My meander thoughts

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Recently my brain has been on holiday. I don’t feel like thinking about what to do in the Autumn. Besides the filming course at Helsinki Design School. I’m indecisive, so my thoughts can meander in my head. What I felt at the beginning of the year was not the same. It’s still summer, and my brain is too tired to think about anything serious. My summer plans are already done. I saw Duran Duran and Toto yesterday. Some photos from the concert are below.

I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t know what kind of job I want to do. Time moves so fast. The last time I had a job was 2 years ago. That was a lifetime ago. I get all kinds of suggestions on LinkedIn, but they’re all wrong. The demands in work ads are impossible. I don’t know if I want to do any graphic design work. I might have studied the subject, but it doesn’t mean I can do any of it. I am not motivated to practise the topic because the job search is complex. Becoming an entrepreneur isn’t easy, either. Many of them have photos of themselves online, which I don’t want to do. One is enough. I don’t know if it’s mandatory or not. I can’t find any answers online to that question. I’m a bit disappointed with social media. No matter what I post, I have to like my own posts. How sad is that?! Or I don’t know. At least posting there isn’t a waste of time. Promoting your work online is crucial for an entrepreneur, but I don’t get many likes on my personal accounts, either. Besides, most people only like posts but don’t become clients.

I’m also disappointed people don’t get as excited as I am about the things I experience. Maybe it isn’t anything glamorous and just boring to them. Maybe my interests are just different from others. That’s nothing new. On Facebook, I only post for my own amusement and to fill my memories spot. It’s always nice to see what I did a year before or some years ago. Sometimes I wish my mind wouldn’t be so meandering, but what can you do? It’s a part of my personality, and I shouldn’t stress too much about it.

Agile but lazy

st petersburg traffic
Saint Petersburg traffic 2016

I really have difficulties starting things and when I do, I hardly finish them. I’m such a lazy person. I can be agile on some things. Like thinking. My mind is full of different thoughts. It might look like I’m not doing anything but my brain is working nonstop. That is typical for an introvert. I don’t know about others but the reason I keep things to myself in a conversation is that the person can’t keep up with me. When I talk to my dad and change the subject, he thinks I’m still talking about the same thing even if I’m not. I usually keep a pause between subjects so he doesn’t get confused. I think before I speak so I don’t need to say things straight away. My mouth is faster than the sound so I have to repeat myself to others. I rather not say anything at all because I can’t stand repeating myself.

I prefer writing to talking. If I write my thoughts down by hand, my handwriting is hard to read. Sometimes I can’t even read my own handwriting. Writing on the computer is much more fun which is the reason why I write some of my fanfiction straight on the computer. It also saves a lot of time. When ideas come flooding, there is no stopping. Most of the agile I have is in the mind. I wish I could think less and just take a chance.

It feels like I’m really far behind everyone else in my age group. I’ve thought about things too much instead of doing something. I’m a dreamer and not a doer. I also change my mind a lot. Others have probably changed careers a few times already and I haven’t even started mine. Even people younger than me have had more job experience than I have. It’s no wonder they get the jobs I’ve applied to. When I don’t have enough motivation to do things, I just give up. It’s both laziness and the fear of failure. I could blame others for the problems I have but in the end, it’s really my own attitude I should work on.

I hate doing things in a hurry. I want to take my time. If you do things in a hurry, the result won’t be very good. I missed and forgot things because I did them in a haste. I only get frustrated and nervous. I don’t know why life must be so agile. People want to do things right this minute. Slowness can be agitating, like slow internet connection which drives me crazy sometimes. But everything doesn’t need to be done in a hurry. The world doesn’t end if you don’t do things at certain times. You don’t need to have a 20-year plan. People should live their life the way they see fit. If they want to have a family before 25 let them have it. If people want to stay single rest of their life, it’s their choice. Life would be much easier if we all accepted different ways to live. If my slowness bothers other people, it’s not my concern. I get things done my way and on my own time.

Treat your mind

brain on blackboardOur brain is the most important organ we should treat with respect. Do things that need thinking. Read a book. Watch a documentary. Do the things you love the most.  Anything that doesn’t slow the mind. If we stop using our brains, it gets lazy and the risk of dementia or other brain disease increases. Treating your mind well is also good for the mental health. Especially positive thinking. If you give in when things go wrong, you get stressed. Everyone needs something to look forward to. You shouldn’t stop doing things you love if someone tells you to. What you do with your life, is no concern for others.

As long as I remember I have always done things I like. My mother tried to get me into a gym class when I was a little child but I didn’t feel secure with the other kids. My sister was the opposite. I think she was more like our mother. I was a bit of a rebel in school. I didn’t like homework and the gym was a pain even if I was good at it. I just hated to change clothes in front of others. I was, of course, shy too. I’m always been stubborn and did things that I felt like doing. I’m still the same. If I do things I have no interest in, my brain gets lazy. I have so much going on in my head at once, my mind has no rest. It’s unbelievable how much information a brain can have. Things that you love stays there and you feel motivated to continue. Stubbornness can also prevent your brain going soft.

If I didn’t have my imagination, I wouldn’t be me. I keep my mind at work by thinking about plots to my fictions. That what I love about movies with a meaning. They have complex plots and they tell a lot about human behaviour. I’ve always been interested in that. I don’t get inspiration from books, I get it from TV or movies. I like thinking so reality-TV is not my thing. If I want to rest my brain, I watch a comedy or write a story with no sense. Humour is good medicine for the mind. I can watch comedy shows that came out years ago and still laugh at them. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen The Golden girls or Frasier for example. Some things never get old. Treat your mind with what you love. That’s how I go by and it makes life worth living.