discover – Page 2 – In my world

risks — Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201301/introverts-and-risk-look-think-leap

Who knows more about introversion than a person who is? I can’t begin to imagine how an extrovert feels because I’ve never been one. How many introverts have heard, “why are you so quiet?” or “you don’t say much”? A few years ago I didn’t even think about what introversion was. The word didn’t belong in my vocabulary. I just thought I was shy and reserved. I was but it was a risky business. Or lack of it more like it. I wanted to say to people I’m not quiet. I just chose who I talk to. If a conversation wasn’t interesting enough, of course I wouldn’t say anything. Why would I care about subjects that doesn’t interest me? If extroverts don’t know how to stop, then what’s the point of an introvert to interrupt their conversations? We do have manners after all.

As an introvert, risk taking is not my strongest suit. I missed a lot of things because I was too worried about taking a chance. I wanted to study abroad when I was a teenager but my mother thought it was too expensive and it was. I could have gone when I had my own money but I never did. I just accepted I would never get a chance. Introversion was part of my cowardness.

If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul. – Drew Barrymore

That’s the story of my life. Things are easier said than done. When someone says you should call that and that person, it’s easy to say, just do it. But for an introvert it’s not. I hate the feeling I get when I’m suppose to call a stranger. I’m really nervous. I think about what to say for a long time. Then I start to think about all kinds of scenarios of what could happen. I’m so worried I’ll screw up or get misunderstood. I would lose a lot of job opportunities this way if I had any. I’m just not a risk taker.

I’ve had taken some small risks. I did get an education. I took a risk to apply to Helsinki Design School to study photography and I got in without any help to fill the application. I did call that digital marketing company and got an interview. I didn’t get any work practise but I was proud of myself for taking that step to call a stranger. Those are risks some people might see it as a no brainer but for me it was an accomplishment. Even going to the store to buy a TV is risk taking. I’m not socially awkward and don’t suffer from anxiety, I just feel uncomfortable around strangers. That’s why I prefer buying things online.

It’s better be safe than sorry. People who take big risks, end up disappointed more often. I rather do things properly than do things on a whim. I think long and hard when I want to buy something expensive. Even if I was a millionaire I would still do things that way. I want to buy quality and not because I must have things.
Having this blog is a risk itself. I do reveal things about myself I wouldn’t normally do with people I’ve never met. As a private person it’s an achievement to be this open about things. As open as I’ve been so far at least. I still want to keep stuff to myself though. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Not bad for an introvert, right?

I am a Gemini, there for I have 2 identities. One is the identity at home, the other is the one I show people. In a way I do have 3 but the 3rd is something no one knows about. Sounds like I have an identity crisis 😀 Or a multi personality disorder or hiding from the law but that’s not it. I know who I am and what I’m like. I’ve never had problems with my identity. I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. Problems are elsewhere.

I’ve always been careful and sometimes too much. I think it has to do with loosing someone at a very young age. Sometimes I think what kind of person I would be if my sister lived. Maybe I would have been more outgoing or maybe braver than I am now. It’s kind if unnecessary to think what could have been. You can’t change the past. My mother said once, maybe if she had done things differently I could have been less sensitive. But it wasn’t her fault. I don’t blame anyone. Not even those people who hurt me emotionally in school. It’s just the way things went and there’s nothing to do then go forward. It has taken years to realise that I am what I am and I should be proud to be different. Because that’s what my identity is.

I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. In the teenage years others smoked and drank because they thought that’s the only way to have fun. For me that was stupid. Especially smoking. I’ve never tried it because what’s the point. I won’t gain anything from that. I hated disco’s in school and I was glad I was never invited to parties. I was once but that was because of pity but I said no. It was just a ‘get drunk’ party anyway. I hate that stuff. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you never had.

When people first meet me, they get the impression this is how I am all the time. You won’t get to see the person I am by just one meeting. That’s the reason I probably find it hard to find a job. My first impression is not the best. You get to know me step by step. Even then you really won’t know what I’m really like. Introversion is part of my identity. I chose who I open up too. It has to do with not trusting people completely. Once you get hurt by others, you’ll be careful the rest of your life. But that’s my identity. It’s nothing personal.

I’m also stubborn. You can’t force me to do things I don’t want to. I do them in my own time. If it’s really important I can do them straight away. But don’t rush me. I hate rushing things. You don’t want to see my dark side. People who doesn’t know me thinks I’m quiet and serious but at home I’m totally the opposite. I’m opinionated and swear like a sailor (almost 😀 ) But I can also be playful and childlike but that’s a side I only show people I really know.

When I look myself in a mirror I see a different person. What I feel inside and the way I look, doesn’t go together. That’s one of the reasons I don’t like mirrors. I feel confident inside but when it comes to my looks, I feel insecure. I prefer being behind the camera instead of being at the front. I don’t post photos of me online but that’s a choice. I don’t want to be like everybody else. I dare to be different. I want people to know my mind and see what I’m good at. That’s part of my identity.