Tag: writing

Bury myself in thought

Mia1 Comment

spades in sandSometimes I bury myself in thought. Especially when it comes to writing fan fiction. When I have an idea, the writing can take days and during them, I get lost in thought. I stay in that state of mind and I might even forget the real life for a while. The fiction is better than reality and I need an escape from that. The fiction could take over if I don’t wake up to reality. I can get lost in my thoughts if it’s a person I’m thinking about or something I’ve seen entertainment wise. My mind goes everywhere at once. It can be stressful at times because I see things from different angles.

There’s more life inside my head than on the outside. I was once told my inside world should show on the outside but that’s impossible. First of all my world inside is impossible to fulfil because it’s not real. Secondly, if my inside world would be outside, no one would follow the script and most of it would be censored. The world just couldn’t handle my mind. You might see some of that world in my fiction but still, it doesn’t give the right idea. I’ll bury those thoughts in my head until the day I die. Or take that to my grave so no one will ever found out. Some thoughts should remain in the vault and never see daylight. Some of my thoughts are getting worse as I get older so it should remain hidden.

Some people want to bury their feelings because they think it’s weak to show emotions. But that’s like denying you’re human. Even if you don’t show emotion, you should at least have respect for others. A smile is never bad and if you had a bad day, you should still be friendly. If you work with clients, you should be able to play nice. I’ve seen a lot of cashiers in the store who doesn’t smile and that puts me right off. They shouldn’t work in a service occupation if they can’t be friendly. Sometimes you need to keep your emotions in check because you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. But if you bury all your feelings, nothing good will come out of it. So keep smiling because then the world smiles with you.

From pencil to paper to computer

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paper and lap topI used to write with a pencil and paper. I got my ideas written down easier. But recently I haven’t written anything on a paper first. Maybe I’m getting lazy but also because I find it easier to write on a computer. With a pen you get a sore wrist and papers pile up. Used paper that is. I never write on fresh ones. Writing on the computer is faster and you can edit errors immediately. Writing with a pencil you have to use an eraser and that produces a lot of junk from it. My latest fan fictions were written on the computer. It saves a lot of time and paper.

A lot of things are on the computer these days. You can pay your bills online. Contact the authorities. You can ever order your passport through the internet. When you go to a photographer to take your photo for the passport, they send it straight to the police station. There’s no need to print them on paper anymore. Even if a lot of things have been digitised, there’s still need for prints. It’s much easier to read long documents from a paper. My eyes get too tired if I read too long stories on the computer. People who read books from a printed version even prefer it that way. Holding the real thing in your hand is much more satisfying. I still read the newspaper. Well look through it and read if there are things that interest me. I prefer that better than online even if I do that too.

There are good things about paper but also not so good. A lot of trees had been torn down to make paper through decades. But it has also served people. Fortunately, humans have found a way to recycle paper to make new ones. Technology might have taken over but there’s always a need for paper. If it didn’t exist graphic designers and artists couldn’t do their work. Authors need paper to get their books printed for people to read them. Reading is good for you and doing that from a paper is so much easier. I’m still gonna use paper from time to time because without that I would forget how to use a pencil. It’s easier to plan when you have them in hand. No computer can never replace them completely.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

My portion of life

Mia1 Comment

streetfoodThe older one gets, the more you understand life is hard. But it’s not always in a negative way. The portion of life has its ups and down because that’s the way it is. Everyone has it difficult sometimes but that doesn’t mean you should feel you’re not worth it. I can’t put myself in someone’s shoes who got mental issues because I’m never been depressed. I’ve felt down for a while but I found things to pull up my spirit. It’s easy for me to say, get over it. Only a person who’s suffered from mental illness can understand how it really feels like. When I was a teenager I did think about suicide when I felt things were impossible but I would never have acted on it. Some have it so bad, they actually do try. There have been recent celebrity deaths that have been caused by too much medication. Just take Chris Cornell for example. He had a loving family and a band but still, he ended his own life. We don’t know the real reason and many questions will be unanswered. There had to be more than just too much medicine. The one’s who’s gonna suffer the most is the family. Someone who decides to end their life is selfish. But when they’re depressed, they don’t think about that. Depression should be talked about and not pretending it doesn’t exist. You can’t save them all but suicide shouldn’t be the last resort. If people talked more, a lot of problems could be solved. If you keep everything inside it will get worse. There’s always someone who can help. It’s not easy to take the first step but if it that step doesn’t come from you first, nothing will get better.

When I was younger I went to psychiatrists and talking about my problems did help. Going to one is nothing to be embarrassed about. You don’t need to feel incomplete and ashamed about wanting to get help. You can’t handle everything alone. For me, writing is one kind of therapy. It’s cheaper than paying for a psychiatrist. If you can’t afford one, writing your thoughts down can be a big help. I’ve had a lot of diaries where I wrote what I thought about and what I experienced. Reading them years later, makes me wonder why I even felt what I felt at the time. I wrote a lot of silly stuff too that I now find ridiculous. If I hadn’t written my thought down, I would have been a different person now and maybe I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. All those problems I had then seems unnecessary now. If I had chosen a different path, I would have caused a lot of sadness to my parents. They’d already had lost one child and if I had given up as soon as things got tough, I would have missed a lot of things. Instead of thinking what you don’t have, maybe thinking about things you do have, will make you feel better.

Tomorrow I’ll be turning, urgh, 40. Yikes. Time really has flown by. Becoming older is not fun but it’s not bad either. I’m glad I’ve come this far. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager. I hated that period. I’ve never been a rebel and I didn’t do what others at my age did. I thought other teens were stupid and I rather stayed home with my parents. I had other teen problems. Spots and all that. I wasn’t happy with myself. I let other people treat me like I didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t as confidence as I am now. I got stabbed in the back by friends and I had a hard time to find new ones. I’m still the same. I don’t keep in touch with people I’ve been to later schools with. I’ve learned to be alone and I prefer not to share my so-called space with others. They say being alone is not good for your health but for me, it helps. I get tired of people around. I never know what to say and it feels forced to start conversations. I’m gonna be one of those cranky ladies who stalks their neighbours and complains about their behaviours to myself. Or maybe not. If I could, I would live somewhere in nature with an internet connection and things I like the best. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t meet a single person. That’s my portion of life. Being left alone and be the person I want to be without having to please other people’s expectations.

If I’m lucky I hope this wish for aloneness doesn’t affect my mental health. I’m never lonely which is one of the feelings that makes a person depressed. Sometimes it’s good to see other people but I don’t need to get connected with them. The only time I feel lonely is when I don’t have any entertainment with me. Music and movies make me happy. Without them, this life would be unbearable. Every one should find a way to live as happy as they can. If you need other people around you, then that should be enough to you. It’s your life and you decide what you want to do with it. Happiness doesn’t come from big things. It’s the small things that matter. You can learn a lot from kids and animals. Adults seem to forget how to look at life from a positive angle. If you see everything negative, you think that’s what life is about. There’s too much of that in the news. Life is beautiful and we shouldn’t forget what’s good about it.

 

 

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna