If I could reinstall something in my life, it’s the choices I’ve made. But you can’t go back. You can only live in the present. I don’t regret things, but I wish I could have done things differently. One of them is about occupations. I wish I had known earlier what I wanted to do. I was so into thinking about it, I missed things other people did. I shouldn’t have lived in the bubble. I was too worried about the things that could go wrong. I wished I had been brave. Now I will probably be alone with nobody around me. I could quickly become a recluse. I could live in a place where there are no people around. But I wouldn’t want to be there all the time. I’m a city person, so I need to see other people. I’m not a green thumb, so I couldn’t grow my own food or have a garden. I don’t even change the soil in my late mother’s plants.
Sometimes I think maybe I should have to reinstall my blogging path. Write about something more popular. But that can be changed at any time. I’m not very good at that advice-giving thing that seems to be in many blogs. I also don’t want to be like any other blog. I’m only blogging for fun. It wouldn’t be as fun if I did it for a living. It’s a lot of stress to think about blog subjects. So I wouldn’t want to reinstall my path in blogging. That wouldn’t be me anymore. I don’t want to reinstall myself. I like the way I am. I’ve come this far, and I want to move on. This blog is part of me, and if I reinstalled it, I would also reinstall me. I can not let that happen, do I?
I have recently taken part in a few challenges on Behance and Instagram, so I haven’t had the time to blog. The first one mentioned is an Adobe Illustrator challenge. The other is a typography challenge which is once a year and for 36 days. There is a letter (and number later on) every day. You can use any tool you like and any way you want. If anyone is interested, you can see my work over here. There is a lot of great work other people have done. You can use the tag #36daysoftype on Instagram. The one of Behance about Illustrator has been a lot of fun, and I’ve learned new things. It ended last Friday, but the videos are still there. I also tried the Photoshop one, but I didn’t have time to do that too. There is also a chat on Discord where you can get feedback. That’s very important because graphic design is a learning process. You are never ready. Not only graphic design but also other things in life.
It feels like I’m always late. It took me years to find what I was looking for. I’ve tried different occupations, but I have never found something I felt passionate about. I wanted to do something different. Money hasn’t been a motive for me. I rather do something that makes me feel good. I want enough money so I can afford to live. I don’t believe in that having a job that pays you well. I will rather be without a job than be in a job I don’t like. During those years where I thought about what I want to do for a living, most people already found their things. I feel like I’m only starting out even if I’ve done things for years. I don’t know what my working title is. I have never had a graphic design job where I get paid, so I don’t know if I can call myself a graphic designer. I have only had clients in web design, but that was part of the education. Having a portfolio is an important thing in creativity. Looking at other people’s portfolios, it feels like mine is plain. I don’t have much to show, only school work. If I started with graphic design earlier, I would have something to show. You can’t go back in time. It’s not too late to get something done. You only need enough confidence in yourself. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but it isn’t easy. You still feel you’re not up for it. It doesn’t help either when you don’t get hired anywhere. Not even an internship.
On Discord, there is a chat about creative careers where you can post your Behance portfolio. Then you can also get feedback. There are a lot of great work people have done, and then there is me. It’s a bit of an embarrassment because mine isn’t that great. I don’t even dare to introduce myself because I don’t feel like a graphic designer. Even if the first time I studied graphic design in 2009. But I wasn’t doing any of it after 2011 when it ended. The same goes with web design, but I don’t want to do that after all. Another thing is what kind of projects would I do. It seems that a lot of people have branding and visual identities. Trying to be different from other designers is difficult. My confidence in becoming one myself is soon gonna break into pieces like glass. I’m running out of options. I probably will never get a job. I hardly get any follows on social media, so getting those in the professional won’t be easy. I don’t think I will get “discovered” on Behance or any other portfolio places. My path to becoming a graphic designer started too late, and it’s only in my head that someone would hire me for my work. I shouldn’t give up, though. We all go through different paths, and there is no right or wrong way to become something you want to be.
So many choices so little time. I’ve got a concentration span of a teenager. I can focus on one thing for a while but then I get bored. I’ve got a lot of different interests and I’m focused on many things. That’s one of the reasons why I find it hard to concentrate on one thing only. I couldn’t write about the same subject on this blog for example. The same goes with everything I do and like. Versatility is the key to my happiness.
When I thought about occupations when I was younger everything seemed so boring. For some, office jobs can be suitable but for me, I would get bored. I could do it for a while but not as a full-time job. Creativity has always been my thing. I can’t draw very well but I can do other things. I studied graphic design but I wasn’t very rich of ideas and I didn’t want to do it full-time. Then came photography and that was on my agenda for a long time. When I studied in Helsinki Design School, I realised I don’t want to do it all the time either. This year it was the web designer qualification. I have all these education experiences but employers care more about work experiences which I don’t have. I have a big cap in that. Last time I was anywhere was in 2012 and that wasn’t for very long. How impressive that is. Not. It makes me feel like I’m the most untalented designer out there. I can’t even call myself that. I know now what I want to do. I want to combine all three, photography, graphic design and web design. I just lack work experience. But I’m no Picasso of modern design. I’m not award winning or anything special. The competition out there is so much better than I’ll ever be.
I’m really putting myself down with this post. But I have to face the fact that I might never get a chance. I’m too unmotivated when it comes to practising. Just like any other creative jobs, to get better is to practice. I’m too lazy to do it. I plan in my head but they never come true. I should really be more focused but it’s hard to since I get distracted easily. It’s easier to watch something online or write fan fiction, then actually doing some personal design projects. I see other people’s work on Behance and think I can never become that good. You’re supposed to get inspiration from others but it just puts me down. I look at job descriptions in ads and it always contains things I can’t do. There’s no point of applying because I know I have no chance. Becoming a freelancer is also so much work so I don’t know if I can’t do it either.
There are times where I’ve lost all hope. Maybe I should become an office worker after all. When I think about my options in other occupations, I much prefer being on the creative side. I rather have a job I like then being in a job I hate. Focusing on something you like is so much easier. Design jobs are not all about having fun but it’s more enjoyable than an ordinary one.