Envy is one of the seven sins but it’s also something you feel when you see someone succeeding better than you. There is good envy and there’s bad envy. I don’t think I’ve ever had that bad envy feeling. I can be happy for another person. There is no point of fighting against something you know you’ll never win. It’s better to concentrate on your own things. You should stop comparing yourself to others no matter how hard it might be. Some things are not meant to happen and some things might happen later.
What makes me most green of envy is creative talents like illustrators and graphic designers. Even professional photographers. They make it look so easy even if it’s not. If I practised more I could get better at it but there are so many other things to do so I don’t have time. At the job I’m right now in, there isn’t any photography. We use photos from Pixabay or any other photography place. Maybe I get to do that someday. I’m not that excited about taking photos like I was a few years ago. On boring days at work, I wish I was somewhere else. Mondays and Tuesdays are quiet so I could be doing something else. I wonder why I even bother waking up early.
I’m green with envy when I read about how someone has started a creative business after their education. Like in Helsinki Design School. I’m both envious and admiring their courage. Their work is good too. I feel like an amateur when it comes to coming up with ideas and how to make them a reality. I haven’t really done any graphic design since school in 2019. I don’t have enough confidence to start something on my own. Instead, I have to work somewhere else. But maybe this is a learning process. I get used to working with others and maybe learn something new on this journey. But right now it feels like I won’t make it 8 months in this current job. Especially when I have to wake up early. I would rather stay in bed and start working when I feel like it. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
Some might be green with envy of me but they shouldn’t because we all got our strengths and we should use them to help those who don’t have the same skills. Everyone can’t do everything and it’s meant to be that way.
I don’t memorise years so I don’t know what happened when. All I know is that in 10 years I haven’t accomplished nothing to brag about. When others have had career moves, families and other things they’re proud of, I’ve just hung on. But I’ve learned to enjoy the small things because big things only disappoint. If I went to a school reunion I would feel like a failure because I haven’t done anything. I wouldn’t even go. Some people think they need to do something special so they can call them living life. I have never needed to go to some other place to find myself. Whatever finding yourself means. Anyway, the point with this post is going down the memory lane. I got this idea from a post on Instagram.
2010
I studied graphic design in a 2-year education. This was the 2nd year. That’s all of that year.
2011
I graduated from the graphic design education. This was the last year we went to Lapland to ski. I didn’t know it would be the last.
2012
My mother was diagnosed with cancer which was a big chocker. She got treatment and went through operations. There were still hope she would win the decease. The year was a lot of that so I don’t remember anything else. Oh, besides I got an internship in a local newspaper for two weeks as a photographer. Even if my mother was sick she was still concerned about me finding a job.
2013
This year was the most difficult time for me and my family. Mother told us her cancer couldn’t be cured. The doctor had done everything but nothing helped. Soon she got worse and maybe two weeks (or a week) at the hospice she was gone. That Christmas was the worse.
2014
This year I started this blog. I did write occasionally in 2013 but 2014 was the year I really started it. I also studied photography at Helsinki Design School.
2015
I finished photography education. I realised I didn’t want to do photography like a pro after all so it was time to think about something else once again.
2016
I found a web design education that lasted a year. I applied and got in. I wrote a blog about my education which is called ‘My Web Design Haven’. I don’t write it anymore but here it is. The education included on-the-job learning where you should find clients by yourself. Luckily I found at least one. That was hard because coding is not my favourite thing but luckily the client was very understanding. I got good feedback from the client as well.
2017
There was another on the job learning and this time we had to have at least 3 clients. I found them but only two of them was serious. This was the time I really started to think about entrepreneurship. I really liked the thought of not having to go anywhere and I could choose my own time. To pass the education we had to have a presentation of our client work in front of 3 valuators. It was really nerve-wracking. In the end, I passed and graduated. I only had one job interview but that’s something I don’t want to remember. I went to my first ever live concert that summer and that was Robbie Williams. I wasn’t sure I would go but I’m glad I did.
2018
At the beginning of that year, I got accepted to a course about entrepreneurship. It was mostly done online but we had some meetings too. The hardest part was writing a business plan. After that course, I decided to apply to Helsinki Design School again. This time in graphic design. I applied to it twice and the 2nd time I got in. My plan was to add graphic design to my services if I would become an entrepreneur.
2019
I was on a plane for the first time in my life. I and dad went to the Canarian Islands. I got through the graphic design education. This is where I began to rethink about entrepreneurship and I’m still doubting. I applied for a job in something else but the interview was just that and nothing else. I hate it when I have to assume I didn’t get the job. Again they didn’t give me an answer. But I didn’t want the job anyway.
2020
Then there’s this year. I’m getting a new laptop because my old one has Windows 7 and they won’t update that anymore. I’m changing brands as well. It’s a Mac which I’ve used before so it’s nothing new. Then there’s the concert by Elton John at the end of summer. That’s all I know so far.
So there you have it. Ten years of nothing is not entirely true. I did do things so it’s not all boring. Both happy and sad things but nothing to brag about on social media and such. Where I will be ten years later is a question I don’t want to reply to. I don’t even know what I’m doing at the weekend. No one really knows what will happen in 10 years. It’s only wishful thinking.
First of all, I’m in pain. I don’t what it is. Maybe there’s something in my teeth that causes me a headache. It’s been a couple of days. The pain comes and goes in different parts of my head. It’s more of a throbbing than pain but still, I feel like passing out. Painkillers help at least for a while. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged as much as I wished. The other is watching sport on TV but that’s another matter. I try to make some sense in this blog post despite how I feel right now.
I always seem to have enthusiasm for about 4 minutes in different things and then I skip the whole idea. I was excited about photography for years but then I got over that. Now I only photograph occasionally. Then I got the enthusiasm of web design. But now that feels like an unrealistic dream too. The last is graphic design but now I don’t feel that excited about it. Maybe because finding job experience is like trying to search for your lost youth. The entrepreneurship was exciting at first but now I’m not so sure about that. I just don’t what to do with my lack of enthusiasm. I have an attention span of a child. I get excited about things but then it only lasts for a short while and I want something else instead. Especially if it’s something I bought online. I get enthusiastic when I order it but when it finally arrives it feels empty inside. It’s a bad habit and it can become an addiction if you’re not careful. It’s so easy to buy things online. I’ve bought movies on Blu-ray but some of them I still haven’t watched. I just haven’t find the time and strength to watch them. I hope I will though.
Last time I felt enthusiasm was this week when I had to take my dad’s old smartphone because the microphone on my mobile doesn’t work anymore. I thought now I can use Instagram and take better photos. But it doesn’t want to install it. Actually, Google doesn’t let me. That goes with any social media apps. I have those on my tablet but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve tried to search for a solution online but none of them helped at all. I’ve signed into my Google and Google Play accounts but nothing works. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need those apps on my phone anyway. I can’t share anything which is the only downside. Expect if I download the photos on my laptop through Bluetooth. That rules out Instagram but honestly, I’m not a big fan of it. I thought of deleting the whole account. At least not post there anymore. My enthusiasm has calmed down since I got my dads phone. Now the smartphone is just like my old phone. For calling and texting mostly. My old phone is still much better than any smartphones out there. A shame I can’t call anyone with it anymore.
In my world 