Tag: about me

Always dubious

Mia1 Comment

question marksSometimes I feel like I don’t really know what I want from life. I’m always dubious about my skills. Am I good enough? Do other people see me as an uncertain person who has a low self-esteem? Am I too negative? I constantly doubt myself. I should be confident and believe in me. If I don’t believe in myself, how can I expect others to do the same? I shouldn’t compare myself to others but when I see other people work on Behance for example, I feel I never have a chance. They have done more in design than me and they’re younger. I’m only started and they’ve done it for years. I don’t have much to show. If I apply for a job, I know I won’t get it. They take someone who’s done a lot of things. I’m never even had a real job but at least I’ve had clients. It was on the job learning but it still should count.

What I dislike the most about the job search is writing a cover letter. I never know how to start and what to write. I can’t find words to describe myself. Another problem is, do I have enough knowledge to do the job? It’s not like I keep practising my skills. It feels like my style is not good enough to get a job. I have these ideas but maybe they just look good in my head. It’s difficult for me to judge my own work. At the moment I’m planning some self-promotion but it feels all the work will be a waste. I don’t want to waste time on something that has no value in the end. I also get distracted easily. Watching a video or writing fiction seems more interesting than a doing actual job. In my case, practice.

I would think I would know by now what I actually want. But I’m still confused. I’m too dubious about things I do and think. I probably change my mind like Madonna changes styles. If I got the doubt out of my mind, things would be easier. Now I just run around in circles. I applied for one job at least while I thought about what to write in this post. That’s something at least. I could say fingers crossed but I still doubt I’ll even get an interview. You never know if you don’t try, right?

One riff at the time

Mia4 Comments

quitar riffI take days as they come. In another word, one riff at a time. I don’t like to plan ahead because if I do, things won’t go the way I want it. I’ve had too many disappointments in my life.

If I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. How would I know what I do in 5 years? I might have plans for a few days at a time but not what I do in the long run. I like it that way because life is full of surprises. You never know where it will take you. I thought my mother would have been around for years but cancer took her away. That’s something you can’t plan. I lived day by day even more after that.

When I started this blog, I didn’t think it would interest people. Maybe a few but I never thought I would get over 400 followers. That might not sound a lot a lot but for me, it’s a great achievement. It’s taken at least 4 years getting here but better late than never. This not blog doesn’t have fashion, food or any other subjects out there. That was the whole point of starting this. Being different. Blogging doesn’t need to be something you make money from. It can also be a hobby. So if I had planned how this blog would be, it would have ended in tears. But since I didn’t have high expectations or any goals, I haven’t had the need to be disappointed. I’ve taken one riff at a time. From one post to another and will continue so.

I can always wish what could happen but that only makes me sad inside. Too many times I’ve dreamed about things but they’ll never be a reality. It’s dreams that are impossible to fulfil. I’ll never meet people I want to meet. I’ll never get a chance to experience what I want to experience. But these things come and go. Some things are not meant to be and that’s OK. Fantasy and reality are two different things. You have to take what is given and make the best out of it. I take one riff at the time. If people want to plan their life on year bases, I let them. It just isn’t for me. I like to be surprised. I wish they would be something positive for a change.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Don’t you let your demons pull you down

MiaLeave a comment
broken egg
Post title ‘Shine’ by Take That

I’ve always been careful. Doing things gingerly has its advantages but also disadvantages. I don’t make rational decisions. I think first before acting. But if you don’t break an egg, you can’t get much. I hate myself for not taking more chances. I could be so much more but my inner demons are holding me back. I’m too afraid to fail so I don’t even try. It feels like I’m way behind everyone else. People younger than me have already achieved something in their life because they took chances. I’m a little mouse in the corner who is too scared to move. When I was younger, it was even worse. Being around people made me uncomfortable and talking to strangers felt unnatural. I think I got braver when I stopped thinking what others might think of me. Also because I had to. My mother was really important to me but when she died, I couldn’t be that scared little girl anymore. No one will never really know me the way I know myself. You can’t really walk in someone else’s shoes. The only person who can really understand you is you.

I don’t have the urge to tell the whole world what kind of person I am or what I really like. I don’t use social media like a lot of people do. If it died my life wouldn’t be over. I could live without social media. For me, it’s just a tool and my life doesn’t depend on it. I do things gingerly and think carefully what I post. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have a lot of followers. I don’t talk about too private things and I don’t post selfies of myself. But it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t like that much attention. I’m happy with what I have. It’s about quality. There’s no point having followers who only want to fill their own list.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things gingerly. Actually, there should be more of it in the world. There are people who want to hurt you intentionally. People only seem to care about themselves and not be sensitive. They write insults online about someone’s appearance or opinions. If they can’t say anything nice, then they shouldn’t say anything at all. If you have an opinion, you can say it nicely. Not saying anything at all is also an option. I always try to be as gingerly as possible. I’m not the one who criticize people about how they look. I can keep my opinions to myself. I’m not trying to blow my own horn here but if people were more like me, things would be much better. Sometimes it feels like I’m one of the few who still have respect for other people. Especially young people who don’t seem to have any common sense. If they even had any in the first place. They weren’t any better when I was at their age either. Luckily I wasn’t one of them.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna