Who knows more about introversion than a person who is? I can’t begin to imagine how an extrovert feels because I’ve never been one. How many introverts have heard, “why are you so quiet?” or “you don’t say much”? A few years ago I didn’t even think about what introversion was. The word didn’t belong in my vocabulary. I just thought I was shy and reserved. I was but it was a risky business. Or lack of it more like it. I wanted to say to people I’m not quiet. I just chose who I talk to. If a conversation wasn’t interesting enough, of course I wouldn’t say anything. Why would I care about subjects that doesn’t interest me? If extroverts don’t know how to stop, then what’s the point of an introvert to interrupt their conversations? We do have manners after all.
As an introvert, risk taking is not my strongest suit. I missed a lot of things because I was too worried about taking a chance. I wanted to study abroad when I was a teenager but my mother thought it was too expensive and it was. I could have gone when I had my own money but I never did. I just accepted I would never get a chance. Introversion was part of my cowardness.
If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul. – Drew Barrymore
That’s the story of my life. Things are easier said than done. When someone says you should call that and that person, it’s easy to say, just do it. But for an introvert it’s not. I hate the feeling I get when I’m suppose to call a stranger. I’m really nervous. I think about what to say for a long time. Then I start to think about all kinds of scenarios of what could happen. I’m so worried I’ll screw up or get misunderstood. I would lose a lot of job opportunities this way if I had any. I’m just not a risk taker.
I’ve had taken some small risks. I did get an education. I took a risk to apply to Helsinki Design School to study photography and I got in without any help to fill the application. I did call that digital marketing company and got an interview. I didn’t get any work practise but I was proud of myself for taking that step to call a stranger. Those are risks some people might see it as a no brainer but for me it was an accomplishment. Even going to the store to buy a TV is risk taking. I’m not socially awkward and don’t suffer from anxiety, I just feel uncomfortable around strangers. That’s why I prefer buying things online.
It’s better be safe than sorry. People who take big risks, end up disappointed more often. I rather do things properly than do things on a whim. I think long and hard when I want to buy something expensive. Even if I was a millionaire I would still do things that way. I want to buy quality and not because I must have things.
Having this blog is a risk itself. I do reveal things about myself I wouldn’t normally do with people I’ve never met. As a private person it’s an achievement to be this open about things. As open as I’ve been so far at least. I still want to keep stuff to myself though. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Not bad for an introvert, right?
It’s so easy to think about disappointments in your life than about things that is good. Sometimes life is full of surprises. That’s one of the reason I don’t like making plans because when I plan something, it just disappoints. I thought I would have a career, a family and a bright future at 25 but that never happened. It feels like I haven’t achieved anything in my life. I’ve only experienced disappointments. I feel like a failure at times. Seeing other people being so together at 30 something. Even under 30 has experienced more things than I have. At the same time I’m actually glad I’ve missed things because you can’t miss something you never experienced. When other have problems in family affairs or having to support others, I only have to live for me. Especially when I’m unemployed and I don’t have enough money to support anyone else. It’s a blessing and a curse.
I used to have a dream about becoming a pro in photography. I especially wanted to photograph motor sport. Mostly Formula One but that dream were dashed when I realised there’s a long way to go and I didn’t have faith I would get that far. I probably only wanted to photograph that because of a certain F1 driver but he’s now retired from that series anyway. Becoming a pro you need practise and if you can’t even get an internship how will you get work experience in that field. I’m mostly disappointed at myself that I don’t have that ambition and courage to try better. Follow your dream they say but I don’t believe it will ever happen to me. I just dream small because I’ve been disappointed too many times so I don’t expect much.
I had a happy childhood. I had loving parents and a sister. I had friends in school and everything was alright. It was the adulthood that has been sucking big time. I feel I’m behind everyone else in my age group. They’re all been experiencing things. Fallen in love, travelled outside Europe, got a career etc. I’m still stuck in what I want to do in my life. I’m a grown-up but mentally a lost child. I haven’t even had a real job with real pay. I’m still stuck in those teenage years when you’re still finding yourself. Except that I know who I am and why I’m on this earth. Well, in a way I don’t what my purpose is here. If there’s a higher power (which I truly believe there is) why do I only feel disappointments. Where is my happiness? Don’t I deserve it once in a while? By happy I don’t mean a relationship because happiness is more than that to me. I found happiness in small things but sometimes I wish I could find something bigger than that. I wish I had enough money to travel somewhere. Experience new things. What would me happier right now is a job where I know what I’m doing and in a laid back work environment. I probably end up disappointed again.
All those negative thoughts, there’s also positive thoughts. Enjoy the things you have and not what you don’t. I’m lucky I have a roof over my head. I have enough money to buy food and pay my bills. I’ve had parents who taught me things. I’ve had people who believed in me and support everything I do. I have my health. I don’t even have flu that often. I’m stronger than I was when I was younger. I believe there is a light in the end of the tunnel. Future might look and feel dark right now but it can’t last forever. Positive thinking keeps me positive even if there will be disappointments. But that’s what life is about it. You just have to take it as they come.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring