The society expects you to achieve certain things at a certain age. You should have kids at 25, a career and so on. But what if you don’t want to have any of those things. Are you a bad person if you don’t? Maybe in some cultures, it is and your relatives do anything to find you a partner. All women should have the right to choose what kind of life they want to live. I’m not a shoe and I don’t want to be one either. If you want to be a shoe, it’s your choice. Some of us want to fight against that. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky to be born in a country where women have a choice.
I’ve always been someone who wants to be different. Even though at 17 I thought about getting married and have kids before 25 but I lived in a fantasy land then. Now I’m glad I didn’t choose that life for different reasons. Many people study to a occupation and stick to it for the rest of their lives without studying anything else after that. I have had the right to study new things. It does have its downsides but that’s better than be stuck in a rut. You see people complaining about their job without realising there are people who don’t have a job. They should appreciate they have a place where they can go and earn money. Changing your career path is not too late. You don’t have to stay at a job you don’t like. Don’t be that shoe everyone expects you to be. You shouldn’t waste your life on something that you’re not passionate about. You wouldn’t want to wear a shoe that doesn’t fit all your life, would you? If it’s doesn’t fit, get a new one. It’s the same with career choices. If you don’t like your job, educate yourself to something else. Even people with a family have changed careers. Of course, it’s easier when you don’t have one but it’s not impossible either.
Happiness doesn’t mean the same to everyone. For some, it’s having that family with kids. For me, it’s having the freedom to do what I want. I can stay up as late as I want. I don’t need to ask permission from another person to go to places. I can also have crushes without having to hurt someone else’s feelings. It’s much more tempting to be alone than all the drama that people cause. I will never understand the urge people have is to find someone. What’s so bad of being alone anyway? Maybe it’s a thing in the American culture that has spread across the world. You see a lot of these finding the right person in American movies and television shows. If you’ve watched Friends, Chandler Bing says in an episode, “What if I’ll never find someone?” or “What if I die alone?” I would say, what’s the big deal? Be happy you’re single and stop whining, I think when I see it. Some of us aren’t meant to find anyone because we can be happy without relationships. If someone’s purpose in life is to get married and have kids, then so be it but don’t expect everyone else to do the same. Maybe I would change my tune if I found someone worth my time but that will never happen (they are probably taken already anyway) Nah, I don’t need a man to make me feel complete. I do much better on my own. I’m not a shoe because I can also be a purse or a hat like Rachel Green says in an episode of Friends. I can be anything I want and I don’t need anyone’s approval. So be anything you want because you have the right to do so. Everyone doesn’t need to follow the same script of life and other people should respect that.
When I think about fluff I think about fan fiction with no special plot. My life is a bit like fluff. I have my moments but I don’t have a special goal to achieve. I just live for the moment. Don’t ask me what I’ll do in 5 or 10 years since I don’t even know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. I can have plans what I want to do but it takes time before I even try. I guess it’s because what has happened in my life. Unexpected deaths in the family and my school years. I don’t want to think about the future. I’ve had more downsides than upsides so I’ve learned not to expect too much. Life is a mystery and I don’t want any surprises I haven’t waited for. Sometimes I lose faith in me and other people. It’s easier to live for the moment. Less you expect things, less disappointed you will be.
I don’t compare my life with others. I want to be an individual who doesn’t walk the same path other people do. There was a time I wanted things other people had but now I’m happy the way things are. I could always be happier though. Having a job I really like doing is one thing. I also want to see places without having to think I can’t afford it. Money doesn’t make you happy but it’s always nice to have it. I’m totally fine with what I am and I don’t need anyone’s approval. Like I wrote yesterday in One Line Sunday. I’m grateful for what I have. My life is fluff and I don’t need a special plot to keep going.
The older one gets, the more you understand life is hard. But it’s not always in a negative way. The portion of life has its ups and down because that’s the way it is. Everyone has it difficult sometimes but that doesn’t mean you should feel you’re not worth it. I can’t put myself in someone’s shoes who got mental issues because I’m never been depressed. I’ve felt down for a while but I found things to pull up my spirit. It’s easy for me to say, get over it. Only a person who’s suffered from mental illness can understand how it really feels like. When I was a teenager I did think about suicide when I felt things were impossible but I would never have acted on it. Some have it so bad, they actually do try. There have been recent celebrity deaths that have been caused by too much medication. Just take Chris Cornell for example. He had a loving family and a band but still, he ended his own life. We don’t know the real reason and many questions will be unanswered. There had to be more than just too much medicine. The one’s who’s gonna suffer the most is the family. Someone who decides to end their life is selfish. But when they’re depressed, they don’t think about that. Depression should be talked about and not pretending it doesn’t exist. You can’t save them all but suicide shouldn’t be the last resort. If people talked more, a lot of problems could be solved. If you keep everything inside it will get worse. There’s always someone who can help. It’s not easy to take the first step but if it that step doesn’t come from you first, nothing will get better.
When I was younger I went to psychiatrists and talking about my problems did help. Going to one is nothing to be embarrassed about. You don’t need to feel incomplete and ashamed about wanting to get help. You can’t handle everything alone. For me, writing is one kind of therapy. It’s cheaper than paying for a psychiatrist. If you can’t afford one, writing your thoughts down can be a big help. I’ve had a lot of diaries where I wrote what I thought about and what I experienced. Reading them years later, makes me wonder why I even felt what I felt at the time. I wrote a lot of silly stuff too that I now find ridiculous. If I hadn’t written my thought down, I would have been a different person now and maybe I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. All those problems I had then seems unnecessary now. If I had chosen a different path, I would have caused a lot of sadness to my parents. They’d already had lost one child and if I had given up as soon as things got tough, I would have missed a lot of things. Instead of thinking what you don’t have, maybe thinking about things you do have, will make you feel better.
Tomorrow I’ll be turning, urgh, 40. Yikes. Time really has flown by. Becoming older is not fun but it’s not bad either. I’m glad I’ve come this far. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager. I hated that period. I’ve never been a rebel and I didn’t do what others at my age did. I thought other teens were stupid and I rather stayed home with my parents. I had other teen problems. Spots and all that. I wasn’t happy with myself. I let other people treat me like I didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t as confidence as I am now. I got stabbed in the back by friends and I had a hard time to find new ones. I’m still the same. I don’t keep in touch with people I’ve been to later schools with. I’ve learned to be alone and I prefer not to share my so-called space with others. They say being alone is not good for your health but for me, it helps. I get tired of people around. I never know what to say and it feels forced to start conversations. I’m gonna be one of those cranky ladies who stalks their neighbours and complains about their behaviours to myself. Or maybe not. If I could, I would live somewhere in nature with an internet connection and things I like the best. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t meet a single person. That’s my portion of life. Being left alone and be the person I want to be without having to please other people’s expectations.
If I’m lucky I hope this wish for aloneness doesn’t affect my mental health. I’m never lonely which is one of the feelings that makes a person depressed. Sometimes it’s good to see other people but I don’t need to get connected with them. The only time I feel lonely is when I don’t have any entertainment with me. Music and movies make me happy. Without them, this life would be unbearable. Every one should find a way to live as happy as they can. If you need other people around you, then that should be enough to you. It’s your life and you decide what you want to do with it. Happiness doesn’t come from big things. It’s the small things that matter. You can learn a lot from kids and animals. Adults seem to forget how to look at life from a positive angle. If you see everything negative, you think that’s what life is about. There’s too much of that in the news. Life is beautiful and we shouldn’t forget what’s good about it.