It’s sabotage to get told what to do

Made in Canva

Do this and you get that. If you don’t do what you are told you will get into trouble or don’t get anything. It’s sabotage to get told what to do with your own life. Not just your life but other things you do. Or don’t do. I don’t really have a point in this post. All I know is what sabotage is when you want to be yourself but is not allowed to. People should have the right to be whatever sexuality they are without having to announce it to the world. But some people have the urge to know everything about everyone. I don’t get this “getting out of the closet” when someone announces they are gay or any other sexuality. Straight people never have to announce they’re straight. What’s up with that? Isn’t it because it’s “normal”? And why are gay people living in a closet? I guess there is so much prejudice so people are embarrassed to be different when it shouldn’t be. Some people have attitude problems towards certain people. I don’t know how people like that can live with themselves. I welcome everyone no matter who they are. As long as they’re nice people. Negative and disrespectful people don’t have a place in my life.

Some things feel like sabotage. Like job search. I did get again a message “Thanks for replying but you’re not chosen” for that packaging thing I mentioned in this post. When then, I wonder. They probably chose someone in their 20s. Well, I didn’t want it that bad anyway. That thought makes me feel less worthless. Not that I feel worthless. Some people are embarrassed they’re unemployed so they don’t tell many people. I’m not that fussy. If people think I’m lazy, let them. I’m in my 40s and I should find a job much easier than someone in their 50s. Easier, not easy. But I guess my resume isn’t “sexy” enough. They said you should apply for jobs outside your own field. I did but I didn’t get anywhere. So there goes that theory. At least I can tell the jobcentre I did apply for a job. I don’t know if I should tell them about the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School though. It’s been a while since that ended so maybe not. Why does job searching make me feel so old? I have a lot of energy left but there are too many gaps in my resume. Educations are worth nothing.

Sometimes it feels like sabotage in social media. It’s like someone have said, “don’t like or post anything to that person” Which is just paranoia. I’m no one famous and not many know me on social media. I don’t know why I don’t get that many likes and such. Even on this blog, I don’t get as many likes I used to. Are my blog posts uninterested? Have I told everything and my posts are repeating themselves? Questions like that entered my mind. It really depends on what I write about. On Twitter, I get likes when TV programs are on. Or if it’s tweeting about Formula One. But if I share a blog post or tweet about something else, then I don’t get any. I will never get thousands of likes anywhere but I’m not expecting that either. Some people do anything to get likes to their posts and then they get on the news. ‘This person got 500 00 likes in an hour’ And then the photo they’ve posted isn’t even anything special. People just like weird things. If I posted something like that, it probably wouldn’t even get noticed. Then again I’m just assuming. My motives for social media is different from others. I don’t seek big audiences. It’s the quality that matters.

You can also sabotage your own future by doing crimes. Or even post drunk photos on social media. I don’t know why people do that in the first place. Who wants to see that kind of photos anyway. Know one wants to hire a boozer or even be friends with one. Drunk people are boring as well. Some people think if you don’t smoke and drink you don’t know how to have fun. Well, you can sabotage your own health and your future as much as you want. But I don’t want to live my life that. It’s just isn’t my kind of fun and it has never been. I find parties boring and a waste of energy. I rather stay home alone and do something by myself. If that sounds boring then so be it. Sabotage my solitude then you can think again. Just saying.

Coming out of the closet

nightmareFirst of all, the title can mean a lot of things and it doesn’t necessarily mean revealing your real sexuality. It can also mean coming out from your shell or coming out to reveal something about yourself no on knows about. I know I don’t write about my personal life on this blog. But this post is not really about that. It’s more of revealing something about the person I am. Some things can become as a shock or a surprise but I hope no one thinks badly of me.

I’ve always known my own sexuality and never doubted it. Since I was 9 I knew I liked boys. My first crush was a boy from a family we went skiing with to Lapland. He was a very good skier which I was a bit jealous of. He had lessons but I’ve only been taught by my dad. Anyway, that crush didn’t take long. He said something hurtful to me which put me right off. It was probably something silly but still I stopped crushing him. Just as well. He got married young and yadda yadda. We only met on those ski trips which lasted one week so it wasn’t important. Besides crushes come and go.

I have never had a crush on a girl. I did have some kind of encounter with one once but I don’t actually remember how. It was something about touching each others tongues just to see what it tasted like. Or something else silly. I was a child at the time so it could have been anything. Otherwise I’ve never even looked at a girl that way. Honestly a naked female body is prettier than a male one. But that has nothing to do with my sexuality. There a lot of woman I find beautiful but that’s not gay at all. Maybe a bit jealous but being beautiful does have its disadvantages.

