Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.
I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.
If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.
When I started blogging in 2014, I didn’t know what kind of blog I would have. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as everyone else. I wanted it to be different. I also didn’t want my life to be out there on the internet. I’m a private person and I don’t have anything interesting to say. I just wanted to write things down and share it with others. In the beginning, I was disappointed I didn’t get any likes. There are still blog posts that don’t get many. Like the last post. It only got 2 likes. Maybe some got a little more. Maybe I just don’t have anything new to say so I repeat things. You would think people would have time to read blogs right now but I guess not. It just feels like people only like the blog post picture and don’t read at all. Maybe I’m just expecting too much. This is already the 7th year and still, it feels like I’ve just begun. Whatever reason, I’m still gonna blog though because I’m doing it for me. And to practice English.
I’m not that excited about blogging like I used to be. I just feel I have nothing new to say. I’m a nomad because I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog anymore. Luckily I only blog as a hobby so I don’t have to write if I don’t feel like it. If I earned money for blogging it would feel forced to write something. Now I have a choice and if I don’t have anything to write then I don’t. Some people think blogging is for business only but you can also have it as a hobby. So not all nomads are lost. You can find your motivation at your own pace and that’s what blogging is all about. Making yourself feel good and maybe someone else will relate to you too.
Instruments don’t always mean something you play tunes with. I can play a real instrument like a recorder and a piano/synthesizer with one hand but that’s not what I had in mind. I mean the instruments/tools you use in your work or hobby. Even doctors and surgeons use instruments in their jobs but they are not for playing a song with. An instrument can also be a metaphor. For example, a parent knows how to handle their kids because they have an instrument/tool for it. They have a way to calm their kids and so on. The instruments I’m gonna write about is things mostly creative people use in their work.
From a writer point of view, a pencil and paper can be the instrument. Maybe not when blogging because then technical devices are being used. Or maybe someone does in some way but I don’t. When I write a story then I use pencil and paper because I can think better about the plot. Things that are hand-written is pretty rare these days. Even letters are written with some other instrument. The problem with writing by hand is the slowness and that your hand get tired. Sometimes I write on the laptop because it’s faster. I actually like writing on the keyboard. It’s easier to find mistakes because the computer is correcting automatically. And if there are words you don’t know how to spell, you can find them online. You can still do that when you write by hand but not that quickly.
Photographers, web and graphic designers also have instruments. Camera, photo editing etc. Adobe programs are the most used. It really depends on what kind of instruments you need and what you want to work with. I know Photoshop, Lightroom, InDesign, Illustrator, Premiere Pro and Dreamweaver. Now I’m trying to learn After Effect where you can make animated stuff. It’s much harder to learn than I thought. It’s like video editing but more confusing. I still don’t really get it. I’ve tried to do tutorials but I haven’t got any decent results. But it’s still new to the whole thing so maybe I get it when I use it. People who are using it like pros and their work are great. I probably won’t use it to anything but it would be nice to at least know something about it. I’m not bravado enough to become a motion designer but it’s a skill there is no harm to have. I want to know how to play multiply instruments when it comes to design. I like to be as versatile as possible. It actually goes with the most things I do. I would get bored if I didn’t have a change from time to time.