Boring job interview

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Maybe people find my blog posts about job search boring or uninteresting, but I write them anyway. This is not really about a job search. It’s about job interviews that I only get one every 5 years. I never know what to say in the questions they ask. I wish I had a fast mind, so I could answer questions without having a pause. I want to do a boring job interview that you can’t do in a real interview. These are questions they might ask. The answers are not what I would say in a real interview. Just wanted to repeat that.

Question: Tell me about yourself
Answer: Um, well, I’m human. I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I fart, I hear, I smell. And meh, I’m bored—next question.

Q: Why are you interested in working for this company?
A: I don’t know. I won’t get it anyway. You’re probably already bored with me.

Q: Can you describe your strengths?
A: No, I should think about it for a few weeks. Can I get back to you? 

Q: What are some of your weaknesses?
A: Answering these questions. Only finding my weaknesses.

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: Alive, hopefully. I don’t even know what I do after this interview.

Q: Why should we hire you?
A: I don’t know. I’m nice. I do my work as good as I can.

Q: What do you consider to be your biggest professional achievement?
A: Have you seen my resume? I don’t even have a career, thanks to employers who don’t want to hire me because I don’t have enough experience.

Q: Why are there gaps in your resume?
A: I’ve studied duh. It’s none your business why the reason is. I haven’t been lazy, that’s for sure.

Q: What are your salary expectations?
A: As long as I don’t become poor. How much do you want to pay me?

Q: What is your greatest achievement?
A: Getting this interview for starters. I’m still alive.

These are tough questions. You never know what they interviewers want to hear. That’s the reason why I fail at job interviews. Not knowing what to say. If the interviews were written down, it could be easier to answer them. But the companies are too busy to find an employee, so they don’t have time for a “slow” person like me. I already fail at cover letters and even finding something to apply to. I would be fortunate if I even got a job interview. I wouldn’t get the job anyway.