A lot of people have bucket lists. Things to do before 30, 40 or 50. But I have a bucket without a list. I don’t like to plan ahead. It doesn’t matter if I don’t achieve something at some age. Certain things you can’t plan. You don’t need to do them until a certain age. I didn’t think I would ever go to a concert when I was a teenager, but now I have been to several. Two more this summer. I didn’t think I would get a driver’s license, either. Life is full of surprises. If you haven’t achieved something at 30, you can do it before 40 etc. So, what if you don’t achieve them at all. Bucket lists aren’t rules you must follow or something will happen to you if you don’t.
One thing that could be on a bucket list, but it won’t, is talking on the phone with strangers. It makes me nervous. I can never call an employer. If someone says I should call one, I get terrified. I had to call once and was so nervous; it took hours to pick up the courage. I hate that feeling and do anything I don’t need to call anyone. Writing an email is easier because the risk of screwing up is minimal. You should not force an introvert to make a phone call. It’s easier to talk to someone you know. It’s calling a stranger where the problem lies. I have blocked unknown numbers on my phone because I don’t want to talk to strangers.
I don’t think I ever get over the dislike for needles. Blood tests make me nervous. That’s one of the reasons why I can’t donate blood. I can’t get a tattoo, either. I wouldn’t want one anyway. Injections are OK because it’s over in moments. Unless you need to get them a lot, as I did once. In 1994 had endoscopic surgery for my knee. I had to wait a few days for it, so they gave me injections in my stomach. I don’t remember why. It was something about not getting blood clots because I had to stay in bed. The injections made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t want them at all. Needles cause me anxiety. Even if I use a needle to mend something, I’m always worried I’ll stick myself. Anything sharp makes me nervous.
Face your fear, but I don’t want to face a fear that makes me nervous. I prefer not to do things that make me feel like that. I never want to make speeches or presentations. I don’t like people looking at me. I want to get out of that situation as fast as possible when I’m nervous. I rush things, and it’s ruined. If it’s a presentation where I stand alone, I only get nervous when it’s my turn and not before. Things look easy in my head, but the reality isn’t. Avoiding unpleasant things is easier, and I don’t want to put them on a bucket list.
When I was younger, I was always nervous when it came to interacting with strangers. I still feel like that sometimes. I was so insecure, I thought I’ll never get over it. Talking on the phone was the worse and still is. I don’t like calling people. I’m always so worried something goes wrong. I plan ahead and wish the situation would be over. That’s the reason why I fear calling to work places. I hate the nervous feeling I get. When I was on the career coaching thing and I had to call to places, it was hell. I prefer using email if I want to contact people. Unfortunately that doesn’t always help and you have to call the person. That’s the reason why I never got a real job. My mother used to encourage me to think it’s nothing to be nervous about. But you shouldn’t say that to an introvert. It won’t help no matter how safe it is. It might be easy for some but it’s not for a person who’s experiencing anxiety in social situations.
In a week, our on the job learning begins in web design. It takes 6 weeks and I have at least 2 clients. If that wasn’t enough, we have to write documentation of our client work. Then there’s an individual vocational skills demonstration plan we have to write. We also have to make a portfolio, hence the reason I bought a domain. There’s so much to do and think about so I’m not sure if I can handle all this stress. I want to pass the exam but what if it gets too overwhelming and I become lazy. I’m also a bit nervous about the clients. I don’t want to promise them something I can’t do. It’s easy to think I can do the job. Everything I’ve learned so far, all disappear and I forget everything. I have to think I can do it. That’s the only way to survive this challenge. Now I’m just calm before the storm. I really hope I won’t begin in the last-minute.
When this school is over in May, another nervous breakdown is near. I really don’t want to handle the job center again. I’m not looking forward to being unemployed. There’s so many people without jobs and I don’t want to experience age-discrimination. There’s a lot of that happening in Finland. They want someone younger and that means 20 something. Employers think someone with experience doesn’t know how to keep up with the times. They don’t want to hire people they have to pay for. Instead they take younger ones with less pay. People with families has to be nervous about their financial issues if they don’t have jobs. At least the only person I need to support, is myself. I don’t know yet what I’ll do. I have thought about it though. You have to be prepared. Have a plan B so to speak. One thing is sure, I want to do something than living on well-fair. Earning your own money is much more satisfying. It has its downsides too but that’s small price to pay.
Keeping calm is the key to nervousness because if you panic, you only become stressed. Take things step by step and do one thing at the time. It can feel impossible at first but there’s a solution to almost everything. Sometimes it scares me for being too relaxed. It feels like I have no care in the world. It’s the people who puts pressure on you but the worst thing is, is the pressure you put on yourself. Introverts are good actors because we might look calm on the outside but the inside is boiling. I rarely show emotions in public because I don’t want strange looks. I don’t like people looking at me which is the reason I don’t dance besides when I’m alone. I get self-conscious and only want to hide. If I had all the money in the world, I still wouldn’t tell anyone. I rather give it charity and help those who need it more than I ever do. Too much money gets me nervous. If only millionaires would share theirs more often but that would be the day.