Never give up, they say. But I’m about to unfurl the white flag. Before someone starts to worry, I don’t mean life. Things are not that bad. I have things to live for. When it comes to finding something to fill life with, that’s where my patience is failing. Life can’t be only about eating, sleeping and sit in front of the computer. It’s been summer and I’ve just had a lot of free time on my hands. But I have deserved a break after all that studying I did. The older you get, the more exhausting studying is. Even a short holiday is good for you. I went with my dad to Stockholm last weekend. It was rainy days with some sunshine. I slipped on stairs to a bathroom and hurt my right arm but luckily it’s back to normal. That was enough of excitement for the whole year. It scared the hell out of me when I got hurt. Abroad and a broken arm, no fun. I was so relieved nothing serious happened. I couldn’t bend the arm for a day or two. Being right-handed it would have been a disaster if it had been longer. After an experience like that, you need another break but summer is over soon.
I should get something to do in the Autumn. Soon I’ll forget what I’ve learned in web design. That’s what the white flag is for. I’m lost of hope of finding a job in the open market. They always require skills I don’t have. I could be an intern in some company but I’ve only had those and not a job that pays. When I search for the keyword “Web Designer” online, I get “Web Developer” It’s not really the same thing. I haven’t developed anything. At the moment ‘Web Designer’ is only a title. Maybe I’m modest but I don’t feel like one. Actually, I don’t feel like I’m anything. Last time I designed a website was in school. But I did that for free and it was easier to find a client. Now I’m in the real world and I have to do real work. I don’t know what I’m afraid of if I become self-employed. There’s the money issue and the other is networking. I’m not very good at valuing how much something costs either. Everything seems so complicated. If would be easier to work for someone else. But if there’s no job out there, maybe I just have to do it the hard way.
“I can’t do it” “Yes you can”
Sometimes you think you can’t do things but you’re capable to do anything if you put your mind to it. I said to my mother a lot of times, I can’t do it whatever it was. But as a parent should, she always believed I would. It’s difficult to judge yourself. It’s not until someone says you’re good at something, you believe it. Even then you feel you’re not good enough. I’m never completely satisfied of things I do. Even in blogging I sometimes think my writing is not good enough. Of course you get better, more you practise. I wish I had the enthusiasm to practise other things. I should practise photography but I’m not that excited. Practise has always been difficult for me. I’m probably lazy to do things. I also give up too easily. When I was a child I took electronic piano lessons but I didn’t like the teacher so I quit. I even got an electronic piano for Christmas but I didn’t play with it that much. I still have it in my own place. One of the keys is broken so it’s not much fun to play it. I used it when I got older but I only learned with one hand. I also played a fibble flute in school but I didn’t practise enough. Now I can play it of course and I do from time to time. Practise makes perfect but I just have to find motivation to do it.
I know I can do things if I just put my mind to it. If I learned English and riding a bike, I can learn other things too. I’ve never been good in Math and that’s something I will never learn no matter how much mind I have in it. But other easier things is a possibility. Creative stuff mostly because that’s a natural thing for me. Maybe I’m born with it, I don’t know. I have to keep telling myself I am capable and not fall into despair. What I’m learning now is coding and that’s been a challenge to me. It feels like I’m never gonna make it. I haven’t been confident enough to believe I got what it takes to become a web designer. I didn’t think I would. It was just something I wanted to add to my resume but now when I’ve got to know more about it, I’ve started to think maybe I could become one. My client gave me great feedback and it gave me more confidence. It’s not only about designing websites. A web designer can also make things a graphic designer can. There’s a lot of opportunities to do creative things and that’s what I know I’m capable of.
You should never doubt your skills. That’s what I should try to remember myself. Everybody probably doesn’t like what you do but you can’t please everyone. People have different opinions. Having those negative ones should be taken advantage of and make you do things differently. I hardly get any feedback online how to improve things and are the things I do really any good. If it’s writing fiction or taking photograph. How can you improve if you don’t get any constructive feedback? But it won’t stop me from doing things. I do it for myself anyway. Maybe people just don’t know how to analyse things. Well, not everyone is an expert on that. You need to have a special mind to have deep thoughts. I have learned to get things done by myself without anyone’s help. In that way I’m an independent person. If I wanted help I would ask for it but I usually try to search the answer myself first. If you want things done, you need to do them yourself. If you’re capable of doing that, you can do anything.