Dreams sinken quicken

on the seaI should never have my hopes up. At first I had 3 possible clients and now only two. Story of my life. People need someone with more experience but how can you become better if no one gives you a chance? It *sinken quicken no matter what I wish for. Losing one client is not the end of the world though. If I lose one more, I’ll never graduate if I won’t get any client work. In a way I knew I would lose a client as soon as I showed my portfolio. At least there’s one worry less. Yet it bugs me. I’ll do it for free but people see it as a risk because I’m still a student. People always seems to want what everybody else does. There’s so many of these flashy sites, they all look the same. What happened to simple things? Maybe other dream of mine will be shattered once again. I might just have an early retirement before turning 40. A poor old woman with no work experience and no retirement fund. OK maybe I’m being a little too dramatic. But that’s how it feels sometimes.

If finding clients for a school project, how can find clients when I’m on my own? I don’t know what I’ll become after this education but working with people has been something I can see myself doing. It has been difficult with the coding and stuff but everybody has had the same problems in the beginning. I’ve disappointed so many times when it comes to jobs so I don’t dare to dream big dreams anymore. I thought photography would be my job but that dream has been dashed a few years ago. Everything seems to take years so soon I’m getting too old to start something new again. My mother will turn in her grave if I still haven’t got a job when I’m over 40. It gets harder the older you get, she always said to me and she was right. Especially with the age discrimination. You have to be 20 something and have a lot of experience. No one seems to want to hire someone who’s older with less work experience. In a creative job, it’s never too late to start. A lot of people older than me has begun a new career. Even if mine has never really started, this is a new career for me. I wish I could have got this idea much sooner but I was too busy trying to find a job in photography. If this fails, I don’t know what else to do. I have no more ideas what I want to be.

Getting ideas has never been my strongest suit. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t continue my studies in graphic design. The other thing was the lack of drawing skills even if you don’t need to be good at it. But the idea part has always been a nightmare to me. I’m better at doing what others want me to do. Even then I have to look at tutorials before I can do anything. It depends what kind of project I’m working on. In web design you need to get new ideas too so why do I keep finding all these creative things to study? I guess it’s my heritage. My dad is creative as well so that must be it. For me it just has taken a lot longer to realise what kind of job I want to do. I really hope this road I’m taking right now, won’t sinken quicken or else I’ll be hanging around doing nothing again. I really hope my unemployment days will be over for good.

*sink in German

Writing101: An even that was cancelled for real

I was really looking forward for this event. I’ve never been to a real concert so I decided to go. This was a band that had been a teen favorite in the 80’s. They had a lot of great hit songs. Like a lot bands out there, they had their share of problems. Band members left and were replaced with others. From 5 members to 4 and then to 3. They had released albums in 3 decades. One was more popular than others. Despite all the problems, the band didn’t stop of being. In 2000’s they were 4 members again and a new album was out. I liked them for years but became even a bigger fan in this century. When they announced they would come on tour to my country, I was so excited.

I bought a ticket and started to plan in my head how to get there, what to wear and so on. But then something happened. It was like an evil force had decided it wasn’t the time. The doctor to the band’s singer had forbidden for him to sing. He had to rest his voice or he could lose it altogether. The whole tour was in jeopardy. So all I could do was wait.

Then the day came, the concert date was postponed. The ticket master said “hold on to your ticket” and so I did. I should had seen it coming. I could have asked my money back. It was 52 euros after all. It’s easy to say it now. The whole tour was cancelled altogether.

What if that evil force would take that dream away for good. To see Duran Duran live in concert. Since I saw the video to “The Reflex” I wanted to see them. Maybe their next tour won’t reach my country. Too expensive to go abroad. Maybe my courage will fail me and I won’t dare to take that step. A step that seems difficult to me, be in big crowds. The day I decided to buy the ticket. It was a day I had decided I would get to that concert no matter what. I had never been that determined in my life. Maybe that chance will never come again. That evil force might cancel every concert and event on this planet forever. No more fun ever a again. That wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

(Writing 101, day 15)

Weekly Writing Challenge: Threes

Let me tell you story. Picture it. It’s summer in 2010. The sun is shining. It’s time for the yearly cycling competition. It’s held in a city somewhere in Finland. The race takes place around a river. Over a bridge to the other side of the river and back over another bridge. The race has 50 laps. Viewers better not get in the way because they are going very fast and the competition is tough. Even though it’s summer, it’s not that warm. As a matter a fact, it’s kind of chilly.

Here I am standing with my camera in my hand. I’ve watched this competition before but without a camera. I have tried many times to take pictures of fast-moving things but they haven’t turned that good. I’ve tried different set ups but I’ve never found the right one. Maybe I have the wrong lens. I’m using a EF-s 17-55 mm but that’s all I own but I’m trying the best I can. I usually keep the Mode Dial at P because it’s faster and I don’t have to think what set ups I should use. Now I try the Tv and M but the cyclists are going so fast so I don’t have time to think about set ups. It’s now or never. Click, click I go. I move to another place and do the same. I don’t care about the set ups now. Who has the time? I’m here to take pictures and not practising photography. I take pictures and hope for the best. I’m not one of those people who take hundreds of photos of one thing. It’s not like I’m a pro photographer. Even though that was my dream at the time. Not so sure anymore. Who wants to hire me anyway? I don’t even have a driver’s license. Like that’s important.

When I get home and look at the pictures on the computer. I must say, not bad after all.