It’s not about a zoo with animals. I’ve been to a few, in Hamburg, Stockholm and the ones in Finland (Ähtäri and Helsinki Zoo). Also the one close to the city I live in, Zoolandia. In those zoos, the animals are living in peace. But the zoo in my head is having a big fight. The zoo meaning my thoughts. I can’t make up my mind what I really want to do in life. One part keeps me lazy but the other part wants to start something productive. My weakness is the start. I can start a fiction or even this blog but when it comes to projects, I find it difficult to get started. I feel so unmotivated too. I need more confidence or I’ll never move on.

So far I’ve studied photography, graphic design and web design. But the only thing I haven’t found is a job. First of all, there are not many jobs out there in my city. The other is the demands employers have. I’m just not cut for those jobs. I’ve applied for a few but it didn’t bring results. I’m not sure my skills are even that good. It feels like I’m not talented enough. I’m paranoid people think my designs are unimpressive and that I should do something else. In other words, it’s all crap. But then I think, so what? As long as I know what I can do, is all that matters. There’s always someone who does like it. It had taken me years to discover what I want to do. No one can tell me to change occupations again. I have found my so-called calling and I won’t let it go. The toughest challenge is to get yourself out there. There are so many designers who got a lot to show and I’m only starting out.

The zoo in my head is preventing me to do things out of my comfort zone. One of them is what kind of design I really want to do. I’m not very technical so web developing seems too complicated. I didn’t even like coding in school. I’ve thought about graphic design again. I applied for one education but it’s already been a month and still nothing. I guess my luck had run out when it comes to education. At least I save money. It was quite expensive. In a way, it would have been a good learning curve. The teachers would have been pros. I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t get in but since I already have the basic knowledge of the subject. It would probably be a repeat anyway. I’ve been to that school before (2014-2015) but it’s wasn’t as cool as they make it sound. Last time it didn’t give me anything special. After 3 years I’m still in the same place as I was then.

People make it sounds so easy to start a business. There’s a lot of examples on Pinterest. How to work from home. How someone made this much money in this amount of time. How to earn money on Pinterest. All of these tips are abroad so I don’t know if any of them would work in Finland. There are so many rules you have to go by. Taxes and all that. Having a business in any country seems so complicated. Applying for a job in a company seems the easiest way. If you go it alone you have to sell yourself. Branding, networking etc. It’s so overwhelming for an introvert and especially for a shy one. If I had to choose I would do all the networking on the computer.

That’s not the biggest challenge though. It’s the standing out thing. How can you stand out and how to explain it in words, that’s the dilemma. I’m me and there’s no one like that. It doesn’t say much. I just can’t explain myself in words like that. That’s what I hate the most about the job search. Explaining yourself to strangers. I wish people would just accept the answer, I’m me and that’ll never change. But things always need to be explained as complicated as possible. That’s the reason there’s a zoo in my mind. Simplicity would make things much more bearable and everything would be easier.