Bloganuary: Lie or only denial

lie and truth sign
Made in Canva

I don’t know if it’s a lie or only a denial, but I’m not as good as I think I am. I question my skills all the time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I keep putting off things. For example, since 2018, I’ve thought about becoming an entrepreneur. I went to a course about it too. I wanted to become many things, but I constantly changed my mind. I kept telling myself I was good at something, but then I didn’t get the response I wished for from others. I thought I was only an average photographer, writer or anything creative. I thought I couldn’t make it professionally. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I could. I’m worried people will see through me, but they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. The truth about that I should choose a profession other than something creative. My photos and designs are plain, and no one would want to pay me because they might make them for free elsewhere. That kind of doubt is often in my head.

Sometimes I wonder if people understand what I’m writing about. Am I the writer that I think I am? It’s not like I’m writing a novel here. I’ve got good feedback about my fiction, and people like my blog posts. But my writing is a hobby. I don’t get paid for it. Writing is the only thing I feel comfortable about. I know I’m good at it. I won’t lie or deny it. It’s other things that I think I’m lying to myself about. There will always be someone who is a better photographer than me. The same goes for graphic design and other creative things. I don’t like the “not being good enough to get paid for”- feeling. I have never wanted an ordinary job where you go at 8 or 9 am and then home at 4 or 5 pm. I can’t sit still and do something boring all day. I need change, and that’s what creative work is. But I can’t get hired because I have no job experience in the field. It’s challenging to get any of that.

As an introvert, it’s hard for me to know what my strengths are. I lie, or I’m in denial that I’m versatile, but am I truly so? Is that even a strength? A killer can be versatile by killing different kinds of people. I like doing different things, and I guess I’m doing OK with them. I wish I was more confident about my skills and not always doubting them. Being honest with yourself is easier than lying. But also, you shouldn’t forget that life does not always go as planned. If you lie to yourself about that, then you’re in denial.

Paint your love all over my world

colourful paint
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.

I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.

If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.

Not all nomads are lost

When I started blogging in 2014, I didn’t know what kind of blog I would have. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as everyone else. I wanted it to be different. I also didn’t want my life to be out there on the internet. I’m a private person and I don’t have anything interesting to say. I just wanted to write things down and share it with others. In the beginning, I was disappointed I didn’t get any likes. There are still blog posts that don’t get many. Like the last post. It only got 2 likes. Maybe some got a little more. Maybe I just don’t have anything new to say so I repeat things. You would think people would have time to read blogs right now but I guess not. It just feels like people only like the blog post picture and don’t read at all. Maybe I’m just expecting too much. This is already the 7th year and still, it feels like I’ve just begun. Whatever reason, I’m still gonna blog though because I’m doing it for me. And to practice English.

I’m not that excited about blogging like I used to be. I just feel I have nothing new to say. I’m a nomad because I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog anymore. Luckily I only blog as a hobby so I don’t have to write if I don’t feel like it. If I earned money for blogging it would feel forced to write something. Now I have a choice and if I don’t have anything to write then I don’t. Some people think blogging is for business only but you can also have it as a hobby. So not all nomads are lost. You can find your motivation at your own pace and that’s what blogging is all about. Making yourself feel good and maybe someone else will relate to you too.