Don’t call me fastidious

cracked concrete wall
Made in Canva

People might see me as fastidious because it takes time for me to decide. But don’t call me that because I’m not. The only time I can be fastidious is about food or if a painting on the wall is crooked. Other times I’m not. Some people rush to things and they settle for what they’ve got. I don’t go for the second-best. I don’t become friends with someone just to have someone to rely on. I have to have something in common with this person. The same goes for the opposite sex. I think it’s the men that are fastidious because they mostly go for pretty people. Because I’m not typical-looking they don’t even look my way. I’ll rather be alone than be ridiculed because I don’t look a certain way. “Well, you should be like this and look like this to get a date” Sorry to disappoint but I change for no one and I won’t join that fancy dress party no matter how hard I try. Besides, you can’t change a person for what they are. Being independent is much more fun anyway.

I’m not particularly fastidious when it comes to writing fiction either. I’m not that much into detail. Writing what a character is wearing is especially difficult. I prefer the story to small details. I let the reader imagine what they’re wearing. Since I only write for fun I don’t find things like that very important. It would probably be different if I was an author where things like that probably are crucial. I also don’t know how to describe a character’s appearance. I see the word ‘chiselled’ a lot in stories but I have no idea what that looks like. The detail on someone’s face is also hard so I don’t write that kind of stuff. Hair colour and such are easy but that as far as it goes. I write about real people so those who read my fiction know how the characters look like in real life. Stories are made-up.

Some people are fastidious when they watch movies. They find even the smallest mistake. I just want to enjoy a movie and not take it so seriously. Even with movies I’ve seen many times before. I watch movies for the stories and not if someone shirt has changed to some other colour. Making movies is like life, nothing is perfect. It’s supposed to be entertainment and not looking for flaws. I guess these people look at people the same way they search for mistakes in movies. Or they got too much time on their hands can be another option. Trying to find mistakes in movies takes out all the fun of this form of enjoyment.

So don’t call me fastidious because there are people worse than me. Sometimes being fastidious in certain things is not a bad thing though. I can be like that sometimes but that’s not what I should be called. I know my likes and my dislikes so that doesn’t mean it’s fastidious. I just have limited tolerance for nonsense and that should be enough to describe it.

Things I (probably) never hear or experience

four playing cards on brown table
Made in Canva

I’m probably the least fortuitous person in this world. Well, one of them. There are people who have it worse than me. I have a roof over my head and I can afford to buy things. But sometimes I wish I could have more luck in certain things. Here’s a list of things I (probably) never hear or experience.

Get hired because I’m an awesome and talented person
This is the first one on the list because this is something I’ve never been lucky in. I’m never been in the right place at the right time. You need to have some luck with the job search. Another thing is the skill. Especially in the design business, it’s very important. It’s also about who you know. Even though I’ve studied doesn’t mean I’ll get a job in it. It doesn’t help to have an online portfolio. Profile on LinkedIn and how active I am on social media. I’m no dream for employers when it comes to personality either. I’ll never hear, “I saw your portfolio and we want to hire you” Maybe not with those words but something like that. Job search is a circus where you have to be a clown to get noticed. As an introvert, this is not right. I think that’s one of the reasons why I never get a job. I’m not good at marketing myself. The whole concept of branding yourself is weird. I’ve got too many gaps in my resume so employers probably think I’ve been lazy or have some mental problems. I could have the latter by now but I don’t. Luck just hasn’t been on my side when it comes to this.

Getting best friends forever
I’ve never been good with finding friends. A lot of so-called friends were rotten. One pretended to be my friend but then talked bad things about me to someone else. I never found a best friend that I would still be in contact with. I had a friend in preschool but she moved to another city. I met a lot of people since childhood but I never found someone that ‘clicked’ with me. I’ve learned to be alone and that’s better than having fake friends.

Meeting someone of the opposite sex
This is the same as with the friendship thing. This subject goes to the private thing so I won’t go into detail. I’ll never meet (name should go here) If I did, he wouldn’t like me the way I like him. Because why should he? No one has ever been interested in my like that in real life anyway. I don’t fall easily for anyone either. I always want someone I can’t have. Let’s just leave it at that.

Dreaming and make it real
I’ve read a lot of stories about how someone has followed their dream and made it come true. But I’m not that ambitious. When things don’t work out I give up and do something else. I’m also too indecisive. I get an idea but then change my mind. No wonder I never achieve anything. I’m too much of a coward so I blame it on bad luck. If not that, the lazy person I am. Other success stories should motivate me but the fear is in the way so I just dream. Even the most successful people have fears but I don’t get over them. Saying get over it is like saying to a person who has broken their leg to walk it off. Failure is also a thing that can make a person not to do anything about their dream. I’ve always had a doubt in my mind that I’m the failing one because I’m not fortuitous in a lot of things.

