Retire or keep on trying

two red wooden chairs
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder if I should just retire and forget everything. But I’m too young to do so. If I retired my pension would be quite small. I’m a healthy person and I have no serious problems that could affect my daily life. Every time I see someone who has got a job through an internship or got some great experiences from something, I get this worthless feeling about myself. Other people get things done and all I’m doing is thinking about it. They are also given a chance. If I was offered a job, for example, I would consider taking it. Things like that only happen to others.

You shouldn’t compare yourself to others but in some things, you can’t help it. For me, it’s design skills. I wish I was as confident in it as I am with writing. I have this thought in the back of my head that someone is saying, “even I could do that” Someone actually said that about a photograph I took once. What worries me about my designs is the opinion that it isn’t anything special. I had the same feeling when I got feedback from the teacher about an assignment in graphic design at Helsinki Design School. It was just a feeling and it doesn’t mean they really meant it that way. Now when I see work from current students, I feel even worse because the works are actually good. They’ve had ideas I would never have thought of. In the end, it’s the clients who choose who they want to hire and not what you’re teacher have told you about your assignments. I can’t see anyone hiring me though because my work isn’t amazing. Only average and no one wants to pay for something they can do themselves.

It’s kind of silly to retire when I haven’t done much. Or maybe having unfinished business is the better description. I feel useless and unwanted when it comes to working. You’re either wanted for an internship nor part-time work. Not getting any work experience in your own field is even worse. I have done another job application that isn’t in my field but I don’t know if that will change one bit. I suck at writing applications because I never know what to write. It’s so stressful so I wish I could retire from job search altogether. That’s probably the only thing I want to retire from. But as long as I’m at the age that I can work, I have the obligation (or forced) to do the job searching thing. All you can do is keep on trying and hope for the best.

Ten years of nothing

blurry and dark nothing
Made in Canva

I don’t memorise years so I don’t know what happened when. All I know is that in 10 years I haven’t accomplished nothing to brag about. When others have had career moves, families and other things they’re proud of, I’ve just hung on. But I’ve learned to enjoy the small things because big things only disappoint. If I went to a school reunion I would feel like a failure because I haven’t done anything. I wouldn’t even go. Some people think they need to do something special so they can call them living life. I have never needed to go to some other place to find myself. Whatever finding yourself means. Anyway, the point with this post is going down the memory lane. I got this idea from a post on Instagram.

2010
I studied graphic design in a 2-year education. This was the 2nd year. That’s all of that year.

2011
I graduated from the graphic design education. This was the last year we went to Lapland to ski. I didn’t know it would be the last.

2012
My mother was diagnosed with cancer which was a big chocker. She got treatment and went through operations. There were still hope she would win the decease. The year was a lot of that so I don’t remember anything else. Oh, besides I got an internship in a local newspaper for two weeks as a photographer. Even if my mother was sick she was still concerned about me finding a job.

2013
This year was the most difficult time for me and my family. Mother told us her cancer couldn’t be cured. The doctor had done everything but nothing helped. Soon she got worse and maybe two weeks (or a week) at the hospice she was gone. That Christmas was the worse.

2014
This year I started this blog. I did write occasionally in 2013 but 2014 was the year I really started it. I also studied photography at Helsinki Design School.

2015
I finished photography education. I realised I didn’t want to do photography like a pro after all so it was time to think about something else once again.

2016
I found a web design education that lasted a year. I applied and got in. I wrote a blog about my education which is called ‘My Web Design Haven’. I don’t write it anymore but here it is. The education included on-the-job learning where you should find clients by yourself. Luckily I found at least one. That was hard because coding is not my favourite thing but luckily the client was very understanding. I got good feedback from the client as well.

2017
There was another on the job learning and this time we had to have at least 3 clients. I found them but only two of them was serious.  This was the time I really started to think about entrepreneurship. I really liked the thought of not having to go anywhere and I could choose my own time. To pass the education we had to have a presentation of our client work in front of 3 valuators. It was really nerve-wracking. In the end, I passed and graduated. I only had one job interview but that’s something I don’t want to remember. I went to my first ever live concert that summer and that was Robbie Williams. I wasn’t sure I would go but I’m glad I did.

2018
At the beginning of that year, I got accepted to a course about entrepreneurship. It was mostly done online but we had some meetings too. The hardest part was writing a business plan. After that course, I decided to apply to Helsinki Design School again. This time in graphic design. I applied to it twice and the 2nd time I got in. My plan was to add graphic design to my services if I would become an entrepreneur.

