A herd, an army, call it what you want

herd of giraffes in the horizon
Made in Canva

Ever felt you don’t belong in a certain group? Everyone seems to belong to a herd of some kind. If it’s hobbies, school or in a workplace. No one seems to have the same interest as you or you study something you’re interested in but still, it feels you don’t belong. You don’t how many times I felt like that. I don’t belong to any herd or army, call it what you want. I’m a loner but still, it would be nice to belong somewhere. Of course, there is always the internet but I’ll never find anything in real life where I could feel I belong. Internet in that sense is the greatest thing in the world. That’s a world I feel most comfortable with. Blogging is one of those things that I feel I’m a part of that herd. It still can a lonely business but that’s something I don’t suffer from. Alone but hardly lonely or how does the saying go.

When I was younger I felt like an outsider and I didn’t like the feeling at all. Now I don’t think about it. I don’t really care. I’m my own person and if you don’t like being by yourself, you’ll never learn how good it feels to be alone once in a while. When I feel I belong in a group, it still feels like I don’t belong. It’s because it’s usually only one thing I have in common with them and the rest is nothing. I’m old enough to know there is no point spending time with people who aren’t at the same wavelength as me. I will rather be alone than feeling bored with people I don’t feel connected to. I can talk to people but it won’t become friendships and I’m totally fine with that. The main thing is that I’ve finished my educations despite that.

I want to walk my own path and I don’t really need a herd. That’s what independence means. Doing things you like and not being forced to be or do something others expect you to. I don’t need a lot of people around me to be happy. That’s the introvert in me. Too much noise and too many people are stressful. In Helsinki Design School last time, I had to take a walk on the break because a lot of people were talking at once. It was a relief to go out and when I came back I felt more relaxed. I will never understand why people want to be in herds when you have to talk loudly to be heard. Pubs and clubs are places I want to avoid. It’s better to follow your own heart than do everything the herd do. If I want to join a herd I think long and hard if I want to follow it or not. But mostly I don’t and that should be absolutely fine for others.

Absent but still here

absent but still here
Made in Canva

I haven’t blogged since Monday but even if I’ve been absent, I’ve still been here. Like in real life, if I don’t have anything to say I don’t say anything. A lot of people think I’m absent if I don’t speak. I’m there but I observe. That’s an introvert way. I can be doing something but I still listen. Except if I write something where I need all my senses. I can’t, for example, listen and write at the same time. I can’t be a journalist because I can’t concentrate on two things at once. That’s the only time I can’t multitask. Other times I can do other things at once. Listening to music and writing this blog, like I do right now. I don’t think I could do anything if I didn’t have something in the background. Of course, the music shouldn’t be too loud. Loud noises or talking distract me and I get agitated.

Sometimes being absent from all the stimulations around you is good. Mine is being in nature and only the birds singing. Unfortunately, there seem to be people everywhere. You could be in a solitude place and then a human walks by and spoils the silence. In the country, there could be more silent places but in the city not so much. Then any silent is welcome and you take what you can. In Finland, there are places where you can be absent from the stress because nature is always close. I’m glad I’m not addicted to smartphones. Leaving my phone at home isn’t that hard. I wouldn’t know what the time is but I wouldn’t get be disappointed if I left it at home. When you go to nature, you should be absent from the internet and concentrate on other things. The life is out there and not on your phone. Some people seem to have forgotten that. I was offline all weekend when I went to Stockholm and it was the most relaxing time I’ve had in a long time.

Being absent from everything for a while do you good. If it’s travelling or a short trip to the beach (or whatever you fancy) You can also be absent but still here. Or maybe it’s just a skill some people have. Either way, getting away from your daily life once in a while helps you keep on going.


Introduction to introversion

yawning ferret
Looks like screaming but it’s yawning

The biggest mystery seems to be introversion. Like it’s something negative. I really need to fret about this a bit more. You won’t get hired because you’re not extroverted enough. It seems that people see you’re introverted as soon as they meet you. That’s what I’ve experienced at least. I hate meeting new people because it’s like it says introverted on my forehead. People notice straight away that I don’t say much and then they’ve already judged me. In job interviews (well that one I got last year) I got the feeling my answers weren’t that satisfying to the interviewer. I was too quiet. Like that’s a bad thing. I don’t know how long answers you need to have. I’m not gonna make things up that aren’t true. I don’t even get that many ideas into my head at one second. I’ll never get a job because I suck at interviews. Actually in interviews in general. It’s such a turn off to meet people because they seem to notice my introversion straight away.

If something would get me deeply depressed, it would be people suggesting me to change myself. My life purpose is not to entertain people. I shouldn’t need to explain myself to others. I’m tired of hiding my introversion and explain I’m not always quiet. But that’s what people see me as. When I introduce myself (like in school) it feels awkward and it can sound like I’m struggling with the words. Then after that, the others don’t want to talk to me. That’s what I dread the most when my graphic design studies begin in August in Helsinki Design School. Last time I introduced myself to strangers I thought maybe I didn’t say things clear enough. No one really said anything to me after that. Maybe the reasons are something else then I think. Sometimes I obsess about things like that and I can’t get it out of my head. It’s a shame people don’t even bother to get to know me because my first impression wasn’t good enough for them. Their loss anyway.

It’s weird that if a person is extroverted, it’s no big deal. You don’t even need to hide it. It’s a positive thing and no one really cares. But if you’re introverted, it’s the opposite. You’re not allowed to tell about your introversion because that will make you look bad. You have to act extroverted and be very talkative when it’s not in your nature. People wonder why someone doesn’t say much but they never wonder why someone talks too much. You can’t really be neither. You can’t be too quiet but you can’t be too loud either. Nothing is good enough but that’s how society works. People expect the impossible. It’s this and it’s that, there’s nothing in between. Life would be much more fun to live if everyone could be themselves. But people want to take the harder route, then the obvious one. Everyone knows there are different people in the world and yet they can’t accept it. They have the urge to put people into categories instead of letting people be what they are.

Dare to be different should be a world theme. If it was perfect that is. Humans just can’t stop nitpicking. If you’re not like them, they wonder why. It’s the questions and what others think of you which is the most annoying thing. If you tell an introvert to talk more, they will get even quieter. Telling a person what they are, makes them feel they’re not accepted. I guess the reason why introversion is seen as negative is the lack of awareness. It isn’t rocket science. It’s shouldn’t matter if you’re introverted or extroverted (or ambivert) because we’re all different personalities. No one is a typical one. We should work together and not against. There are too much of prejudices in the world anyway. We don’t need more of it.