Meeting someone or experience something by chance
Last but not least. I believe only other people meet people by chance. I never found new friends on holidays. Not when I was a child nor as an adult. I don’t travel much but when I do, I never talk to anyone by chance and not the other way around. At least nothing good ever comes out the little chances I get. I’ve seen Finnish celebrities in places I’ve been to and once bumped into one but that’s not the chances I mean. Chances like meeting someone you didn’t accept to meet and it would change your life. If it had I wouldn’t be where I am now. Nowhere special. I never accidentally ended up somewhere by chance. If it’s career choice or something personal. Not everyone will meet someone or experience something by chance. Sometimes you need to work on it yourself. If it’s meant to happen it will. Or it might not. You never know.

So there you have it. Never say never which is the reason I wrote (probably) Life is full of surprises. For example, a year ago I found out I had 2 cousins. I always thought I only had one. We should think more about the things we got. You need to accept that some things you can’t have no matter how much you want it. If you’re fortuitous or not.

Juxtapose of a Gemini

black and white sheep

As a Gemini, I have two sides. One is the quiet and observant introvert and the other is an opinionated and honest individual. But only when I’m around people I know. It’s a juxtapose of a Gemini. Most people don’t realise there is another side of me. But they don’t usually bother to get to know me better to find out. If I act differently from the usual people are surprised. I do have that ‘crazy’ side but I only show it to the right people. I might look serious but I can be silly too. It just needs to be the right moment and mood. When I’m comfortable with someone I show that other side to them.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s an age thing but recently I thought about past happenings. People I met and so on. Especially experiences from the opposite sex. I won’t go into detail since it’s personal stuff. Let’s just say, it feels like I attract idiots to myself. It’s either guys I don’t feel drawn to or it’s guys that are idiots. Mostly the latter. No wonder I fall for men I can’t have. It saves me from heartache. I never meet anyone like Tom Hiddleston or Lee Pace. OK, I don’t know them for real but they seem decent and not arrogant at all. But there’s is no such men in real life. They probably wouldn’t even look my way. Some men expect women to be like models but the men themselves look like they’re from a horror movie. It’s all true, good men are hard to find. They either taken, gay or idiots. If I used something like Tinder I would probably be rejected there too. Some might be scared to be dying alone but I don’t stress about it. Once you’ve seen the promising land, single life, there is no turn back. That’s better then be cheated on or be dumped because of the guy found someone much younger than you. At least that’s what you read about. It doesn’t mean it would happen to me.

I’m more than meets the eye but it’s always been about looks. Even in friendships. From my experience, girls especially, are quite judgemental. If you don’t do girly stuff, you’re out of their circle. This is just my point of view. It doesn’t mean it’s entirely true. I met women who aren’t like that at all. But when you’re a teenager, these things affect you. I guess my former classmates were self-observed. They probably didn’t even have bad skin. If girls don’t judge you, then the opposite sex will. Being yourself isn’t enough. You also have to look like any other girl/women. I don’t envy teenage girls of today. With this internet thing and all. It’s a sensitive age where this kind of things can affect you. It doesn’t help that these celebrities date or marry beautiful people. Boys see these girls/women and they grow up thinking this is what women should look like. I think it’s a bit strange how these celebs find these people and even marry them. How could they know they find the one? Do they choose them because they don’t want to be judged by other people? I just think it’s isn’t entirely possible to find the one among beautiful people. It could even be me. What I’m saying is, looks aren’t everything but in my world, it seems to be. I’m a likeable person and I care about others but I don’t get any credit for that. But because I look the way I do, I get overlooked.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If someone judges you by your appearance, they only look down on you. People like that are not worth having. It’s really their loss if they don’t want to be your friend or date you because of the way you look. I used to feel so worthless and unwanted. The good thing about getting older is that you stop caring what others think. I’m happy for who I am and I don’t need to change because someone has a certain formula to go by. I don’t have to act or look like any other female. I’m a tomboy for crying out loud. This post, in the beginning, might sound I felt down but that was an hour ago. That’s a juxtapose of a Gemini, I change my mind all the time. What I don’t change is my way of looking at the world. I try to stay positive even if it’s sometimes hard. I wish others would think more about deep things in this superficial universe. There are more important things to care about than how you look to other people. All that matters is that you feel good about yourself and you’re proud of who you are.

sherlock quote