First of all, I had the flu so I was tired to blog much. I still have some of it left but it’s getting better. Secondly, I’ve been busy doing something else but that’s beside the point.
The job interview I went to last week. I don’t think I got the job because I haven’t heard anything from it. But what else is new. This really has been a ponder year again. When one thing is finished, you should have another plan. I had ponder years before and I always managed to do something. I applied for employment training but no word from that either. I won’t be very disappointed if I don’t get that. I’ve changed my mind about that since I applied. It’s about coding and among other things which I don’t like that much anyway. It’s typical of me to get excited at something but then changing my mind about it. I ponder about different things for a long time before I decide anything. This time I both applied for a job and for the education I mentioned. But now the excitement is gone.
It’s the same with life choices I’ve made. I ponder and then decide but then I realise it’s not something I want to do after all. I want to focus on different things but I get no experience from anything because no one wants to give me the chance. Things you learn in school is not the same as you learn from life. I don’t ponder about why I’m not wanted because it’s not my fault people find me uninteresting. I don’t care what people think of me anyway. I can only be the person I am. I don’t find quilt in what I’ve chosen to study or how to live my life. I haven’t felt any pressure to be something I’m not. A lot of people do things just like that but someone in this world needs to be the ponder one. Problems with people today is that they don’t ponder about things a bit deeper anymore. They run around like they’re pants were on fire. Soon computers do all the thinking and humans walk around like zombies.
Sometimes you need to ponder about things deeper. Especially when it’s about important life decisions. Like something about your future or at least near-future plans. No one can make them for you. Your decisions might not please everyone but you’re not doing it for them anyway. You need to look out for number one, yourself (or your family if you have one) What’s outside that is second importance. Ponder about that.
Maybe I should make this a habit. Every, let’s say every Friday, I have a theme beginning with ‘Sometimes I feel so….” and then I write about that subject. But then again when I think about it, maybe I run out of ideas. That happens a lot. I’m just not good with keeping up a schedule. I just feel worthless. Which where I now come to.
The worthless part shows its ugly head when I’m suppose to do something important. Even making a phone call makes me feel I’m not up to it. No matter how I try to prepare, it always backfires. Things work in my head but when I should them, I just give up.
Last time I felt worthless were some days ago. I was supposed to go to a few companies and ask for a work practise place. It’s like to get to know a profession and see how they work. Too difficult to explain in English. Anyway, it’s part of the career coaching thing. So I went there and I just couldn’t do it. I lost my nerve like I always do. I don’t know why I make it so difficult. I just can’t walk inside a company just like that. If that’s awful, calling a stranger is no walk in the park either. It’s also an introvert thing. If there’s a technology I could live without, that’s a phone. I could just use email to contact people.
I feel so worthless when I try to write a CV or a job application. I don’t know how to write about things I’m good at. Before you could just write what you’ve studied and so on but now you have to explain why you’re good at something. It difficult to make up the words and especially when it feels like you’re not good at anything. You can’t judge your own skills. I admire those who can. Reading those job ads and trying to understand what the companies really want. ‘What can you offer us?’ it’s one the most difficult questions. ‘Why should we hire you?’ is another. It would be easiest just to say ‘I don’t know’ to both but that’s not helpful if you want a job.
Back to the work practise. I found a couple of interesting companies online. One is about photography and the other is about video advertisement. I emailed them first because that’s the way I can handle things better. It worked before so why not now. I got a reply from the video one almost immediately and the email said I would contact this person. So today I thought of calling. I kept thinking what to say. My problem is I think too much. I’m too worried I’ll be misunderstood or something goes wrong. When I finally picked up the courage, there were no reply. It was quite late so I didn’t try again. On Monday it’s gonna start all over again. I just feel so worthless I can’t make calls to strangers. The reason is not just about introversion, it’s about lack of practise. It seems so easy for some to call to places but I’m such a coward. I really I hope I will get to make that call or I’ll miss my chance. Trying to get another place feels almost impossible.
Luckily feeling worthless is just temporary. Some suffer from it a longer time. Once you get over that feeling, you feel you really are worth it after all.
You write something online (a blog or whatever) and then some take it personally. They tell you you’re wrong. They tell you can’t criticize or say anything negative about anything. They tell you what you should post. If you write your opinions, they can’t take it so they unfollow you.
That kind of followers are not worth having. If you don’t respect my opinion, I won’t respect yours. Tumblr is full of these who are afraid of criticism. But what to expect from teenagers. They take everything seriously. What kind of person unfollows a blog or any social media just because they don’t agree. We can’t always get along. Those people probably can’t handle conflicts in real life either.
I won’t lose sleep if people unfollow me. It’s their problem, not mine. I don’t keep a blog to please people. I might write negative things but I’m not aiming it on anyone personally. It’s my blog and I write what I like. If I criticise it, it’s my business. Not just this blog but also on the internet in general. Especially on Tumblr where people only seem to care about how many followers they get. Sometimes I do wonder why am I not getting much. I’ve already been there since 2012. I have 4 different one’s. I hardly get even likes no matter what I post in them. Even this post will go to the randomlythings. But that’s beside the point.
The most frustrated is The Blacklist one. It’s soon one year old but I have only 65 followers. That’s better than nothing but still not much going on there. Why do people even follow if they don’t interact. Just wondering. But again, I won’t lose sleep over it. The show came back from a break and now it’s back on. And yet nothing much going on when it comes to reblogs or likes. But I’m just impatient when it comes to waiting.
So much work with Tumblr. All that work goes to waste if no one reacts. I dislike unnecessary work. It’s like cleaning. No matter how much you do it, it’s still gonna get dirty again. You need motivations from others to keep doing it. The same goes with photography and writing. If no one gives you feedback, how can you learn getting better. I can’t. I just let it be and don’t even try. Because what’s the point? I don’t know how to get better. When I do, how will I know if no one doesn’t tell me.
I can handle negative criticism as long as I get something positive out of it. I wish I could say the same for some. People are just too afraid to hurt people’s feelings so they hold their opinions to themselves. If you don’t like me, just say so because I’m sure I won’t like you either. But be careful you don’t sound insulting because I can be as insulting as you and you don’t want to see that side of me.
You know what they say, opinions are like a§§h0les, we all got one.