School is over for this year and holiday has begun. I’m really glad it has. The whole semester was maddening. I learned to code but it’s been hard. I’m actually thought of quitting the whole education. I was so frustrated because I couldn’t learn. I still get confused. It would be easier if I did the planning and designing and someone else could do the coding. I don’t know if I’ll never become a web designer. The reason I applied to it was because there were no jobs in photography and I wanted something else beside that. I never thought it would be this hard. At least I got this far. I got my first client and got more experience from that. Even though I never got the site ready, at least the client was satisfied.
It’s so good to be home. I’ve never liked living in a dorm. The walls are thin so you can hear people talking. Some people have no respect for rules. It should be quiet at 10.30 pm but they’re still making noise after that. I can’t understand how they can go to bed late and still wake up at 7 am.
Then the internet is really slow so it’s difficult to blog. Luckily I could write in the class room after school. In the dorm you never know if the internet works. It’s really frustrated when you write something and then you get cut off. That’s what happened with a post I wrote earlier this week. I wasn’t sure if it got posted or not but I had the tablet so I could look if it had. I then decided I would write in the class room. We usually have school until Thursday but today we had a Christmas party and Christmas lunch so I only came home today. I was so relieved it was finally over for this year.
This Christmas will really feel like a real holiday. I’ve been stressing and working hard so I deserve one. I won’t think a single thing about web design and coding this year. Me and dad are going to Riga on Christmas again so I don’t need to think about food or anything. The only Christmas food I’m gonna make is ‘joulutorttu‘ (Christmas tart with prune jam) The rest can someone else do. I’m just gonna enjoy this well-deserved free time.
Today it’s been 3 years since my mother died. It was one of the hardest things I ever been through. She wasn’t only my mother, she was also a friend. We had our ups and down but who hasn’t. When I had problems I could ask her for help. She had been through a lot in her life so she knew a lot of things. She was also very caring and helpful. She lost her father when she was a child. He also had cancer. She lost her first child (my sister) and it was really hard on all of us. That was the reason why we travelled to Europe. I was only 6 so I don’t remember much of that time.
I only want to remember the good times which is something we all should do if we lost a family member. We travelled quite a lot and when we did, it was fun. Of course some conflict came but nothing is perfect. Travelling hasn’t been the same again. Actually nothing has been the same. We went to ski trips to Lapland almost every year. I was only 2 months old when I was there the first time. We used to have a cabin there that my father shared with a few other owners. But when he sold his share, we rented a cabin or a hotel room somewhere else. Slalom was a family hobby of ours. He taught us both so we’ve never been to a lesson. I was 6 when I first started but I wouldn’t say I’m good at it. Me and mother skied a lot there. My father used to compete in alpine slalom when he was younger but I guess he got old and wasn’t as keen anymore. Last time we were skiing was in 2011. Who knew that a year later, it would all change and our ski trips as a family would be history. (she was diagnosed with cancer in 2012)
Things change and sometimes it hurts but we have to move on. That’s what my mother would have wanted. Even if she was ill, she was still worried about me. She was a worrier and sometimes she worried too much. There were things that I left unsaid. I’ll regret it forever. It probably wouldn’t have changed anything. She would still have passed away. She was the one who cooked food for Christmas when we celebrated it at home. I always helped her in the kitchen so I learned how to cook. Making Christmas dinner is hard work so it’s not something you want to do by yourself. I don’t have anyone who could help so I don’t make it. We haven’t celebrated Christmas at home for a while and this time we won’t either. Last time was when she died and then Christmas wasn’t a celebration as you understand. It’s easier to go to a trip where everything is done for you. I think we would still go if my mother was still alive.
What I miss the most was the time we spent together. Going on cycling trips, going to the store, telling her about my day, baking and everything that we used to do. Doing those things now is not the same. Even though I had a good relationship with both parents, she was the one who I was closest to. She remembered things about the past that my father didn’t. I also miss when I could ask her about something from my childhood or if I needed help in daily things. Now I have to find out things on my own which is sometimes difficult. Those are times I wish she was still around. She was the one who went to the meetings in school and cared the most about my education. Both of my parents have always supported me in everything I do and I’m grateful for that. Everyone has their flaws but I’m lucky that I had parents that cared. That’s something not everyone have.
To mother. Till mor. Äidille.
It’s been 3 years since you’ve been gone. I wish it wasn’t so. I wanted you to stick around and see how I’m doing. I didn’t want you to worry. I’m doing fine. Maybe there was a reason why you had to go. Why you were the one who got sick. I’m been wondering that many times. But what’s done is done. I still think about you. It was better to see you leave than seeing you go through pain. Suffering is the worse and no one should be in that place. It could have been better if you could grow older. But maybe then I wouldn’t be as strong and independent as I am now. Sometimes there are times I think about what if you wouldn’t have gotten sick and how things would be. You could see what I’m doing now and I could tell how things are going. Your advice and encouraging is what I miss on times like these.
Even though I miss the times when you were still here, it encourages me to know you’re in a better place. Maybe we meet again or maybe we’re not. I’ll shed a tear or two when I think about you because you meant a lot to me. One thing is certain, life goes on and that’s what you wanted me to do. Like you said once, I’m still young and have a life to live. That’s what I’m doing, moving on. I’ll never forget you and will always remember you. RIP.
Finding your place in this world is not only a teenage problem. Being an adult is no picnic either. Some find their place easily and some don’t. I’m the latter. I’ve never really known what I wanted to be. It always felt I’m behind in everything. The reason I’ve studied a lot was because I’ve never really felt I belonged anywhere. I’ve studied something I liked at first but then later realised it wasn’t for me. Maybe because my fellow students weren’t my kind of people. The atmosphere in a class room is very important to me. It’s nicer to study with nice people than with people who aren’t. I also get bored easily and my interests change.
I don’t feel comfortable anywhere really so it takes time for me to adapt in new surroundings. It’s easier now than it was when I was younger though. I do things that feel right and not what is realistic. That causes problems, like getting a job. I’ve been told my wishes are too unrealistic so I should do something else. But I prefer doing things I like and not how much I get paid. I’m not money driven. I rather have job that I like. Some say a job is a job (my mother said it) but I’m picky. There are jobs I can’t do, like cleaning because I have an atopic dermatitis and all kinds of strong detergent are bad for me. I’ve never wanted an ordinary job anyway. If you would see my CV, most of what I’ve studied are creative occupations. Even the subject I’m studying now, Web Design, is creative. If I was in an office job, I would be bored out of my mind.
It’s an inner struggle trying to belong somewhere so I stopped trying. I’m perfectly fine with not belonging anywhere. People come and go. I don’t like being detached to anyone. It’s much nicer to meet new people than keeping old ones. Even though old friends are comfortable, it’s not something I look for. I’ve never really had any friends so I’m kind of used to be on my own. Maybe I belong there, in my own world. Sometimes I scare myself for being so laid-back. But when I do stress about things that are difficult, I feel like giving up. I try to find solutions myself and hardly ask for help. First I’m an introvert and it’s hard to speak up. Secondly I’m used to do things by myself.
One place I know I belong to is the city I’ve been born and raised in. I won’t tell you where it is because you shouldn’t really say that on the internet. But I can tell it’s in Finland. When I’m studying in another city, it feels like I’m on another planet. But when I get back home again, I feel at ease. I know my hometown like the back of my back pocket and yet there’s so many places there I haven’t been in. That’s where I belong and that’s my place. Home sweet home, how I miss you so.
In my world 