I don’t know how people become friends if they never ask things about you. I don’t know how I had friends when I was a kid. It was easier then, I guess.
I’m confident about certain things, but then reality hits, and they are dashed. One of them is working somewhere, and I do my job well. But others might not think the same. How would they know when I’m not getting a job anywhere? I’m confident I can get a job one day, but those hopes disappear when I don’t get one. There is some kind of imprecation hanging over me regarding job searches. A healthy person shouldn’t be treated like this. But there are a lot of others who won’t get hired either, no matter what they try. You can’t get more confidence if no one wants to give you a chance. Many people lose their confidence when things don’t go how they want. I haven’t lost mine because my confidence level rarely gets to zero. If you lose your faith in yourself, feeling blue is easier. What others think about you is not relevant. Especially those who want you harm. Like the song, ‘Greatest Love of all’ by Whitney Houston, whatever they take away from me. They can’t take away my dignity.
At our latest meeting in school, we had a producer who taught us about movie production. He said you should do things even if you’re afraid. It’s true, but it’s not easy for someone who prefers getting away from situations like that. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I have been running away from things I’m afraid of all my life. I’m a dreamer and not a risk-taker. I have a temporary confidence period, but then I get nothing done anyway. I know I should, but something stops me from acting. It’s not about being afraid of failure; I’ve been through that many times; it’s about not having enough confidence in my skills. I don’t want to spend time with something that won’t get results. It’s not easy to start something when you don’t know if you got what it takes. Becoming an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things, to begin with. That’s better than having to try to please employers to hire you. At least then you can get more confidence in what you do. One thing is for sure, my confidence level is better than it was when I was younger. I guess that’s what life experiences give you.
I only celebrate birthdays and Christmas holidays. I don’t care about Valentine’s Day or Friend’s Day, as we call it in Finland. You should celebrate it every day. You don’t need to do it only on this day. I don’t know why you should have a particular day for it. Maybe it’s just a way to rub it on people doesn’t have friends or loved ones. Either way, it’s an unnecessary day.
When I was a kid, I had birthday parties. It was nice to get presents. We had cake and played put a tail on a donkey. That’s what I had when I turned 6. Birthdays were important then, but as older as you get, you don’t celebrate them the same way. Who wants to get old anyway? The last time I had a birthday party was when I was in 5th or 6th grade. Today all I need is a meal with dessert, and then that’s over. Last year I was at some kind of party, the Duran Duran concert. People only congratulate me on Facebook because that’s what the notifications say. I don’t get many congratulations anymore. Maybe they don’t care. Actually, I don’t get any responses on whatever I post. I only post for myself, so I don’t feel so bad.
I haven’t had any friends since 9th grade, but I have managed without any. The last time I saw my former classmates was over 20 years ago. I don’t even know if they’re still alive. You lose touch with people for different reasons, but that’s life. Some find new friends, but some don’t. In the filmmaking course I’m doing, I won’t have any contact with my classmates when it’s over in August. I talk to them, but that’s about it. Typically, I don’t have much in common with people. They’re not on the same wavelength as me. They’re not asking me anything either, so it feels like people don’t want to get to know me. It’s their loss. I have other things to think about.
Different people celebrate in different ways. Some have big parties where they go dancing, and some celebrate quietly at home. There are no right and wrong ways to celebrate. You do the way you feel like. I only celebrate birthdays and Christmas holidays quietly without a big fuss. For me, other celebrations are only an ordinary day among others.
Things never go the way I want to, so I shouldn’t plan anything. All ideas going up the spout. Is it a failure if you only thought about it, or should you do things first and then fail? I have done both. Failed at a thought and failed in things I’ve done. I passed educations and all that, but nothing to brag about. I have had expectations, but they went up the spout. In a way, I’m disappointed with how things have turned out in my life. But certain things just happen, and you only have to accept them. Everyone isn’t made to be anything special. What is success anyway? I don’t know what it means. Staying alive is a success. Getting through difficult times is a success. Keeping on blogging no matter what is a success. You don’t need to have success in the working life to feel it. The world is too work orientated. A job is not everything. It’s nice to have, but it shouldn’t define success. The best success I’ve had is getting a drivers license. It might not make headlines, but it’s great news for me. Especially when I failed to complete it years ago. The second time around is the best.
Other people can live their life the way they want as long as they don’t interfere in mine. I’m not made for living a life most people do. I’m a lone wolf. I’m the happiest when I can be myself. I don’t need people in my life. There is too much drama, and I’ve had enough of those. They say having friends is good for you, but not for me. It’s the other way for me. It was different when I was a child. Maybe they were important then, but I’ve managed without any so far. I’m tired of trying to please other people. The world is full of fake people who think they need to be something they’re not. The people I know personally are only acquaintances, so I wouldn’t call them friends. I don’t spend any time with them. They have their own life and friends. I haven’t seen my old schoolmates for decades, and I don’t want to either. They weren’t my friends. Only classmates I spent some time with. I have nothing in common with them anymore anyway. Why dwell in the past? Doing things alone is much better because then you can do what pleases you. There is always someone too lazy to do the same things I want to do. Travelling is probably the only thing I don’t want to do alone. Especially if it’s abroad.
I thought about entrepreneurship because I couldn’t find a job. I went to a course about it, but that was 3 years ago. Another idea went out the spout. Now I’m not that excited about it anymore. I just don’t have what it takes. I thought I could beat the odds, but then I started to think I can’t even get started, so how could I keep it up. Too many distractions. I signed up for light entrepreneurship service, but that was ages ago. I was excited at first. I could try entrepreneurship without the paperwork and things. But like always, I changed my thoughts about that too. Story of my life. I never get things done. I’ve tried to find work from somewhere else, but I can’t find anything. They say there is a lot of work out there. Yes, but in the wrong occupations. I can’t become something else overnight. The jobs are most of the time in some other city than your own. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m fed up with all the job searches, so I rather want to do something fun and stress-free things. At least for now. So far, any ideas I’ve got has gone up the spout, and I have no energy to think about what to do next.