lack of motivation – In my world

Ever felt you wish you could just drop a subject? If it’s conversation with someone. Maybe an argument you’re having with a loved one or a friend. Whatever it is, you wish just to move on and drop the whole thing.

This is what I feel about finding a work practise place. I’m fed up with it all. Everywhere it’s a no. It’s unhuman to be rejected over and over again. I haven’t even done anything wrong. I do understand it’s difficult times for companies to take employers. Even if it’s for free. But as an introvert it’s draining to go and ask to different places. Having to repeat things over and over. Everything goes well in my head.

Today for an example. I went to a photography studio to ask but they couldn’t offer me anything. I knew it would be impossible but still I was disappointed. When I do I’ll get sad and I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel all that studying I’ve done, they’ve all gone to waste. Fall into despair even. It feels so depressing and I feel like I’m gonna stay unemployed the rest of my life. Nothing just doesn’t seem to go my way. People say I shouldn’t give up but still it feels hopeless. I’m just not ambitions enough. If it’s no can do everywhere, I’m not motivated to continue because what’s the point wasting time and energy on searching. All that walking around is exhausting as well. I rather do something more useful. Like writing my CV or something like that.

When I don’t get any work experience in photography even that feels a waste of time. Maybe I should just keep it as a hobby since it feels impossible to become more than that. I don’t know what I else I could do. Everything else feels so boring. I’m a restless soul. I need change and freedom of some sort. Even if photography sometimes makes me frustrated, it does give me satisfaction. I just don’t know if I really want to do that for a living. To become good you need to practise but I’m not that dedicated. I’m not getting any younger but who says only young people are allowed to become pro. I might not be good enough among those really good one’s but I do deserve to get at least one chance.

It would be easy to just drop the whole subject and start to think about something else. But I’ve thought about what I want to do since I was a teen and I’m tired of it. If I dropped photography altogether (not as a hobby though) just because there’s not enough work, it would be the easy way out. It seems creative work in general is hard to find. You need to be really good to stand out. You also need to be quite competitive and that’s something I lack. Maybe it would be better if I just drop out of that game.

Getting a job these days is difficult wherever you are. No matter what you study, it doesn’t mean you’ll get a job in that field. There’s always different excuses why you’re not getting the job you applied for. It’s either too many applicants or you’re not qualified even if you know you can do the job. No matter how you try to stand out, there’s always someone else who gets picked instead of you.

A lot of people send applications to hundreds of different companies but they’re not even getting interviews. What’s the point there? If you send the same CV’s and applications no wonder you don’t get any. Every job you apply for should be different. Sometimes not even that helps. You also need some luck. Or you have a large connection circle. But what if you don’t have neither of them. Should you educate yourself to something else where there’s work? There are jobs but never the one you’re looking for. I’m up to here with education. It’s a job or an internship I want. There is no other option.

Last time I had an internship was in 2012 and even that was only for 2 weeks. After that I have nothing. The problem is, there seem to be too many people doing creative work which is the one I’m interesting in. Especially photography but there’s no work for someone like me. I’ve started to think I’ll never become a pro. Even photography itself has become boring. Maybe I should just have it as a hobby. Why bother getting better if no one even wants to give you an internship? The studies in Helsinki Design School hasn’t helped at all. That was a lot of nonsense. They just wanted to cash in from students. Don’t get me wrong. I did get something out of it. But when it comes to work, nada. At least I did something and met new people.

That something can’t last forever though. Honestly I’m getting tired of it. I’m not getting younger and soon no one wants to hire me. First of all, I’m been out of the work environment for too long and secondly I’m getting too old for this shit (turning 39 this June) Even if I’m that old, I’m not very confident finding anything. You should never lose hope but at the moments I’m close to it. I’m going to a career coaching course next month where there’s gonna be about job searching, about your strengths and interests, among other things. I don’t know if that will help my case but at least that’s better than doing the same old things I do now.