Tag: personal

Envy in small doses

Mia3 Comments

EnvyEnvy comes in different levels. There’s bad envy. Jealousy more like it. A person who does everything to destroy another person’s confidence. Those are the worst. Then there’s mild envy. You’re happy for them but at the same time you’re envious and wish you could have the same thing as they do. E.g. A new job, new love or special skills.

I mostly envy people who are confident talking to almost anyone without having to worry about what to say. They get friends easily and are quick-witted. When I meet new people I always think long and hard what to say before I open my mouth. This causes trouble. I could go for a week without saying anything to anyone but when I finally pick up the courage, it’s already too late. I think too much about what others think about me. It used to feel even worse when I was younger. It still feels unnatural when I talk to strangers. Don’t get me started on team work or presentations. That’s the worst thing I know.

I also envy those who are good with words. I don’t know any fancy words. Sometimes I can’t describe things. Even writing this blog is a pain. Especially since it’s in English. Not even in my native language. I use online translations and a dictionary a lot. In this post too. So many things are going on in my head so I can’t focus on one thing at once. I wish I could be as good as those who writes great blog posts. At least better than I am now.

I’ve thought about changing things on this blog. Maybe rewrite the About me page and change the subjects on this blog. I don’t really write much about things I like anymore. The whole concept of this blog is kind of boring to be honest. This is what I envy about other blog keepers. They know what kind of subjects they want to write about and they stick to it. Mine is all over the place. I don’t want to be like any other though. Recently I have focused on job search and the course I’m on. I still want this blog to be about things I like but it should focus on one or two things. Maybe help someone on the way. The problem is my interests are so wide and it’s difficult to choose. I wish I wasn’t so indecisive. I really envy those who know what they want.

Envy is one of the seven deadly sins but how deadly is it? Envy in small doses can be healthy. It motivates you to continue whatever you’re doing. As long as it doesn’t turn into jealousy. No one wants to be around a person like that who doesn’t have respect for others.

 

 

Sometimes I feel so…. Worthless

Mia4 Comments

ifeelsoMaybe I should make this a habit. Every, let’s say every Friday, I have a theme beginning with ‘Sometimes I feel so….” and then I write about that subject. But then again when I think about it, maybe I run out of ideas. That happens a lot. I’m just not good with keeping up a schedule. I just feel worthless. Which where I now come to.

The worthless part shows its ugly head when I’m suppose to do something important. Even making a phone call makes me feel I’m not up to it. No matter how I try to prepare, it always backfires. Things work in my head but when I should them, I just give up.
Last time I felt worthless were some days ago. I was supposed to go to a few companies and ask for a work practise place. It’s like to get to know a profession and see how they work. Too difficult to explain in English. Anyway, it’s part of the career coaching thing. So I went there and I just couldn’t do it. I lost my nerve like I always do. I don’t know why I make it so difficult. I just can’t walk inside a company just like that. If that’s awful, calling a stranger is no walk in the park either. It’s also an introvert thing. If there’s a technology I could live without, that’s a phone. I could just use email to contact people.

I feel so worthless when I try to write a CV or a job application. I don’t know how to write about things I’m good at. Before you could just write what you’ve studied and so on but now you have to explain why you’re good at something. It difficult to make up the words and especially when it feels like you’re not good at anything. You can’t judge your own skills. I admire those who can. Reading those job ads and trying to understand what the companies really want. ‘What can you offer us?’ it’s one the most difficult questions. ‘Why should we hire you?’ is another. It would be easiest just to say ‘I don’t know’ to both but that’s not helpful if you want a job.

Back to the work practise. I found a couple of interesting companies online. One is about photography and the other is about video advertisement. I emailed them first because that’s the way I can handle things better. It worked before so why not now. I got a reply from the video one almost immediately and the email said I would contact this person. So today I thought of calling. I kept thinking what to say. My problem is I think too much. I’m too worried I’ll be misunderstood or something goes wrong. When I finally picked up the courage, there were no reply. It was quite late so I didn’t try again. On Monday it’s gonna start all over again. I just feel so worthless I can’t make calls to strangers. The reason is not just about introversion, it’s about lack of practise. It seems so easy for some to call to places but I’m such a coward. I really I hope I will get to make that call or I’ll miss my chance. Trying to get another place feels almost impossible.

Luckily feeling worthless is just temporary. Some suffer from it a longer time. Once you get over that feeling, you feel you really are worth it after all.