Alright but not stellar

June 18, 2018 Mia8 Comments

They say don’t compare yourself to others but sometimes it just comes into your mind. Other people seem to succeed in things they do much better than yourself. You feel you’re a failure compared to others. They do all these stellar things and you’re just there feeling blue because you can’t get that Wow- feeling. It can be anything, a job you do, social skills, raising your kids and so on. The only comfort you get is trying to appreciate what you have.

I feel like the way I described above. I think I’m alright but not stellar. I should believe in myself more because who else will? No one is great when they start things. It takes a lot of practice. In some things, I have years of experiences. Like photography. It’s probably 20 years but I still don’t see if I’ve improved in it. All those educations I’ve been in and I still don’t see it? Maybe I’m just a hobbyist and I thought my photos were good enough. It’s only when someone tells me they’re good. Or at least alright. I always have a doubt what people really think. I have had comments my photos are nothing special. One was a pro of all people. Maybe it has affected me a little but that’s just one opinion. People seem to like them and that’s what matters. I haven’t got a job because my photos but I’m not planning to be a pro anymore anyway. Maybe 3 years ago but now my priorities have changed. Also because I don’t have driver’s license which seems to be so important in that profession.

I have always been a creative person. At least in my own mind. But then I see other peoples stellar work and it makes me feel so small. They’re really talented and it feels I’m not. You should never forget they were novices once too and probably felt the same way. But they didn’t give up. I haven’t given up because if I had, I would have changed my mind about what I wanted to do. I’ve stuck to the idea I would do something creative. It would be great if I would earn money from it. An office job is not for me or any other uncreative things. That’s why web design and graphic design is suitable for me. There you can express yourself and at the same time help others. The problem is I’m not very good at giving advice to people. I’m the one who needs advice. I can only tell what I think of things or what I’ve experienced in life. I can find out things for other people but I don’t know how to give advice from memory. I can’t tell you how to get more followers to your blog or how to promote your business. Those are things I want to know. I really dislike the words standing out. Isn’t it enough to be the way I am? OK, maybe I’m standing out for not knowing how to advise people. That’s not really something to brag about, is it?

One thing I do know I’m stellar at is writing fiction. Maybe it sounds a bit arrogant to think so but if you don’t like what you write yourself, how will others think so? I only write it for fun but I’m still satisfied with my writing. I also write them in English so that has also impressed people. I’ve written them so long I don’t think I could write one in Finnish or Swedish. Besides, in English, the stories sound so much better. I wish I could be stellar in other things I do the way I feel in writing. I guess I just done it so much longer (since I could write) so it feels more natural to me. Life is a learning process and you’re never finished. Comparing yourself to others will only make you feel worse. Be who you are and be stellar in what you do best.

On the dark of power in confusion

March 15, 2018 MiaLeave a comment

provoke doors

I’ve always known entrepreneurship wasn’t for my kind of person. But yet I decided to study it. I think I must be provoking myself into believing I can do it. I just don’t have that business instinct. I can’t even keep my own financial things in check. I don’t even know how to explain that and honestly, I don’t even bother finding out. Anyway, this whole having your own business feels so complicated. It’s like Hebrew to me. Especially this business plan you need to write. So many questions to answer. Why can’t it be simple? I make websites, maybe some graphic design and photography. Bam and ready, get me work. But no, you need something new to offer and target groups, who you sell to. You can’t just say whoever pays me well. I feel like I have nothing to offer. Let’s face it, the principle in web design is the same. You can’t invent something that’s already there. Or maybe I missed something. All this studying is so boring when you don’t get it. Actually, all this talk about it bores me. Maybe I should get a job from someone else but that’s not gonna happen either.

