Bloganuary: Wouldn’t be good

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sheet music on keyboards
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A song that speaks to me is Nik Kershaw’s ‘Wouldn’t be good’. It’s one of the songs of my life. My life is never easy. People don’t understand me; if they walked in my shoes, they would. They think their own life is easy, and they’re all happy. Life isn’t and shouldn’t be easy. We all have our ups and downs. People who have never been through the way I have don’t understand how it feels. I have days that feel like, what’s the point of doing anything. I could sleep all day and only have my hobbies. People who meet me think after the first impression they know me, but they don’t. Strangely, you should be yourself; it’s not enough when you are. I’m reserved because of the things that happened in the past. I trusted someone, and then they deceived me. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t trust people. I need to know the person a bit better before I can put my trust in them. Most of the time, they’re not patient enough trying to get to know me. They only assume what I’m like. Sometimes I wish I could be somewhere else instead.

Wouldn’t it be good by Nik Kershaw

I love 80s music, and this song is one of them. It’s my power song. The lyrics give me good feelings. It makes me think I’m not the only one that feels this way. No matter how you see the lyrics, you have to agree the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Bloganuary: Lie or only denial

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lie and truth sign
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I don’t know if it’s a lie or only a denial, but I’m not as good as I think I am. I question my skills all the time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I keep putting off things. For example, since 2018, I’ve thought about becoming an entrepreneur. I went to a course about it too. I wanted to become many things, but I constantly changed my mind. I kept telling myself I was good at something, but then I didn’t get the response I wished for from others. I thought I was only an average photographer, writer or anything creative. I thought I couldn’t make it professionally. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I could. I’m worried people will see through me, but they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. The truth about that I should choose a profession other than something creative. My photos and designs are plain, and no one would want to pay me because they might make them for free elsewhere. That kind of doubt is often in my head.

Sometimes I wonder if people understand what I’m writing about. Am I the writer that I think I am? It’s not like I’m writing a novel here. I’ve got good feedback about my fiction, and people like my blog posts. But my writing is a hobby. I don’t get paid for it. Writing is the only thing I feel comfortable about. I know I’m good at it. I won’t lie or deny it. It’s other things that I think I’m lying to myself about. There will always be someone who is a better photographer than me. The same goes for graphic design and other creative things. I don’t like the “not being good enough to get paid for”- feeling. I have never wanted an ordinary job where you go at 8 or 9 am and then home at 4 or 5 pm. I can’t sit still and do something boring all day. I need change, and that’s what creative work is. But I can’t get hired because I have no job experience in the field. It’s challenging to get any of that.

As an introvert, it’s hard for me to know what my strengths are. I lie, or I’m in denial that I’m versatile, but am I truly so? Is that even a strength? A killer can be versatile by killing different kinds of people. I like doing different things, and I guess I’m doing OK with them. I wish I was more confident about my skills and not always doubting them. Being honest with yourself is easier than lying. But also, you shouldn’t forget that life does not always go as planned. If you lie to yourself about that, then you’re in denial.

Bloganuary: Repost: Dream jobs as a child

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treat

When you’re a child you have these dreams about what you want to be when you grow up. Maybe some does make those dreams come true. Someone wants to become a doctor or a police man. They already know what they want to be at a very young age. Others only have dreams what they want to become but when they get older, they got other interests.

I’ve had dreams what kind a job I wanted to do. When I was 6 I wanted to become a baker. I helped mother in the kitchen. We made gingerbread at Christmas. Then there were times when we made buns or cookies. Just baking in general was fun. But when I got older, it wasn’t much fun anymore. Not to mention early mornings. I’m definitely not a morning person. Bakers needs to get up early and baking in general is too much work. Baking once in a while is nice but to do it as a living is not.

Once I had a small thought about owning a candy store. Eat candy all day. But it’s nothing like that. You are supposed to sell them to other people, not eat them yourself 😀 That was just a thought. But a nice one. I don’t think there are many candy stores anymore. At least not here. People rather buy candy from grocery stores and other stores.

When I became a teenager, I wanted to become a singer. We used to sing at home a lot when I was a  child. I thought I was good. When I listened to old tapes, I realised I didn’t. At least not as good as a singer should be. I’ve always sing along to tunes but that’s as far it goes. I’m not that much into performing either. Even though I’ve been on stage in school plays and such.

When it comes today, I still don’t know what I want to be. But that’s another story for another day.

(Day 2 of NaBloPoMo)

Originally published on November 3, 2015