Broken for a moment

broken window

Broken for a moment

I never have broken any bones, just a fracture

But I was broken for a moment when you went away

I know you wanted me to move on

I was broken for a moment

It wasn’t despair but your death was a shock

You were sick and you knew you wouldn’t survive

I was broken for a moment but now I feel good

I miss you every day but it was for the better

I was broken for a moment but I moved on

You might be there somewhere to look after me

I was broken for a moment but look, mum, I survived

Advent calendar Box 15

advent calendar 15

Today it’s been 4 years since my mother passed away. Grieving is a personal thing. You can imagine how someone feels when a loved one has lost their lives but you can’t know exactly how that person feels. What you do have in common is the sadness you feel. Being sad isn’t fun. It feels like it will never go away. Like everything else, nothing lasts forever. It might feel impossible at first but then it gets better as time passes.

The worst thing about it all is when the person that is very important to you gets diagnosed with a disease that can’t be cured. Or that person gets into an accident and doesn’t make it. Is the people who used to be in your life, suddenly stops keeping in touch. I’ve heard a lot of stories about that and I’ve been there myself. Maybe some people don’t want to bother you or maybe they’re afraid they say something wrong. It’s also because they don’t know how to handle if their friend gets ill or their friends family members.
All you really need to do is to be there. For the sick friend and the family. Someone who is sick or lost their loved ones need someone who cares. Real friends don’t leave when things are tough. The same goes for relatives.

When my sister died in 1983, most relatives stopped having any contact with us. The only one that did was my grandmothers. Even my sister’s friends didn’t keep in touch. I doubt they even remembered her after her death. But those are things that just happen. I don’t think I would have any contact with them today anyway. People have their own lives. It’s different for a person who’s gone through a sickness or death. They have lived in that world and only they know how it really is.

I remember the day when my mother told me her cancer couldn’t be cured. After all the treatments and some hope for the better, nothing could be done. I’m not very religious but I did pray when she got sick and hoped she would win the fight. When nothing of that helps, you begin to think there is no point in praying. But it does make you feel better. I guess that’s the point.
You never think your parents get sick and when they do, part of you dies. It’s usually someone else’s parents and not your own. I was devasted when she told me she would die. Seeing her fade away slowly broke my heart. This strong person who was always there for you was now getting weaker. In a way, she was lucky she didn’t have to suffer for long. It was only about a week when she was gone. It was so close to Christmas and believe me that Christmas was the worse ever. I still feel sad when I think about it.

Cancer is a disease that anyone can get. It doesn’t matter if that person is good or bad. Some cancers can be prevented. Like lung cancer. I can’t understand how some people want cancer voluntarily by smoking. Passive smoking is even worse. It’s not a fun disease. It’s painful and uncomfortable. Some people think they won’t get it but nothing is certain. If cancer doesn’t kill smokers, some other disease will. I rather live a healthy life. These smokers are everywhere spreading cancer to innocent people. I feel sorry for the kids who parents smoke in front of them. I’ve seen those and it’s disgusting. It’s telling them they rather get or give cancer than stop the habit. Cancer of any kind is something I wouldn’t want anyone to have. It’s hard to the person and it’s hard for family members.

So now when 4 years have passed since my mother left this earth, things have been better. I still miss the conversations we had in Swedish and the advice she gave me. I don’t have anyone to do that with anymore. No long walks or bike trips. There will never be anyone like her and no one can replace her. People might come and go but it will never have the same comfortable surroundings. It’s strange that things only come to mind when a person is gone. You start to appreciate things you used to have. They felt like nagging and pampering at the time but in the end, it was only a worry that a parent usually has. My mother still worried about my future when she was sick. She was worried how I will get by. So far I’ve managed. I haven’t fallen apart yet and I don’t think I will. Her death made me a stronger and confident in myself. I’ve had the courage to move on and try new things. I’m still uncertain about some things but I’m not that scared little girl who still needed her mother. It took some time and maybe it wouldn’t have happened if she was still around. I still miss her though and wish she was here when I feel down. I look at photos where she appears and I smile. I’m glad she was my mother and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Clinging to a feeling

cementaryThere comes a times when you need to stop clinging to a feeling. Grief is one. When my mother died, I cried for three days. Before we buried her, she appeared in my dreams. Even after we did, I still so saw her in them but they then faded. Everyone grief in a different way and it takes time to recover. Crying helps to get the bad feelings away. If you keep it inside, it takes longer to overcome it. Death is something you can’t do anything about. The person who died wants you to continue your life. There are still times when I think about my mother and tears start flooding. It’s a way of cleansing your soul. You need to know when to let go and not cling to the past. If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t want to go back. I wouldn’t want to go through my mother’s death again and especially before that. Seeing your loved one fade away is something I wouldn’t want to go back to. I’ve had my own grief counseling and I survived from sorrow. That’s the worse feeling to cling to.

Some people cling too much on hate. They hate this and they hate that. It’s a never-ending circle. If its hate you cling to, let it go. Life is too short for that kind of feeling. That’s the reason there are wars. It continues from generation to generation. When kids see hate, they think that’s the only thing in the world. Adults job is to show kids hate is not the way to go. But when leaders spread hate, its no wonder they don’t know anything else.
Internet is full of hate but there it’s easier to hide behind a computer. They wouldn’t dare saying things in people’s faces. Haters gonna hate but it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a strong word. You can’t really hate a person you don’t know and yet there are those who think they know them. There are things I dislike but I wouldn’t say I hate. Especially not people. If I do, it’s nothing personal. Some behaviours are rude and smelly like smokers but I don’t hate them. Some of them are decent people, except their disgusting habit. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who hates because those people poison everyone’s mood.

A feeling you should cling to is love but there is a limit. Too much clinging isn’t good. It drives things away. The world should concentrate on loving things. Love makes you happy. Not just loving another person but also loving things of the world. If I didn’t love, life would be meaningless. After a long day or if you had bad day, it’s relaxing to do things you love. Putting some music on and write. Watch a movie you’ve seen a lot of times. Looking at pet gifs on Instagram. If there’s nice weather outside, you take a long walk. Searching Youtube for old comedy shows. Taking photographs of random things. Go online searching for information for things you’re interested in. Look for photos of your favorite actors/actresses. Tumblr is a great place for that. Those are things I love.

Cling into that instead of negative things. That’s how I stay positive.
Love your loved ones and show them how much. Do what you love the most and don’t let others spoil it for you. There’s always gonna be negative people who cling on everything they hear and see. They are a waste of your time. I’ve known those kind of people and I was glad to get rid of them. They find a thrill in bringing you down and nothing is good for them. Don’t try to impress those kind of people because they want to see you fail. Jealousy is an ugly thing. You shouldn’t let them get to you because you’re stronger than they ever be. It’s easier said than done but in the end it will make you a better and confident person.