A herd, an army, call it what you want

herd of giraffes in the horizon
Made in Canva

Ever felt you don’t belong in a certain group? Everyone seems to belong to a herd of some kind. If it’s hobbies, school or in a workplace. No one seems to have the same interest as you or you study something you’re interested in but still, it feels you don’t belong. You don’t how many times I felt like that. I don’t belong to any herd or army, call it what you want. I’m a loner but still, it would be nice to belong somewhere. Of course, there is always the internet but I’ll never find anything in real life where I could feel I belong. Internet in that sense is the greatest thing in the world. That’s a world I feel most comfortable with. Blogging is one of those things that I feel I’m a part of that herd. It still can a lonely business but that’s something I don’t suffer from. Alone but hardly lonely or how does the saying go.

When I was younger I felt like an outsider and I didn’t like the feeling at all. Now I don’t think about it. I don’t really care. I’m my own person and if you don’t like being by yourself, you’ll never learn how good it feels to be alone once in a while. When I feel I belong in a group, it still feels like I don’t belong. It’s because it’s usually only one thing I have in common with them and the rest is nothing. I’m old enough to know there is no point spending time with people who aren’t at the same wavelength as me. I will rather be alone than feeling bored with people I don’t feel connected to. I can talk to people but it won’t become friendships and I’m totally fine with that. The main thing is that I’ve finished my educations despite that.

I want to walk my own path and I don’t really need a herd. That’s what independence means. Doing things you like and not being forced to be or do something others expect you to. I don’t need a lot of people around me to be happy. That’s the introvert in me. Too much noise and too many people are stressful. In Helsinki Design School last time, I had to take a walk on the break because a lot of people were talking at once. It was a relief to go out and when I came back I felt more relaxed. I will never understand why people want to be in herds when you have to talk loudly to be heard. Pubs and clubs are places I want to avoid. It’s better to follow your own heart than do everything the herd do. If I want to join a herd I think long and hard if I want to follow it or not. But mostly I don’t and that should be absolutely fine for others.

Advent Calendar, Day 14

elephant toy at a window
Nori watching the rain

Finding your place in this world is not only a teenage problem. Being an adult is no picnic either. Some find their place easily and some don’t. I’m the latter. I’ve never really known what I wanted to be. It always felt I’m behind in everything. The reason I’ve studied a lot was because I’ve never really felt I belonged anywhere. I’ve studied something I liked at first but then later realised it wasn’t for me. Maybe because my fellow students weren’t my kind of people. The atmosphere in a class room is very important to me. It’s nicer to study with nice people than with people who aren’t. I also get bored easily and my interests change.

I don’t feel comfortable anywhere really so it takes time for me to adapt in new surroundings. It’s easier now than it was when I was younger though. I do things that feel right and not what is realistic. That causes problems, like getting a job. I’ve been told my wishes are too unrealistic so I should do something else. But I prefer doing things I like and not how much I get paid. I’m not money driven. I rather have job that I like. Some say a job is a job (my mother said it) but I’m picky. There are jobs I can’t do, like cleaning because I have an atopic dermatitis and all kinds of strong detergent are bad for me. I’ve never wanted an ordinary job anyway. If you would see my CV, most of what I’ve studied are creative occupations. Even the subject I’m studying now, Web Design, is creative. If I was in an office job, I would be bored out of my mind.

It’s an inner struggle trying to belong somewhere so I stopped trying. I’m perfectly fine with not belonging anywhere. People come and go. I don’t like being detached to anyone. It’s much nicer to meet new people than keeping old ones. Even though old friends are comfortable, it’s not something I look for. I’ve never really had any friends so I’m kind of used to be on my own. Maybe I belong there, in my own world. Sometimes I scare myself for being so laid-back. But when I do stress about things that are difficult, I feel like giving up. I try to find solutions myself and hardly ask for help. First I’m an introvert and it’s hard to speak up. Secondly I’m used to do things by myself.

One place I know I belong to is the city I’ve been born and raised in. I won’t tell you where it is because you shouldn’t really say that on the internet. But I can tell it’s in Finland. When I’m studying in another city, it feels like I’m on another planet. But when I get back home again, I feel at ease. I know my hometown like the back of my back pocket and yet there’s so many places there I haven’t been in. That’s where I belong and that’s my place. Home sweet home, how I miss you so.