Two identities in one

identityI am a Gemini, there for I have 2 identities. One is the identity at home, the other is the one I show people. In a way I do have 3 but the 3rd is something no one knows about. Sounds like I have an identity crisis 😀 Or a multi personality disorder or hiding from the law but that’s not it. I know who I am and what I’m like. I’ve never had problems with my identity. I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. Problems are elsewhere.

I’ve always been careful and sometimes too much. I think it has to do with loosing someone at a very young age. Sometimes I think what kind of person I would be if my sister lived. Maybe I would have been more outgoing or maybe braver than I am now. It’s kind if unnecessary to think what could have been. You can’t change the past. My mother said once, maybe if she had done things differently I could have been less sensitive. But it wasn’t her fault. I don’t blame anyone. Not even those people who hurt me emotionally in school. It’s just the way things went and there’s nothing to do then go forward. It has taken years to realise that I am what I am and I should be proud to be different. Because that’s what my identity is.

I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. In the teenage years others smoked and drank because they thought that’s the only way to have fun. For me that was stupid. Especially smoking. I’ve never tried it because what’s the point. I won’t gain anything from that. I hated disco’s in school and I was glad I was never invited to parties. I was once but that was because of pity but I said no. It was just a ‘get drunk’ party anyway. I hate that stuff. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you never had.

When people first meet me, they get the impression this is how I am all the time. You won’t get to see the person I am by just one meeting. That’s the reason I probably find it hard to find a job. My first impression is not the best. You get to know me step by step. Even then you really won’t know what I’m really like. Introversion is part of my identity. I chose who I open up too. It has to do with not trusting people completely. Once you get hurt by others, you’ll be careful the rest of your life. But that’s my identity. It’s nothing personal.

I’m also stubborn. You can’t force me to do things I don’t want to. I do them in my own time. If it’s really important I can do them straight away. But don’t rush me. I hate rushing things. You don’t want to see my dark side. People who doesn’t know me thinks I’m quiet and serious but at home I’m totally the opposite. I’m opinionated and swear like a sailor (almost 😀 ) But I can also be playful and childlike but that’s a side I only show people I really know.

When I look myself in a mirror I see a different person. What I feel inside and the way I look, doesn’t go together. That’s one of the reasons I don’t like mirrors. I feel confident inside but when it comes to my looks, I feel insecure. I prefer being behind the camera instead of being at the front. I don’t post photos of me online but that’s a choice. I don’t want to be like everybody else. I dare to be different. I want people to know my mind and see what I’m good at. That’s part of my identity.

I know you're there. Why do you linger in the shadows?

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