I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.
I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.
I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.
It’s been said to me my wishes are too unrealistic. Especially when I was younger and I didn’t know what I wanted to be. Maybe they are but I’ve always been a dreamer. It’s a balance between dreams and reality. I dream too much and get very disappointed when the reality hits. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped dreaming about big things. But being a dreamer has good sides too. I have a very good imagination which helps when you write fan fiction. I’ve always been good at making up stories. Writing in general. I prefer that to talking. Yesterday I read an old statement that the unemployment agency had made about me when I was younger. It said I was not being social enough at a workplace. I actually had a good laugh about other stuff they wrote. They probably thought I wasn’t fit for work because I didn’t have a qualification at the time. Thinking about it now years later they were so wrong about me. All those psychology tests I went through didn’t show the whole truth. They tried to fix me when I wasn’t even broken. Everyone has issues so I was no exception. Today I don’t even care what others think of me.
Sometimes I want to live in my little dream world but other times I want to be in this reality. If you begin to live in your dreams, you can begin to think the reality will be the same. That’s how stalking begins. Especially when you’re a teenager. Some might think they’re gonna marry their celebrity crushes but in reality, they will never meet them. If they did, nothing would happen. They wouldn’t fall head over heels over them as soon as they met their fan. In dreams it could happen but not in real life. You need to have your feet firmly on the ground and face the facts. You read about stalkers in real life where they follow their former partner and think they would take them back. When it comes to another person you can’t control them to feel the same about you. Life is not a finished script that everyone follows. Reality is more complicated than that.
Life would be perfect if things went as planned. You don’t always get what you want and you just need to move on. We get born, we get good things, we suffer and then we die. That’s life in short. A balance between dreams and reality. I only wish my efforts would pay off once in a while but they don’t. People shouldn’t wonder why my inner life is more active than the outside world. I live in my head for two reasons and those are, I’m an introvert and the other is, too disappointments in other people. I don’t want to use my energy to things that aren’t important to me. It’s a waste of time to spend time with people who have no interest in me whatsoever. Like a Pin on Pinterest said, I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social. Reality has hit me so many times, dreams have become an escape. I’ve had bad times but I’m still here. Things could have gone the other way around but I still have my sanity. It’s because of my inner life and balancing dreams with reality. Besides, there must be someone with a clear head in this insane world. Everyone can’t be like a headless chicken with no common sense. People should be thankful for that.