2019

I was on a plane for the first time in my life. I and dad went to the Canarian Islands. I got through the graphic design education. This is where I began to rethink about entrepreneurship and I’m still doubting. I applied for a job in something else but the interview was just that and nothing else. I hate it when I have to assume I didn’t get the job. Again they didn’t give me an answer. But I didn’t want the job anyway.

2020
Then there’s this year. I’m getting a new laptop because my old one has Windows 7 and they won’t update that anymore. I’m changing brands as well. It’s a Mac which I’ve used before so it’s nothing new. Then there’s the concert by Elton John at the end of summer. That’s all I know so far.

So there you have it. Ten years of nothing is not entirely true. I did do things so it’s not all boring. Both happy and sad things but nothing to brag about on social media and such. Where I will be ten years later is a question I don’t want to reply to. I don’t even know what I’m doing at the weekend. No one really knows what will happen in 10 years. It’s only wishful thinking.

The aftermath of 2019

horizon in car side window
Made in Canva

Christmas holiday is over. I and dad went to Tallinn, Estonia. The trip went well. There was Christmas entertainment on the cruise ship and on Christmas Day we took a walk to the town. Luckily the weather wasn’t rainy as it was last year. We ate so much on the ship so we wouldn’t need to eat at all for a few days. So after buying bags full of candy/sweets, it’s back to normal again.  The year is soon over and it’s time to do the aftermath of the year 2019. For me, it was quite eventful which isn’t every year. So let’s get started before I forget.

In April we went to Playa Del Inglés in Canarian Islands. A story I still haven’t finished so sorry about that. I don’t even know how much I remember from the trip anymore. I’m a bit lazy when it comes to writing about trips and editing photos. I think I still have those photos in my memory card. So far I’ve only written 2 parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Other things have occupied my mind so I haven’t remembered to write the next part. I might finish it next year. Let that be one goal of mine in 2020.

Then not so good things. I came back from Helsinki where I studied graphic design. When I got home from the bus, I tripped and fell on my face. I cracked two of my front teeth. What upset me the most was the lack of help I got when I laid there on the payment. One young guy just walked by and didn’t even look my way. So much for Finnish hospitality. I had to get up myself. It hurt like hell and my nose got scratches as well. Luckily I had a tissue to I could stop the bleeding. I had to call my dad to take me to the emergency room. Then I had to wait in the waiting room for ages before I got an icepack for my upper lip. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Then I had to wait for the doctor for hours. They fixed my teeth at least with a temporary filling. Before that, I looked like an ice hockey player. Become of this accident I had to skip school and I couldn’t eat or drink properly for weeks. Luckily my nose wasn’t broken because that would have been even worse. Now my teeth are fixed and back to normal. But it was an experience I never want to go through again.

Then the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School ended. I wouldn’t say I graduated since I’m not officially a graphic designer. At least not in my own mind. I’m glad at least for getting through the education. The thing that I feel really sorry about was that I had to skip a day when they taught web design. I’ve already studied it but it would have been interesting to see how the teacher we had taught the class. Every teacher teaches differently. The other thing was my portfolio presentation. I didn’t get the feedback that could have helped me in the future because of my screw up. I wouldn’t say the education was a waste of time because I did get something out of it. But it didn’t give me any hope of working in the graphic design field. Actually, it made me feel even worse about my skills. Now I’m here wasting my time and the things I learned in this school is slowly fading away from my mind. Just like with the web design education. When the motivation is low you don’t feel like practising your skills.

In the job search, things don’t look bright either. I applied to 2 jobs outside my field. I got one interview but that’s didn’t go anywhere. I got no reply for either of them so it means I didn’t get it. I also applied to a Recruitment Training program called DigiTalentPro but I wasn’t chosen for that either. I’ve heard negative reviews of the program so I’m not really sorry about it. It seems I only get one job interview every second year which isn’t much fun. I went to a job fair but I only went to listen to a couple of speakers. And one of them I met which I’m most proud of because I usually don’t approach celebrities that often.

This year we also went to Stockholm in Sweden. We lived in a hotel. Then I got Spotify Premium because I got tired of the commercials. Also, the microphone on my old mobile stopped working so I had to start using my dad old smartphone. Then I stopped using Instagram because my tablet is slow and I can’t download any Google Play apps on my phone. I tried to find a solution but nothing worked so decided to skip the whole thing. So that was the aftermath of my 2019. The only thing I know what’s gonna happen in 2020 is the concert of Elton John in September. And my yearly dentist appointment the next day. The rest is your guess is as good as mine.