The struggle within me

reflectionsMy whole life’s been a struggle. I’m surprised I’m still alive. I think everyone has had days where they wish they were never born. Especially in your teenage years and you’re trying to find yourself. There were times I wished I would be dead. I’ve never tried to end it all but it had entered my mind when things didn’t go the way I wanted. They were only thoughts. I’ve never been that depressed. I always found reasons to live. That’s what life is about. You have your struggles but you still go on.

The worst struggle I’ve had, has been (and still is) what kind of job I want to do. Maybe I’m too picky but I have an indecisive mind. I really don’t know what I want to do. My interest changes daily and I get bored easily. I don’t know what my strengths are either. My mother said to me a lot of times, any job is good because at least that’s a start. That’s been my problem, I’m not a risk taker. I’ve never been the one who tries new things easily. It’s part of being an introvert. I’m always worried about things beforehand. Everything looks good in my head but I never have enough courage to do anything about it. Maybe because I’m lazy or afraid I’ll get stuck in a rut. My dreams have been dashed because there’s always something that gets in the way. If it’s personal issues or some other issues. That’s the reason I don’t dream about anything anymore. I’ve been disappointed at myself so many times. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it, doesn’t really describe me. I’m not an ambitious person and a go-getter. I feel comfortable in my little bubble and would rather not get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I would if there were a person who could get me out of my shell from time to time. But the struggle within me, will only give that person more stress.

Life shouldn’t be struggle all the time but my life seems to be. Even writing this post is a struggle. My thoughts are everywhere and it’s not easy to stay on point. This struggle is nothing compared to the struggle people face in the world right now though. That’s a real struggle. Mine is only a fight against myself and that’s my problem.