I have a temporary enthusiasm when it comes to interests. I get excited about one thing, but then the golden moment passes. For example, I applied for a job, and they would contact me the following week. Now it’s almost a month, and still no message. I could reach the place, but I’m no longer interested in the job. I prefer to apply for something else instead. I rarely get excited about things, but then when I do, it doesn’t take long. If there were ADHD for making decisions, I would probably have it. My mind is easily distracted. That’s maybe the reason why I have so much unfinished fictions.
I read a column about how you these days need to know what you want to do at 15. It was the same when I was that age; so things haven’t changed. In Finland, you can choose where to study after elementary school. You can go to high school or training school. I didn’t choose either. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I knew I didn’t want anything ordinary. I went to a folk school for a year in education I didn’t want to be in. But my late mother said you need to start somewhere. I’ve had a few schools I didn’t want to be in, but that’s another story. The column reminded me of how many different subjects I’ve studied. It hasn’t got me a job, but I’m versatile. You don’t need to know what you want to be at 15. You have the right to change your mind. Your interests change. I don’t understand why people tell kids they must choose a career at a young age or they’ll be screwed. Everyone doesn’t know what they want to be. We can’t all be made in the same format. No wonder young people get stressed and depressed when they are lied to. Pressure is the worse kind of motivating factor. The golden moment might never happen but never say never. Life is about trying different things; try again if one doesn’t work.
I had an enthusiasm for becoming an entrepreneur. When I studied web design some years ago, I had a taste of working with clients. It appealed to me not having to go anywhere and working when I wanted. I even went on a course about entrepreneurship in 2018. I still had that as an option later on. But now I’m trying the easier way out, finding a job, because starting a business seems too much work and time-consuming. I’m not afraid of working hard, but I’m not getting any younger. Once, I wanted to become a professional photographer. I put all my thoughts into it. I studied it at the beginning of the 2000s. I enjoyed it for two months, but then I quit. One of the teachers put me off it. He was against digital cameras. It was only film cameras, and nothing else mattered. Developing film and all that was too difficult for me as well. I didn’t think about photography as a profession for years. Thanks to digital cameras, my interest in photography was on again. To make the story short. I came to the conclusion I wanted to do more than photography. It’s only been a hobby for me. It would be nice if I could also use it in a job.
People change, and interests change. What you wanted to do when you were a kid, you might not want when you’re an adult. People change jobs and careers every day. Everything is temporary. Once upon a time, people stayed in a job until they retired, but today and in the future, nothing lasts forever. Doing variable jobs during your lifetime is much better than doing one position for the rest of your life. I would feel trapped if I wasn’t allowed to do different things. I end this post with one of the ‘Lord of the rings’ quotes I can relate to.
“What do you fear, lady?” [Aragorn] asked. “A cage,” [Éowyn] said. “To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.”
My confidence level depends on the day. Some days it’s 0, the others is 9. I don’t know if it’s an imprecation or just the way I work. I never seem to know what I want out of life. I don’t feel confident around other people. When I’m on my own, I feel I can be myself. In the beginning, when I meet new people, I try to be outgoing. But then it gets tiring, and I keep to myself. It feels like no one is responding to me, so I let it go. Why stress about it how others see you? For example, when I started the filmmaking course, I talked to a person, but now I don’t say anything to anyone. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing, but people never ask me anything. I have to take the initiative, and it’s stressful for an introvert. Finns are only open when they know the person. Or if you’re a tourist, they are nice to you. It’s hard to make friends with a Finn. Even for the Finns themselves. We are all strangers at first, but I don’t know how people become friends if they never ask things about you. I don’t know how I had friends when I was a kid. It was easier then, I guess.
I’m confident about certain things, but then reality hits, and they are dashed. One of them is working somewhere, and I do my job well. But others might not think the same. How would they know when I’m not getting a job anywhere? I’m confident I can get a job one day, but those hopes disappear when I don’t get one. There is some kind of imprecation hanging over me regarding job searches. A healthy person shouldn’t be treated like this. But there are a lot of others who won’t get hired either, no matter what they try. You can’t get more confidence if no one wants to give you a chance. Many people lose their confidence when things don’t go how they want. I haven’t lost mine because my confidence level rarely gets to zero. If you lose your faith in yourself, feeling blue is easier. What others think about you is not relevant. Especially those who want you harm. Like the song, ‘Greatest Love of all’ by Whitney Houston, whatever they take away from me. They can’t take away my dignity.
At our latest meeting in school, we had a producer who taught us about movie production. He said you should do things even if you’re afraid. It’s true, but it’s not easy for someone who prefers getting away from situations like that. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I have been running away from things I’m afraid of all my life. I’m a dreamer and not a risk-taker. I have a temporary confidence period, but then I get nothing done anyway. I know I should, but something stops me from acting. It’s not about being afraid of failure; I’ve been through that many times; it’s about not having enough confidence in my skills. I don’t want to spend time with something that won’t get results. It’s not easy to start something when you don’t know if you got what it takes. Becoming an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things, to begin with. That’s better than having to try to please employers to hire you. At least then you can get more confidence in what you do. One thing is for sure, my confidence level is better than it was when I was younger. I guess that’s what life experiences give you.
The question is IF I had a job to enjoy. I had a few boring jobs when I was younger. It was when I didn’t know what I wanted to do. The jobs were boring, and they felt forced. They were internships where you get 9 euros per day, plus unemployment benefits. At least I had something to do. You would think you didn’t need to apply for so-called boring jobs when you know what kind of job you’re looking for. I never wanted a job everyone else had, so I have studied creative things. I want to work in design. No matter how many degrees you have, it doesn’t mean you get a job. I don’t look like a satyr, but I guess employers don’t like my face. They don’t look at your education; they look at your work experiences. When seeing mine, they probably think there is something wrong with me. There must be since I don’t even get internships in the field. How can you get job experience when no one gives you a chance.
I applied for a part-time job last week, and they said they would contact me this week. It’s Friday now, and nothing has happened. Waiting is the hardest part. I hope they haven’t forgotten. It’s a job where you use social media. It would start in August/September. Some employers don’t reply at all, so at least I got something. The job would be a wage subsidy place, so I would get an actual salary. About 3 years ago, I was in one as a media assistant. It was a job I liked, and my workmates were great. It was for 11 months, but I was also laid off for a while because of covid. Even if I liked the job, I wouldn’t want to go again. It’s like returning to the crime scene; I want to move on.
If I had a job, it would be something creative. It should be flexible and maybe have some travelling in it. Remote jobs would be good. I hate getting up early, so working at home would be nice. I want a position where I feel I belong. The working world is fake; you need to be something you’re not. It’s a lie that you should be yourself. You’re not allowed for real, especially in job interviews. It’s a shame job search has become so complicated. You must be like a brand if you’re looking for a job. It’s not enough to know how to do a job; you also need to be a social butterfly. Social isn’t the same as being talkative. When I was an intern at a local newspaper as a photographer, the final report said I wasn’t social enough. I only got two weeks there, so how would they know. I enjoyed being the photographer because I didn’t need to sit in an office all day. That’s the kind of job I want to do, versatile.
It seems becoming an entrepreneur is being fake too. You see them showing their faces like it’s the only way to find clients. If you don’t want to show your face, use your voice. What if you look awful in photos and you don’t like your voice? Should you forget entrepreneurship? That’s the image social media marketing people give. Either way, a brand seems to be the only way to get anything today. And that’s a shame.