Sexuality is a funny thing. There are men who are afraid to touch another men because they’re afraid they’ll be labelled as gay. But in sport they have no problems at all. When females touch each other (like hugging) it’s a natural thing. In movies and TV shows men find it sexy when two females mud wrestler or kiss each other. That’s a stereotype I don’t really understand. Is it really like that in real life? Do men find it sexy that two females participate in acts like that? I do admit seeing two men doing stuff like that does look kind of sexy. I’ve not always thought so. Even reading slash fiction was turn-off but now I fully understand what people see in them.

Why must there be a label on everything? When I was younger (feel really old now) you were either straight, homosexual, bi and transsexual. Now there’s demisexual and semisexual. Just to mention a few. If there weren’t internet I would have never even heard those words. No wonder young people these days have trouble finding their sexuality. It doesn’t really matter what you are. You are human nevertheless. We all have needs. Love is not just for young and the beautiful. Even I who are shy around this subject have needs but I’m all talk and no action. I’m too embarrassed to admit normal human actions. I rather shy away from those kind of feelings in public. I prefer keeping things to myself and live in my little bubble. In my fantasy world where things go perfectly. A world where no one has a look in.

I’m more open-minded about sexuality than I was before. It wasn’t that long ago when I felt disgusted. There were things I didn’t want to see or think about. Like slash fiction that I mentioned before. I couldn’t see two straight characters being sexually attracted to each other. But after discovering I actually find it a turn on. But that’s just in fiction. I don’t think I would want to see that kind of things in real life. In a way I am a prude but at the same time curious but I wouldn’t act on it. I do watch Game of Thrones for crying out loud.

I always seem to fall for guys that don’t even know I’m alive and men I’ll never meet. E.g. singers and actors. The reason for that must be because no one has really been interested in me and when someone have, it has felt embarrassing. It’s never mutual either. I don’t stress about not having anyone. I’m picky and it takes ages before I fall for someone. It’s much easier to like someone when you see your crushes on TV or in movies. I’ve thought too much about what to do for a living than in relationships. When you don’t attract anyone it’s easy to concentrate on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not I don’t have enough of confidence when it comes to relationships. I find more positive things for not having anyone. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who gives me the same feelings I have towards men I can’t have. But the independent me tells me I don’t need a man to be happy. To tell you the truth, no man in real life have ever given me sexual feelings. Maybe once but that was a lost cause. I like men who see me as a person and doesn’t care how I dress or my appearance in general. If there’s no such man, I rather be alone because I’m not gonna try to impress anyone. Call me a misfit but I’m not gonna be in the same mold as the other woman out there. It’s a shame men don’t even bother getting to know me. They just see how I look like and run. But that’s their loss.

So now I’ve come out of that closet. It’s more of a confession really. I hope I haven’t offended anyone but that’s how I am. Honesty is the best policy after all.

Be true to yourself and other’s will follow.

Get a life, will you


What bores me the most? It’s not daily things like tidy your bed, brush your teeth etc. Not even staying in a Friday night. It’s nosy people who wants to know everything about someone who works in the entertainment business. You know actors, singers and those people. They appear in one big movie and suddenly people wants to know everything about them. If they don’t, the rumours start.

Especially when it comes to private lives. Who’s dating who? If they’re not, why’s that? It’s OK to know what kind of things they like but why is it so important to know what they do in their private lives? Just because they’re in the public eye, doesn’t mean everyone has the right to know what they do. Not everyone wants to be famous for their privates lives. They can’t all be the headlines of the tabloids. It is possible to keep your private lives private even if people know who you are. It depends how much you want to give. I doubt they search themselves on the internet to see if there are any rumours about them. They do have a life. Unlike certain other people.

Sexuality seems to be a big issue. Since when has that become so important to people. It’s a private issue. Just because they don’t reveal it to the public doesn’t mean they’re struggling with it. There’s a lot of openly gay people (or whatever sexuality they are) who can be role models to others. Why do some people have the urge to know if someone’s gay? What do they need that information for? Maybe they got issues of their own and they desperately seek for someone who really is. Even if they’re totally straight. So what if someone is outed. It won’t change the person. They’ve still gonna be the person they are. It’s what they do which is more important and not what sexuality they are.
I won’t mention any names but there’s been this gay rumour about an actor for a few years now. I don’t why this is still going on. That’s the only subject that some nosy people seems to worry about. Is he or not? Who really cares? It seems they’re more concern about his life than about their own. I doubt they’re fans because real fans don’t care.

That’s what bores be the most, hearing about celebrities private lives. Why don’t these nosy people get a life? You only live once so why even wasting your time worrying about other people’s private lives. These people really have too much time on their hands.