I keep searching for other web designers and it makes me feel blue. A lot of them offer the same things but they’re much more experienced than I am. Some of them make sites cheap which makes me wonder, how do they live? The biggest problems are these do-it-yourself where any amateur can make a website. How can you compete with that? Soon no one needs a pro to do them. Even those who are not web designers make sites for clients. But it’s not about making a site and that’s it. You also need marketing skills which are my weakness. If all that could be done online for free, then things would be much easier. But to get clients to your business, you have to get out of your comfort zone. Sorry, but I can’t do it. I can go to place but then I just want to leave. It feels so awkward to be around strangers. That’s the curse of a shy introvert like myself. Networking is something I wish I could ignore altogether. But I shouldn’t forget there are other introverts who have succeeded anyway. Just look at J.K Rowling and Richard Branson. If they can do it, so could I. Even though making a living out if is more then enough. I don’t want to be rich and famous.

It’s easier said than done. I don’t even know if I have the skills anymore. It’s been a year since I did anything web design related. Making up projects is not my style. I can’t make up things if I don’t have anything to go on. Then I have had so many other things to think about so I haven’t had the motivation to practice anything. I’m ‘On the dark of power in confusion’ and I can’t get much done because of it. Maybe things aren’t that complicated and it’s only in my head. I just have to find the red thread and maybe I find the solution one way or another.

Walking in the shadows

January 26, 2018 MiaLeave a comment

Maybe I should stop using social media altogether. I don’t get much reaction very often from what I post there. It feels like walking in the shadows. Not even a single silhouette of me. It’s like talking to a wall or myself. Then again talking to myself isn’t bad. How could I have an intellectual conversation otherwise? A lot of people post things I don’t really care about. Comparing my life with theirs, at least they have an exciting one. Nothing much happens in mine. Social media can be a very depressive place. If you feel down, it’s better to avoid it altogether. I rather do something else than be online.

They say you can use social media in a job search. Oh really? It doesn’t work for everyone. LinkedIn is quite overrated too. I’ve only got one message from a recruiter and that was last year. I think using your energy to something else is a much better choice. Maybe it can work for some but I’m walking in the shadow where no one notices no matter what I do. My network only got 5 people which is even less effective. Apparently, I’m not that interesting to recruiters. But that’s no surprise. They say job search is like dating but I have no luck in that either. At least I’m not alone. A lot of other people have the same problems.
Self- employment is the other option. What worries me about having an own business, is how can I find clients, if my personal account doesn’t get much attention? Getting yourself out there shouldn’t be this hard but what can you do when there are a thousand of others trying to do the same.

I wonder if I chose the wrong occupation, design (web and graphic). There are not many job offers for someone who hasn’t had that much experience. Young people who started in their teens with design versus someone who changed careers at 30 something. Who gets the job? The young person because they’re the future obviously. That’s what the employers are looking for. It’s not just design but photography as well. You must be quite good to get hired. With my skills it’s impossible. I’ve tried to practice drawing lately but I feel it’s a lost cause. Honestly, I’m not that excited about drawing. I would definitely not get a job where it’s required. At least not with this one I drew last night.

My father is a good drawer so he said practice makes you better but I don’t think that works for me. You need the passion for it. I wish I could be as excited about it as I am in fan fiction writing. Other jobs seem so boring. At least in design, you can do the job anywhere. Whatever others say, this is my final decision and nothing will make me change my mind. Then again, that’s what I thought about photography too and that failed.

If I didn’t have this blog and support from you, the reader, I wouldn’t have the motivation to keep going. I would feel useless and untalented. I would probably be suffering from depression if I let negative thoughts enter my mind. I might feel down for a while but unlike depression, it’s just a passing feeling. I don’t want to be famous, I just want someone to believe in what I do. Walking in the shadows should be temporary but no one seems to have the courage to speak up. I rather hear negative comments about my skills than hearing no comments at all. But they don’t need to be criticising. You can say things nicely. If no one never gives advice or comments about what they like about your work, how can you get better? I just want to know if I really have the skill I think I have. I don’t want to continue something I have no future with. That goes with anything life has to offer.