Tag: personal

Sometimes I feel so…. Worthless

Mia4 Comments

ifeelsoMaybe I should make this a habit. Every, let’s say every Friday, I have a theme beginning with ‘Sometimes I feel so….” and then I write about that subject. But then again when I think about it, maybe I run out of ideas. That happens a lot. I’m just not good with keeping up a schedule. I just feel worthless. Which where I now come to.

The worthless part shows its ugly head when I’m suppose to do something important. Even making a phone call makes me feel I’m not up to it. No matter how I try to prepare, it always backfires. Things work in my head but when I should them, I just give up.
Last time I felt worthless were some days ago. I was supposed to go to a few companies and ask for a work practise place. It’s like to get to know a profession and see how they work. Too difficult to explain in English. Anyway, it’s part of the career coaching thing. So I went there and I just couldn’t do it. I lost my nerve like I always do. I don’t know why I make it so difficult. I just can’t walk inside a company just like that. If that’s awful, calling a stranger is no walk in the park either. It’s also an introvert thing. If there’s a technology I could live without, that’s a phone. I could just use email to contact people.

I feel so worthless when I try to write a CV or a job application. I don’t know how to write about things I’m good at. Before you could just write what you’ve studied and so on but now you have to explain why you’re good at something. It difficult to make up the words and especially when it feels like you’re not good at anything. You can’t judge your own skills. I admire those who can. Reading those job ads and trying to understand what the companies really want. ‘What can you offer us?’ it’s one the most difficult questions. ‘Why should we hire you?’ is another. It would be easiest just to say ‘I don’t know’ to both but that’s not helpful if you want a job.

Back to the work practise. I found a couple of interesting companies online. One is about photography and the other is about video advertisement. I emailed them first because that’s the way I can handle things better. It worked before so why not now. I got a reply from the video one almost immediately and the email said I would contact this person. So today I thought of calling. I kept thinking what to say. My problem is I think too much. I’m too worried I’ll be misunderstood or something goes wrong. When I finally picked up the courage, there were no reply. It was quite late so I didn’t try again. On Monday it’s gonna start all over again. I just feel so worthless I can’t make calls to strangers. The reason is not just about introversion, it’s about lack of practise. It seems so easy for some to call to places but I’m such a coward. I really I hope I will get to make that call or I’ll miss my chance. Trying to get another place feels almost impossible.

Luckily feeling worthless is just temporary. Some suffer from it a longer time. Once you get over that feeling, you feel you really are worth it after all.

A good education doesn’t guarantee you a job

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succure
Source: http://www.edweek.org

Getting a job these days is difficult wherever you are. No matter what you study, it doesn’t mean you’ll get a job in that field. There’s always different excuses why you’re not getting the job you applied for. It’s either too many applicants or you’re not qualified even if you know you can do the job. No matter how you try to stand out, there’s always someone else who gets picked instead of you.

A lot of people send applications to hundreds of different companies but they’re not even getting interviews. What’s the point there? If you send the same CV’s and applications no wonder you don’t get any. Every job you apply for should be different. Sometimes not even that helps. You also need some luck. Or you have a large connection circle. But what if you don’t have neither of them. Should you educate yourself to something else where there’s work? There are jobs but never the one you’re looking for. I’m up to here with education. It’s a job or an internship I want. There is no other option.

Last time I had an internship was in 2012 and even that was only for 2 weeks. After that I have nothing. The problem is, there seem to be too many people doing creative work which is the one I’m interesting in. Especially photography but there’s no work for someone like me. I’ve started to think I’ll never become a pro. Even photography itself has become boring. Maybe I should just have it as a hobby. Why bother getting better if no one even wants to give you an internship? The studies in Helsinki Design School hasn’t helped at all. That was a lot of nonsense. They just wanted to cash in from students. Don’t get me wrong. I did get something out of it. But when it comes to work, nada. At least I did something and met new people.

That something can’t last forever though. Honestly I’m getting tired of it. I’m not getting younger and soon no one wants to hire me. First of all, I’m been out of the work environment for too long and secondly I’m getting too old for this shit (turning 39 this June) Even if I’m that old, I’m not very confident finding anything. You should never lose hope but at the moments I’m close to it. I’m going to a career coaching course next month where there’s gonna be about job searching, about your strengths and interests, among other things. I don’t know if that will help my case but at least that’s better than doing the same old things I do now.

I AM a night owl

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morninglight
©Mia Salminen, April 25, 2015 at 4.11 am

Don’t you just hate getting up early in the morning? You don’t? Well I do. Even though waking up early does have it advantages. I did wake up early yesterday (Wednesday) because I had a job interview (for an internship) at 10 am across town. And that’s early for me. Recently I’ve went to bed really late and slept late. When you do that, you don’t see the daylight. It’s getting dark already at about 3.30 pm. The same if you wake up at 8 am, it’s still dark.

When I studied photography in Helsinki Design School, I had to get up really early. In the spring and in the summer the daylight comes quicker. It’s really beautiful when you see the sun coming up in the horizon. That’s something you don’t see during the day. Of course there’s the sunset but that’s doesn’t beat the sunrise. There’s a special feeling when you wake up early. But if you’re an night owl like me, that’s something you don’t see that often.

My most productive time is late evening. Especially when it comes to writing fiction. The best ideas come up at night. When you start writing, you can’t stop. You’re on a roll and it’s already past your bedtime but you don’t want to miss the idea. The next morning you have to start again. I prefer writing things down straight away.

The same with being productive in daily things. Mornings are just boring. I just want to sleep as long as I can. If I could I would sleep until nightfall. But sometimes I want to wake up early too. That’s a bit of a dilemma. I want to stay up late but I also want to wake up early. You can’t have it both ways though. I need my 8 hour sleep or I’ll be tired all day. No matter how much coffee I drink. I don’t even want to drink more than 2 cups a day anyway.

In a way I’m bit of both, night owl and early bird. It depends on the day. If I have nothing planned the next day, I don’t bother going to bed early. I’ve been unemployed for so long, it had become a routine. Maybe I’ve become too used to it. My mother suggested once, maybe a night job would suit me better. But then I would feel blue if I get to work when everybody else would go home. Either way, I’ve always been and always will be a night owl.