Tag: motivation

No rapid decisions found here

MiaLeave a comment

speedometer from an old shipWhen it comes to life choices my decision making is nothing but rapid. As a matter of fact, it’s really slow. Quite dead slow actually. It sometimes bugs me. I wish I could make up my mind a bit faster. I’m not impulsive at all. I don’t know what I’ll do the end of the week little less what I’ll do in 5 years. I really admire those who got it all figured it out. They’ve come much further than me. I’m still waiting for my train when others have already taken different trains. Get out of your comfort zone people say but it’s not as easy as it sounds. It doesn’t happen overnight. I can’t suddenly become brave and do something. It takes a lot of time and effort. I’m an introvert after all.

It’s soon a year ago since I graduated from web design and nothing has happened. I still have no job. I went to that entrepreneurship course but now I have nothing. Of course, I have that graphic design course in the Autumn. But I should have something else too besides that. I’ve just been passive lately. I sleep late and then half of the day is gone. It doesn’t help that the weather is getting warmer which makes me even lazier. I’ve got so much else to do so I don’t have the time. Or things that are more enjoyable to do then job search. This is where this decision making is slow. To be an entrepreneur or not. First I had difficulties to know what I occupation I should have and now this. I’m not good at neither. I should have found out what I wanted to do years ago but everything seemed so uninteresting. Now when I do know what I want to do, getting started is the hardest thing.

What is the hurry anyway? Do I miss the train of opportunities and I’ll never get anywhere as long as I live? Life is short but it’s not that short that you have to do things this second. If you want things done properly, it’s better doing it slowly. I might be in the shadows right now but that’s only because I’m waiting for my time. That time will come and if doesn’t too bad. I can settle for less. I don’t need to live a glamorous life to feel good. I don’t even like that kind of attention. I don’t make any rapid decisions so the world just has to wait.

Put up our sleeves and get started

MiaLeave a comment

sleeping cat

The subject might sound uptempo but this post is not exactly that. That was just an idea I got when I saw the word sleeve in The Daily Prompt. Actually, I thought about men who have their sleeves rolled up to their elbows that I find sexy 😀 But seriously. I never seem to get anything done or it takes slowly. Especially the beginning. I’m a thinker and a dreamer. When I start to do them I either give up because they don’t go the way I want or I don’t start at all. I only think what I could do but then I’m too lazy or too scared. It’s not like I’ve never done anything in my life. I have studied. They could have been in vain since I don’t have a job. At least I got up to do something and not only sitting on my fanny. Unfortunately, I don’t get appreciated for my efforts in real life. I’m not exactly a dream candidate for the employers. They want someone who talks a lot and entertains them. I don’t fit anywhere. They can keep their companies for all I care. It won’t make me feel down if I’m not wanted. It’s really their loss.

If things would only be much easier for me but I’m both introverted and suffer from mild ADD (attention deficit disorder). But it’s so mild I don’t even know I have it. At least my attention span is short and I have concentrating issues. The biggest problem is probably not being driven enough. I don’t make any goals because I know I don’t have enough of courage to fulfil them. I’m scared of getting out of my comfort zone. I like trying something new but taking the first step is always difficult for me. I take chances with small steps. But take my time to decide what to do. I can’t just pull up my sleeve and get started. At least I take control of my own life and I educate myself to be better.

helsinki design school merch
Helsinki Design School

I’ll begin studying graphic design in August. I wrote it here but I mention it on this blog too. It will be nice to learn something new. Even if I do study  I can do something else too. We only meet twice a month. I still can’t believe I got in so I think it will soak in when it begins. I did think about it for a while if I should apply or not. I did once before but I got lucky the second time. Some people might think I’m mad for studying in such an expensive school. But is staying at home and waiting for a miracle a better choice? Not so much. I want to do something and not just be. I’m been doing that for too long. I will still think before acting. If you want things done right, you should do it at your own pace.

 

Forlorn away from success

MiaLeave a comment

blue pearlsIt seems that everything I do or do in this life so far hasn’t given me any success. I feel forlorn and cursed. Maybe people find me uninteresting. Especially when it comes to job search. Studying doesn’t seem to help to get a job. I don’t know what I should do so someone could find the connection with me. Nothing has come easy for me. In social media, Tumblr blog, personal life etc. For example, I had to start my Tumblr blog all over again because I wanted to delete my previous one. To make a long story short. It took me at least 5 years before I even got followers there and I need a way to get them back. Should I wait another 5 years? OK, it’s not the end of the world if people don’t follow me. It didn’t take overnight to get followers on this blog either. My point is, it can feel frustrating to work so hard and yet you don’t get much back no matter what it is.

It’s mentally exhausting to have a thought you’re not qualified for anything. I might say I don’t mind if things won’t happen the way I wish. But that’s just a defence mechanism. I don’t want to be famous or anything but I don’t want to be ignored either. Maybe it’s an introvert thing or a Gemini thing but I want things but I’m not confident enough to do anything about it. Sometimes I dislike myself. I’m probably the most indecisive person I know. I really don’t practice what I preach. It’s so easy saying to other people what to do but doing them yourself is difficult. I really hope there is no one like me out there. I could not handle a person like me. I guess my weakness is putting myself down. I know I can do anything but I’m too much of a coward to do anything. When things go wrong, I usually blame myself. But like everyone else, I have a dark side.

I really had some anger issues when I was younger. I had moments when I totally lost it. I could throw things and stomp as loud as I could. All of this happened at home. I never showed that side of me in public. I didn’t hurt other people, just myself. Sometimes I could be so frustrated, I hit myself. I didn’t know why I was so angry. To this day, you don’t want to see me angry. I still got easily irritated but it’s only because the way people behave. I have my pet peeves like anyone. I get over my anger easily though. I learned there are things you can’t do anything about. If I don’t get what I want, I don’t get upset. How other people behave, it’s not my fault. I can’t make people become friends or employers to hire me. As an adult, you can’t have tantrums like some kids have in public. I really hate being angry. I become a really unpleasant person. I swear like a sailor and I might say hurtful things. That’s a side I don’t want other people to see. But people shouldn’t act like idiots either. What goes around, comes around.

Most time I’m a calm person. I have manners and take other into account. When you get to know me, you can see I can be silly too. I just hate being the one who has to take the initiative. In school, I had to start a conversation to get to know people. Never the other way around. I got the idea they didn’t want to be my friend. Even now in adult education. They say you should network with your classmates but they didn’t even ask if they could keep in touch. I guess I wasn’t that interesting to them. Oh well, people come and go. I rather am forlorn than be with the wrong people. The same with relationships. I might be picky but at least I have standards. I always want someone I can’t have anyway. For some having someone in their life is really important but for me, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, there are so many other interesting things to think about then relationships. Freedom is so much more appealing so I stick with that for the time being.