School is over for this year and holiday has begun. I’m really glad it has. The whole semester was maddening. I learned to code but it’s been hard. I’m actually thought of quitting the whole education. I was so frustrated because I couldn’t learn. I still get confused. It would be easier if I did the planning and designing and someone else could do the coding. I don’t know if I’ll never become a web designer. The reason I applied to it was because there were no jobs in photography and I wanted something else beside that. I never thought it would be this hard. At least I got this far. I got my first client and got more experience from that. Even though I never got the site ready, at least the client was satisfied.
It’s so good to be home. I’ve never liked living in a dorm. The walls are thin so you can hear people talking. Some people have no respect for rules. It should be quiet at 10.30 pm but they’re still making noise after that. I can’t understand how they can go to bed late and still wake up at 7 am.
Then the internet is really slow so it’s difficult to blog. Luckily I could write in the class room after school. In the dorm you never know if the internet works. It’s really frustrated when you write something and then you get cut off. That’s what happened with a post I wrote earlier this week. I wasn’t sure if it got posted or not but I had the tablet so I could look if it had. I then decided I would write in the class room. We usually have school until Thursday but today we had a Christmas party and Christmas lunch so I only came home today. I was so relieved it was finally over for this year.
This Christmas will really feel like a real holiday. I’ve been stressing and working hard so I deserve one. I won’t think a single thing about web design and coding this year. Me and dad are going to Riga on Christmas again so I don’t need to think about food or anything. The only Christmas food I’m gonna make is ‘joulutorttu‘ (Christmas tart with prune jam) The rest can someone else do. I’m just gonna enjoy this well-deserved free time.
I could write this on my web design haven blog but I’m really upset and disappointed right now. This web design education is going really bad. We are supposed to make a website about an imaginative travelling agency and it should be ready next Monday. But I can’t even do the basics. It should be in HTML5 and there you use different kind of codes. We make them in Dreamweaver. This week we’re studying at home so there’s no help from the teacher. No matter what code I put, nothing works. I haven’t learned anything and it’s already been two months. Maybe I’m just stupid. I already hate making websites. I shouldn’t hate it but when things never go the way I want to. I’m already thinking of quitting school since I never learn. I don’t even learn from the papers we got from the teacher. If I can’t make a site for myself, how will I know how to make one for a client? This on-job-learning is coming too soon. There will be one next year and it’s more than a month. The way things are going now with the studying, it looks unlikely I managed to get anywhere by then. I really don’t want to quit but this is getting on my nerves. I haven’t studied much and it’s already Tuesday. I never get this assignment finished and I’m close to give up on it.
Some transformation there. I thought web design could become a new thing for me but obviously not. I hate practising because it’s so frustrating. I’ve never become anything. I can use the internet and I can write but that doesn’t pay your bills. The photography thing didn’t work out either. By patience is running out. I feel totally useless. When things are difficult I just lose interest. If web design would be moving things with your mouse like you do in WordPress blog platform, then I could do it. But you need to know coding and that’s what I can’t do. No matter what the teacher say, I’ll never learn. I only get angry and frustrated at myself for being so slow in learning. Studying shouldn’t be so hard. You need to have motivation and patience which I lack off. It would be so much easier if I had a job where you don’t need a creative mind. But I never wanted an ordinary job. Practising should be enjoyable and not something you hate doing. Practice makes perfect but if it doesn’t motivate you, how can you go on?
If someone asked me what’s my occupation is, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m nothing is not something to be proud of. I’m not a photographer and not a web designer. Definitely not the latter. It’s looks good on paper but you actually should know what to do. Writing resumes is a pain because you’re not really anything besides a lazy person. Lazy in the sense of wanting the easy way out. I don’t want the easiest way but I don’t want to struggle either. I want to be something but it shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t imagine people who have ambitions because I’ve never had any. I can’t come out of my comfort zone no matter how much people encourage me. There’s always gonna be a doubt in my mind that I can’t do things. Even if deep inside I know I can. I guess that’s the Gemini in me, two people in one. Right now those people can’t get along. We all have a dark side but mine is more of a battle between my mind and my heart. There’s only one solution and that’s compromise. Like with different people, we all have to get along.