The puzzled child

rubiks cube on black

Watson: “I don’t understand.”
Magnussen (condescendingly): “You should have that on a T-shirt.”

(In a later scene)

Watson: “I still don’t understand.”
Magnussen: “And there’s the back of the T-shirt.”

– BBC Sherlock, The last vow

Even if I’m an adult I still feel like a puzzled child. Sometimes I have times where I would still need my mother but other times I’m like an old soul who got it all together. If it’s about daily life choices or occupations, I’ve always been indecisive. When I was younger I had future plans but now I live as the day comes. It’s easier that way because I’ve had so many disappointments in life and the future is less scary that way. You can’t really plan ahead because you never know what will happen. Living as the day came became even more significance after my mother died. When she was sick, you couldn’t really do anything else besides that.

Being someone with a lot of interests, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you can do a lot of different things. The curse is not being able to decide or it takes longer. I’m between things I like and things I wouldn’t care less about. Unfortunately, in this life, you have to do things even if they’re repulsive. After primary school, I had to apply to an education I didn’t care about, nursing. I was against it but now I’m thankful I did. I also had a very good career advisor who helped me to find an education. A lot of young people (15-18-year-olds) don’t get anywhere so they have a bigger risk to become outcasts. So you have to start somewhere. I don’t really envy young people today because now there’s so much to choose from. What they should remember, the occupation they choose now doesn’t mean they need to do it the rest of their life. It’s OK to change your mind. I used to know quite a few people who changed careers. That’s what I did wrong. I thought I had to so stick with one so it took me years to know what I wanted to do the most. I’m a bit worried I waited too long but how would I have known I change my mind a lot. Like my mother used to say. The older you get, the more difficult it gets to find a job. Age shouldn’t matter but the society cares too much about it. You can’t go back. What’s done is done.

I wish I did things differently in the past but they just weren’t meant to be. I was too careful. But I would rather do things I like and not stay in a job I hate. I haven’t had a real job but the internships I’ve been to have both been good and some bad. I’ve been to the jobcentre several times and I guess they’ve became tired of me because I couldn’t decide. They even offered me a work pension once which I obviously declined. I’m a puzzled child, not disabled to work. I’ve never got anything but courses and internships from them anyway. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I wish I didn’t have to go to the jobcentre anymore. Last time I was there, the clerk asked if a web designer is my final occupation. Well, I don’t know about that. I might lose motivation if I can’t find a job. Finding a job in a field you finally chose is not easy. There’s pressure everywhere and there’s a lot of other people looking for the same thing. People might think I’m a difficult person. But I’m just the puzzled child who looks things from different angles before deciding anything. If someone got a problem with that, then too bad.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

What is beauty? Who defines it? We all have different tastes and you can’t tell a person they’re wrong if they think someone is beautiful. Yes men can be that too. It’s a matter of opinion what it is. Beauty is not about your appearance, it’s what you feel inside and how you represent yourself that counts. Maybe pretty people don’t agree but that’s the truth.

If you have a pretty face but are ugly on the inside, looks doesn’t matter. The reason why I don’t understand these most beautiful woman or sexiest man alive polls is because we all have different tastes. These polls are unnecessary. They only choose people who are in the public eye at the time. I know a lot of men who are much better looking than the ones who gets these “awards” but because they’re not “In”, they won’t be recognised.
There is a lot of talk about Jennifer Aniston being voted the most beautiful women in the world 2016 about how wrong it was. Some said “Are they blind?” But that’s just one opinion. Some people just take these polls too seriously. Every year there is a new one so what’s the point fighting about it. It’s the same with beauty contests. Ideals change as the world changes. Why are people so petty when it comes to other people’s looks?

So what is beauty? Is it perfect skin, slim figure and a killer smile? Or is it a great personality, a person who cares about other people and awesome in many ways? For me beauty is the latter. There is no such thing as “ugly” In every person there’s something beautiful about them. Even she who was voted for the ugliest women in the world which I found insulting. People can be so cruel but she handled it well. You can’t change the way you look. You might try plastic surgery but what’s the use. You only live once. It’s better to just accept who you are. Natural is more beautiful than fake anyway.

I think only once someone had said I was beautiful but I don’t really need someone to say it. When I look at myself, there are times I feel really ugly but then there are days I’m alright about my looks. Photos are different. I hate myself in photos. I might be superficial when it comes to men but so are men who are not handsome and yet wants a beautiful women. Why can’t it be the other way around? It’s because the society expects to see women dress nice and wearing make-up. The fair sex. If you don’t fit into that category then you’re an outcast, a misfit.
I’m a tomboy and I hate girly stuff. I’m one of those rare one’s who rather get dirty than put on a skirt and make-up. I love watching sport and I’m also good at doing it. That was one of my favorite subjects in school. Especially when it was outside. I’m not afraid to break a nail (they’re not that long either 😀 ) I can’t understand how someone can wear high heels. I could never walk in those.
I feel different inside. Looking in the mirror I don’t see the person I feel. It’s a mismatch. I wish people could see me the way I see myself. Trying not to be overconfident but I do have an interesting personality. Everyone should feel proud about themselves. We’re all unique in our special ways. I just wish there were more people who could see others beyond looks. Not to judge someone by just looking at them. You should get to know that person first and that’s the only way to get to know them personally.

Especially men seem to have problems with women’s looks. They expect all women to look like models and if you’re not, they don’t even look your way. I think the reason is the way media represent ideals of how to look like. In movies and TV you see beautiful people all the time. It’s no wonder kids get the wrong idea about how to look like. Then you see in magazines tips about how to look better or how to lose weight. The list is long. Every teenager will go through these issues like I did. But as I’ve got older I’ve gained enough of confidence not to compare myself to others. I’m not gonna change just to fit in. I’m too smart for that. I’m not afraid to be different. It’s other people who should accept me for who I am and how I look like. No one is perfect. Not even the most beautiful.

Beauty doesn’t see age. A beautiful person doesn’t have to be young as Hollywood seems to think. It’s unfair that when men get older it builds character but when women does, their past it. I’m glad I’m not a famous person. I can get old with dignity and not be criticised for the way I look or live. Life is beautiful. What would it be if we all look and felt the same? Young or old and everything in between, the real beauty comes from within.