Tag: personal

Wake up and smell the meh

MiaLeave a comment
red alarm clock
Made in Canva

Another day, another Monday. Some school begins and some go back to work. But when I wake up I smell the meh. I don’t wake up in the morning, I wake up in the middle of the day. Sometimes it’s even later. At least I wake up.  Even if I love sleeping I couldn’t do it all day. I still have things to do. Most of my days are boring though. Maybe in a way, it’s my own fault for not being initiative enough. I have different thoughts about what to do but I never do anything about it. It’s the start that’s the hardest. Especially when you’re so used to not doing anything meaningful. It doesn’t help much when the rest of the world is the way it is. Demanding and the go-getter’s mentality.

Sorry got to bore you with this job search thing again. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about that but somehow it has turned into that. I looked through web and graphic designer job ads but none of those is suitable for me. Then there’s LinkedIn but that’s a place for people who only want to use for their own advantages. All those job search tips you find online doesn’t work for everyone. Actually, the whole job search business is repulsive. You have to be some kind of product to get anywhere. You also need massive skills and I have none of that. I hate writing cover letters because I’m bad at it. What’s the point of wasting time on those when you won’t get anything anyway? Then you need to know how much salary you want. If you say too little or too much you will look like an amateur. Then it’s the age thing. You’re too old for an internship and too young to retire. All these job search things make me feeling the blues. Maybe working with someone else with other people around isn’t really my thing. I don’t want that much drama. With other people, I can’t be myself. In the workplace, you have to be social. I don’t know why that’s so important. A lot of people are on their phones so they’re not social either so what makes them different from me I wonder. The phone probably.

Autumn/Fall is coming and I have nothing good to wake up too. I applied for a course in digital marketing and e-commerce but I have to wait until October to find out if I got in or not. I don’t know if I should start something else just in case I don’t. I do have a feeling I won’t get in but that feeling could be wrong. I’ve written before about light entrepreneurship on this blog which I mean by something else. That will get more me problems. It would be different if I had a job. That’s probably not the biggest problem though. I don’t know if I’m good enough to earn clients. The competition is so hard out there. It puts me down how good some people are and I’m just an amateur who probably isn’t any good after all. I’m also not motivated enough to get any better.

This is quite a downer for a blog post. But I’m really not depressed or anything. I do wake up and I’m glad I’m alive. It’s the small things that want me to wake up. I just wish I didn’t sleep so late but it has become a habit. I’m one of those who wants to stay up late and then regret it in the morning. In my case, in the middle of the day. Maybe if I had someone who would wake me up before they go-go (Wham pun) I would wake up earlier. Since I don’t, I can only wake up when I don’t want to sleep any longer.

Don’t cramp my style or the lack of it

MiaLeave a comment
cramp my style
Made in Canva

So another education passed. Eleven months went by like a breeze. Like I posted yesterday (Sunday) I passed the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School. The portfolio presentation was awful though. I had written on a paper on what to say and had it with me in front of the class. But then I panicked and it went like this. “Here’s what I’ve done and that’s thank you” I didn’t say anything about the projects so I didn’t get any feedback. Only what kind of graphic design I would want to do and that I should make more projects to my portfolio. The others were much better at their presentations. Even them who felt nervous before. I just don’t know what happened to me. I wanted to get out of the situation as quickly as possible like many times before. I was so nervous and felt uncomfortable because people were looking at me. I was so disappointed by my presentation but the other student’s work was so much better than mine so I felt ashamed for mine. It felt I had no skills whatsoever. Some of the students hadn’t done any graphic design before school. Since I didn’t get any decent feedback I don’t know what my strength is in design. I don’t know what they are and I guess no one else knows either. Maybe my style is boring and amateurish. What was the most disappointing thing in Helsinki Design School was not finding my style. I don’t know if I have potential or should I quit with design altogether. I will regret my portfolio presentation forever.

Maybe finding a style doesn’t happen in 11 months for everyone. I develope slowly in everything and might get old before I find anything. Or even worse, never. My goals for this education didn’t actually come true. I learned new things but if I can use that knowledge in a job is a different matter. There were times when I felt really excited to be in this school but now not so much. I knew I wouldn’t become friends with anyone and also that I wouldn’t get connections. Honestly, I think the whole school flatter themselves too much. Don’t get me wrong. The school is good to learn new things and the atmosphere in the class is good. But it doesn’t get you discovered by employers. One of my classmates did get an internship through a teacher who taught there but she was the lucky one. I didn’t get a job after I studied photography in the same school and I’m sure I won’t get one this time either. You won’t find any magic beans there. It only makes you feel abandoned.

This experience shouldn’t discourage me but it does. Why should I even need a certain style? I like to do different things or I would be bored. I know what my style isn’t. That’s the easy part. The problem with the assignment was we only got feedback and after that nothing else. If you work with a client, you get several comments and that way you can make your design better. But with a teacher, you don’t get that. In the end, it doesn’t matter what feedback you got during an education because that’s only one opinion. It’s really about what kind of work you want to do. I know one day what my style will be and it will change many times. I work with what I’ve got. You never really graduate in this life because there’s always something new to learn. Knowing that Helsinki Design School was just one journey that now has come to an end. What will happened next is a mystery.