Entering my territory


I always worry if I’m good enough to do a job. I’ve studied different things but I have never done any real jobs in those fields. I’ve studied script writing, graphic design, photography and now web design. I have different skills but I’ve uncertain if I’m good enough. I’m glad I haven’t studied to become a nurse because I would be afraid I might hurt somebody. I’m trustworthy and can keep a secret but when it comes to making a living, I don’t trust myself.

When it comes to doing nothing, I’m entering my territory. Actually, if you see me doing nothing, it means I still do. There’s never a quiet moment in my head. I keep thinking about different things. If I got a penny from every thought, I would be rich by now. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid for thinking. You can if you become a pro blogger but that means you have to do something. Thinking and writing things down, are different things. I’m too lazy to use my energy to think what to write about. Blogging as a hobby is much more satisfying since I write for myself and not for a client. Writing for a living would be too overwhelming for me.

It’s on the job learning period in the web design education and I keep thinking, I am doing the right things? Do I ask the right questions for a possible client? This is part of the education to be unsure but what happens when the school is over? Can I succeed as a web designer? What if I haven’t learned the right things and I only realise it much later? What I least want to happen is misleading a client. I wanted to become different things and I’m always doubting if I can do anything. Maybe this doubt is a curse or I just lack confidence. I know I can do things but I’m too afraid to make a mistake. It’s not the small ones but the big ones. In the design business, the competition is tough so I don’t know if I’m ambitious enough. That’s the same with photography and it makes me wonder why I chose creative subjects in the first place. Competition is definitely not my territory.

I would hate it if I had to start all over again. I don’t want to be a student all my life. I want to have a life that means something. If I had one wish it would be bravery. I want to stick to something for once and not searching in the darkness. Everybody should have at least one territory they excel in. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for but I hope I’ll find it soon.




An ordinary childhood turned to tears

two girls from the back

I had an ordinary childhood. We were a 4 member family who lived in an apartment building. We went on trips, had birthday parties, had friends, spent time with grandmothers, had disagreements and so on. We didn’t have any pets since my sister was allergic. It was a good childhood for me. But things wouldn’t stay the same. We as a family had to go through a tough period which is something not everyone has to go through. One part of my childhood ended in tears. My sister got sick and she was only 10 years old. Life wasn’t the same after that. My mother took care of her. We spent a lot of times in the hospital which is the reason I don’t like them to this day. I was only 6 years old so I don’t remember much. I remember bits of it. Some of the hospital visits and when she was home. Also something about her last days or so. One memory of it was that she couldn’t swallow food anymore so she had to be fed through a tube. I can imagine how my parents felt for losing their child like that. Seeing a loved one fade away is the hardest thing. No one should go through it.
We went to Europe after she passed away to recover. We were somewhere in Austria when the head of my doll fell off and I cried like it had been a real person. I think that was my way of mourning even if I didn’t know it at the time. I remember it like it was yesterday. The head of the doll was put back on so that wasn’t a serious “injury”

When you go through this kind of things in your childhood, it affects the rest of your life. When other have problems with their siblings, I think, at least they got one. They don’t know how it feels like to grow up without one. I’m sure I would have been a totally different person if my sister was still alive. On the other hand, if I wouldn’t have gone through it, I couldn’t sympathise with someone who’s lost a loved one the same way I do now. You learn that life is not always they way you want it to be. Nothing shouldn’t be taken granted. All you can do is grow as a human and enjoy all the small things life gives you.

I’m glad I had a childhood. There are children who have it worse. Today they have to grow up faster and that causes problems. Kids should have the right to play outside without having to carry their smartphones with them. It seems modern technology has made people lazy and it’s infecting the kids too. I played outside a lot when I was a kid. Today parents are worried something will happen to their children so they don’t let them go anywhere alone. But it is understandable because the world is not as safe as it was when I was a kid. I wouldn’t want to be one now. My childhood was safe. The first time I went to the store by myself, I was only 3 years old. I could only carry one milk carton though 😀 You couldn’t let someone that young go anywhere alone today. Even though my childhood turned to tears, it was still a happy time. I’m still here and I survived. That’s what matters the most.

Life has its ups and downs. Like in ‘Rollercoaster‘ by Bon Jovi. Life is a rollercoaster and not a merry-go-round. I like the latter better because drama makes life stressful when there’s a lot of that. Would be nice to have something good once in a while but you have to deal with the cards you get. It’s all the small things that make life worth living and that’s something everyone deserves to know.