Bucket without a list

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What makes you nervous?

Daily Prompt

A lot of people have bucket lists. Things to do before 30, 40 or 50. But I have a bucket without a list. I don’t like to plan ahead. It doesn’t matter if I don’t achieve something at some age. Certain things you can’t plan. You don’t need to do them until a certain age. I didn’t think I would ever go to a concert when I was a teenager, but now I have been to several. Two more this summer. I didn’t think I would get a driver’s license, either. Life is full of surprises. If you haven’t achieved something at 30, you can do it before 40 etc. So, what if you don’t achieve them at all. Bucket lists aren’t rules you must follow or something will happen to you if you don’t.

One thing that could be on a bucket list, but it won’t, is talking on the phone with strangers. It makes me nervous. I can never call an employer. If someone says I should call one, I get terrified. I had to call once and was so nervous; it took hours to pick up the courage. I hate that feeling and do anything I don’t need to call anyone. Writing an email is easier because the risk of screwing up is minimal. You should not force an introvert to make a phone call. It’s easier to talk to someone you know. It’s calling a stranger where the problem lies. I have blocked unknown numbers on my phone because I don’t want to talk to strangers.

I don’t think I ever get over the dislike for needles. Blood tests make me nervous. That’s one of the reasons why I can’t donate blood. I can’t get a tattoo, either. I wouldn’t want one anyway. Injections are OK because it’s over in moments. Unless you need to get them a lot, as I did once. In 1994 had endoscopic surgery for my knee. I had to wait a few days for it, so they gave me injections in my stomach. I don’t remember why. It was something about not getting blood clots because I had to stay in bed. The injections made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t want them at all. Needles cause me anxiety. Even if I use a needle to mend something, I’m always worried I’ll stick myself. Anything sharp makes me nervous.

Face your fear, but I don’t want to face a fear that makes me nervous. I prefer not to do things that make me feel like that. I never want to make speeches or presentations. I don’t like people looking at me. I want to get out of that situation as fast as possible when I’m nervous. I rush things, and it’s ruined. If it’s a presentation where I stand alone, I only get nervous when it’s my turn and not before. Things look easy in my head, but the reality isn’t. Avoiding unpleasant things is easier, and I don’t want to put them on a bucket list.

I can’t predict the future

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Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Daily Prompt

The way things are going now, I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what will happen this year, so I can’t know what I’ll do in 10 years. I won’t move a muscle until I figure out what I want to do right now. I can wish for things, but they are not future plans. I’ll be 56 in 10 years (I will turn 46 on June 2). Hopefully, I will have a job. At 56, it’s not easy to get hired. I wouldn’t want to be unemployed at that age. Maybe in 10 years, there won’t be age discrimination. A lot can happen in 10 years. You never know when you will die. I can get some deadly disease or get into an accident. My dad probably won’t be around in 10 years. He turned 79 this year. Unless he’s blessed with a long life like his half-sister. She’s 91 years old. My dad doesn’t exactly live a healthy life. Even if a person does live healthily, they can still pass on at any age. I could imagine what I could be in 10 years if I was younger. Now I can only wish.

I know I won’t have anybody in my life. There will only be people that will only be there for a moment, and then I will meet new ones. It sounds sad, but I have nobody now, either. Some people are better off alone. I like being on my own. I like meeting new people and all that, but I need my privacy. Now and in 10 years. Or who knows. I can’t predict the future.

I want to feel I have achieved something. I don’t want big things to happen, though. I live day by day. I don’t want to think about the future. I hope I can do what I feel. I can’t be forced to do something I’m not comfortable with. Other people can see what they want to see. I know myself, and I don’t change because someone doesn’t like the way I am. You shouldn’t live the way other people want you to live. It’s your life, and you can do what you want as long as it’s legal. Society must learn that we can’t all be the same and live the same way. I hope in 10 years, differences will be more accepted.