Advent Calendar, Day 14

elephant toy at a window
Nori watching the rain

Finding your place in this world is not only a teenage problem. Being an adult is no picnic either. Some find their place easily and some don’t. I’m the latter. I’ve never really known what I wanted to be. It always felt I’m behind in everything. The reason I’ve studied a lot was because I’ve never really felt I belonged anywhere. I’ve studied something I liked at first but then later realised it wasn’t for me. Maybe because my fellow students weren’t my kind of people. The atmosphere in a class room is very important to me. It’s nicer to study with nice people than with people who aren’t. I also get bored easily and my interests change.

I don’t feel comfortable anywhere really so it takes time for me to adapt in new surroundings. It’s easier now than it was when I was younger though. I do things that feel right and not what is realistic. That causes problems, like getting a job. I’ve been told my wishes are too unrealistic so I should do something else. But I prefer doing things I like and not how much I get paid. I’m not money driven. I rather have job that I like. Some say a job is a job (my mother said it) but I’m picky. There are jobs I can’t do, like cleaning because I have an atopic dermatitis and all kinds of strong detergent are bad for me. I’ve never wanted an ordinary job anyway. If you would see my CV, most of what I’ve studied are creative occupations. Even the subject I’m studying now, Web Design, is creative. If I was in an office job, I would be bored out of my mind.

It’s an inner struggle trying to belong somewhere so I stopped trying. I’m perfectly fine with not belonging anywhere. People come and go. I don’t like being detached to anyone. It’s much nicer to meet new people than keeping old ones. Even though old friends are comfortable, it’s not something I look for. I’ve never really had any friends so I’m kind of used to be on my own. Maybe I belong there, in my own world. Sometimes I scare myself for being so laid-back. But when I do stress about things that are difficult, I feel like giving up. I try to find solutions myself and hardly ask for help. First I’m an introvert and it’s hard to speak up. Secondly I’m used to do things by myself.

One place I know I belong to is the city I’ve been born and raised in. I won’t tell you where it is because you shouldn’t really say that on the internet. But I can tell it’s in Finland. When I’m studying in another city, it feels like I’m on another planet. But when I get back home again, I feel at ease. I know my hometown like the back of my back pocket and yet there’s so many places there I haven’t been in. That’s where I belong and that’s my place. Home sweet home, how I miss you so.


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