Coming out of the closet

nightmareFirst of all, the title can mean a lot of things and it doesn’t necessarily mean revealing your real sexuality. It can also mean coming out from your shell or coming out to reveal something about yourself no on knows about. I know I don’t write about my personal life on this blog. But this post is not really about that. It’s more of revealing something about the person I am. Some things can become as a shock or a surprise but I hope no one thinks badly of me.

I’ve always known my own sexuality and never doubted it. Since I was 9 I knew I liked boys. My first crush was a boy from a family we went skiing with to Lapland. He was a very good skier which I was a bit jealous of. He had lessons but I’ve only been taught by my dad. Anyway, that crush didn’t take long. He said something hurtful to me which put me right off. It was probably something silly but still I stopped crushing him. Just as well. He got married young and yadda yadda. We only met on those ski trips which lasted one week so it wasn’t important. Besides crushes come and go.

I have never had a crush on a girl. I did have some kind of encounter with one once but I don’t actually remember how. It was something about touching each others tongues just to see what it tasted like. Or something else silly. I was a child at the time so it could have been anything. Otherwise I’ve never even looked at a girl that way. Honestly a naked female body is prettier than a male one. But that has nothing to do with my sexuality. There a lot of woman I find beautiful but that’s not gay at all. Maybe a bit jealous but being beautiful does have its disadvantages.

Sexuality is a funny thing. There are men who are afraid to touch another men because they’re afraid they’ll be labelled as gay. But in sport they have no problems at all. When females touch each other (like hugging) it’s a natural thing. In movies and TV shows men find it sexy when two females mud wrestler or kiss each other. That’s a stereotype I don’t really understand. Is it really like that in real life? Do men find it sexy that two females participate in acts like that? I do admit seeing two men doing stuff like that does look kind of sexy. I’ve not always thought so. Even reading slash fiction was turn-off but now I fully understand what people see in them.

Why must there be a label on everything? When I was younger (feel really old now) you were either straight, homosexual, bi and transsexual. Now there’s demisexual and semisexual. Just to mention a few. If there weren’t internet I would have never even heard those words. No wonder young people these days have trouble finding their sexuality. It doesn’t really matter what you are. You are human nevertheless. We all have needs. Love is not just for young and the beautiful. Even I who are shy around this subject have needs but I’m all talk and no action. I’m too embarrassed to admit normal human actions. I rather shy away from those kind of feelings in public. I prefer keeping things to myself and live in my little bubble. In my fantasy world where things go perfectly. A world where no one has a look in.

I’m more open-minded about sexuality than I was before. It wasn’t that long ago when I felt disgusted. There were things I didn’t want to see or think about. Like slash fiction that I mentioned before. I couldn’t see two straight characters being sexually attracted to each other. But after discovering I actually find it a turn on. But that’s just in fiction. I don’t think I would want to see that kind of things in real life. In a way I am a prude but at the same time curious but I wouldn’t act on it. I do watch Game of Thrones for crying out loud.

I always seem to fall for guys that don’t even know I’m alive and men I’ll never meet. E.g. singers and actors. The reason for that must be because no one has really been interested in me and when someone have, it has felt embarrassing. It’s never mutual either. I don’t stress about not having anyone. I’m picky and it takes ages before I fall for someone. It’s much easier to like someone when you see your crushes on TV or in movies. I’ve thought too much about what to do for a living than in relationships. When you don’t attract anyone it’s easy to concentrate on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not I don’t have enough of confidence when it comes to relationships. I find more positive things for not having anyone. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who gives me the same feelings I have towards men I can’t have. But the independent me tells me I don’t need a man to be happy. To tell you the truth, no man in real life have ever given me sexual feelings. Maybe once but that was a lost cause. I like men who see me as a person and doesn’t care how I dress or my appearance in general. If there’s no such man, I rather be alone because I’m not gonna try to impress anyone. Call me a misfit but I’m not gonna be in the same mold as the other woman out there. It’s a shame men don’t even bother getting to know me. They just see how I look like and run. But that’s their loss.

So now I’ve come out of that closet. It’s more of a confession really. I hope I haven’t offended anyone but that’s how I am. Honesty is the best policy after all.

Be true to yourself and other’s will follow.

3 thoughts on “Coming out of the closet

  1. hello! first time here, you really did come out of the closet about your sexuality and i think the most important thing is that people do not judge you for’s okay to be free about one;s sexuality and know where one stands. for someone who is learning in english writing, i spotted some errors but i know with time,you would be fine. kudos!


I know you're there. Why do you linger in the shadows?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.