Coming out of the closet

nightmareFirst of all, the title can mean a lot of things and it doesn’t necessarily mean revealing your real sexuality. It can also mean coming out from your shell or coming out to reveal something about yourself no on knows about. I know I don’t write about my personal life on this blog. But this post is not really about that. It’s more of revealing something about the person I am. Some things can become as a shock or a surprise but I hope no one thinks badly of me.

I’ve always known my own sexuality and never doubted it. Since I was 9 I knew I liked boys. My first crush was a boy from a family we went skiing with to Lapland. He was a very good skier which I was a bit jealous of. He had lessons but I’ve only been taught by my dad. Anyway, that crush didn’t take long. He said something hurtful to me which put me right off. It was probably something silly but still I stopped crushing him. Just as well. He got married young and yadda yadda. We only met on those ski trips which lasted one week so it wasn’t important. Besides crushes come and go.

I have never had a crush on a girl. I did have some kind of encounter with one once but I don’t actually remember how. It was something about touching each others tongues just to see what it tasted like. Or something else silly. I was a child at the time so it could have been anything. Otherwise I’ve never even looked at a girl that way. Honestly a naked female body is prettier than a male one. But that has nothing to do with my sexuality. There a lot of woman I find beautiful but that’s not gay at all. Maybe a bit jealous but being beautiful does have its disadvantages.

Sexuality is a funny thing. There are men who are afraid to touch another men because they’re afraid they’ll be labelled as gay. But in sport they have no problems at all. When females touch each other (like hugging) it’s a natural thing. In movies and TV shows men find it sexy when two females mud wrestler or kiss each other. That’s a stereotype I don’t really understand. Is it really like that in real life? Do men find it sexy that two females participate in acts like that? I do admit seeing two men doing stuff like that does look kind of sexy. I’ve not always thought so. Even reading slash fiction was turn-off but now I fully understand what people see in them.

Why must there be a label on everything? When I was younger (feel really old now) you were either straight, homosexual, bi and transsexual. Now there’s demisexual and semisexual. Just to mention a few. If there weren’t internet I would have never even heard those words. No wonder young people these days have trouble finding their sexuality. It doesn’t really matter what you are. You are human nevertheless. We all have needs. Love is not just for young and the beautiful. Even I who are shy around this subject have needs but I’m all talk and no action. I’m too embarrassed to admit normal human actions. I rather shy away from those kind of feelings in public. I prefer keeping things to myself and live in my little bubble. In my fantasy world where things go perfectly. A world where no one has a look in.

I’m more open-minded about sexuality than I was before. It wasn’t that long ago when I felt disgusted. There were things I didn’t want to see or think about. Like slash fiction that I mentioned before. I couldn’t see two straight characters being sexually attracted to each other. But after discovering I actually find it a turn on. But that’s just in fiction. I don’t think I would want to see that kind of things in real life. In a way I am a prude but at the same time curious but I wouldn’t act on it. I do watch Game of Thrones for crying out loud.

I always seem to fall for guys that don’t even know I’m alive and men I’ll never meet. E.g. singers and actors. The reason for that must be because no one has really been interested in me and when someone have, it has felt embarrassing. It’s never mutual either. I don’t stress about not having anyone. I’m picky and it takes ages before I fall for someone. It’s much easier to like someone when you see your crushes on TV or in movies. I’ve thought too much about what to do for a living than in relationships. When you don’t attract anyone it’s easy to concentrate on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not I don’t have enough of confidence when it comes to relationships. I find more positive things for not having anyone. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who gives me the same feelings I have towards men I can’t have. But the independent me tells me I don’t need a man to be happy. To tell you the truth, no man in real life have ever given me sexual feelings. Maybe once but that was a lost cause. I like men who see me as a person and doesn’t care how I dress or my appearance in general. If there’s no such man, I rather be alone because I’m not gonna try to impress anyone. Call me a misfit but I’m not gonna be in the same mold as the other woman out there. It’s a shame men don’t even bother getting to know me. They just see how I look like and run. But that’s their loss.

So now I’ve come out of that closet. It’s more of a confession really. I hope I haven’t offended anyone but that’s how I am. Honesty is the best policy after all.

Be true to yourself and other’s will follow.

An an”noun”cement

Listen everybody. I have an announcement to make.

It has come to my attention that I can no longer keep up with this charade. I must confess something I should have done about a year ago. This might shock some of you. So far I’ve been denying it for myself but I have to tell someone. I’ve thought about this long and hard. I haven’t lost sleep over it though. I know deep inside I have accepted the way things are. Sometimes I wish it would just go away but that thought hasn’t entered my mind that often. One day I might regret I told anybody. Right now I even regret mentioning it to you. I’ll understand if people will stop following my blog after they’re read this. That’s something I can’t control.

What I can control is my own feelings. It doesn’t matter what others think. This is my life after all. I’m going my own way and no one can tell me otherwise. I made a choice and it’s gonna stick. If some think I’m being silly, you might be right. I should know how life is by now but this thing I’m about to tell you is really important. Here it goes.

clears her throat

I hate grammar and always have. This challenge is not very pleasant one. I have no idea how many nouns there is in this post. In school when the teacher told us to search for grammar terms in a text, I was totally lost. That’s why I always failed grammar tests. I have never learned a language by using grammar terms. I want to know how words are put together and that’s it. I don’t need to know which term is which. I don’t know the difference between adjective or adverb. Even if I look it up. The terms just confuses my writing. Just the words “grammar terms” makes me uncomfortable. I just want to write without thinking about the term names.