Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know what I want from life. I’m always dubious about my skills. Am I good enough? Do other people see me as an uncertain person who has a low self-esteem? Am I too negative? I constantly doubt myself. I should be confident and believe in me. If I don’t believe in myself, how can I expect others to do the same? I shouldn’t compare myself to others but when I see other people work on Behance for example, I feel I never have a chance. They have done more in design than me and they’re younger. I’m only started and they’ve done it for years. I don’t have much to show. If I apply for a job, I know I won’t get it. They take someone who’s done a lot of things. I’m never even had a real job but at least I’ve had clients. It was on the job learning but it still should count.
What I dislike the most about the job search is writing a cover letter. I never know how to start and what to write. I can’t find words to describe myself. Another problem is, do I have enough knowledge to do the job? It’s not like I keep practising my skills. It feels like my style is not good enough to get a job. I have these ideas but maybe they just look good in my head. It’s difficult for me to judge my own work. At the moment I’m planning some self-promotion but it feels all the work will be a waste. I don’t want to waste time on something that has no value in the end. I also get distracted easily. Watching a video or writing fiction seems more interesting than a doing actual job. In my case, practice.
I would think I would know by now what I actually want. But I’m still confused. I’m too dubious about things I do and think. I probably change my mind like Madonna changes styles. If I got the doubt out of my mind, things would be easier. Now I just run around in circles. I applied for one job at least while I thought about what to write in this post. That’s something at least. I could say fingers crossed but I still doubt I’ll even get an interview. You never know if you don’t try, right?
Post title “I Believe/All I Need to Know” by Duran Duran
I have all these thoughts that simmer in my mind about what I want to do in life. It’s a deep blue pool but I don’t seem to find a lifebelt to save me from drowning. When I do get an idea out there, it seems to disappear into outer space with the rest of them. It’s difficult to stay positive when life gives you sour grapes. I keep searching for something but I don’t know what it really is. I used to have doubts about this blog too. I didn’t think it would get this far but I didn’t give up. People have found it even if it did take about 4 years or so. At least it feels that long. I wish I could be as patient as I have been with blogging. It feels like my life is getting shorter and I don’t have time to do anything before I leave this earth. But it’s not the end. I still have at least 30 years left of working years.
My life hasn’t been the way I expected it to be. I thought I would have a career by now but it’s not even close. I have no special goals and I have no ambition. People at a young age know what they want to do and they get to a position where they get experience. There’s a lot of younger people than myself who works in web design and they’ve come much further because they started when they were in their 20’s. I’m not even sure now if I really want to be a web designer. It felt like a good idea earlier in the year but now my uncertainty has come back. Maybe I’m just afraid to start anything. Now I don’t have a teacher to help me. Everything seems easy in my head but when the time comes to do something, I back off. I wrote about the life after web design education in my other blog so I don’t want to repeat things.
You might think only ordinary people have problems getting started but it can happen to anyone. Even the most obvious ones. For example, you would think someone like Tom Hiddleston would have got movie roles easily but it isn’t so. They say he wasn’t made for the big screen and that he wouldn’t get roles in blockbuster movies. Or something like that. If he had given up a movie career, it would have been a great loss for all of us who like him. No one has said to me I can’t do it but I can imagine how it would feel like. When I hear stories like that, it gives me motivation to not give up. If I only had the courage to do something instead of complaining about how difficult things are. Maybe they’re not at all but my subconscious is holding me back. I got through difficult times before and I conquered them all. What I plan to do next shouldn’t be impossible. It might simmer but not boiling over. I need to stay grounded and better things will follow.
Recently on The daily post in daily prompt, there’s been words that are kind of hinting. Words like Believe, Risky, Ascend, Loyal and now Brave. It’s like they are trying to tell me something. All of those words have a meaning when it comes to job search. You need to believe in yourself and be loyal to your goals. Without some risk you’ll won’t get far. You want to ascend to the next level of your life and not get stuck. Most of all you need to be brave and that’s where I lack it. Sometimes I do feel brave though. Like when I went to see Robbie Williams this summer. From my point of view that is a brave move. I didn’t back down like I usually do. I just took the chance and went. I’m not into big crowds but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I ended up having a really good time. I wish I could be brave like that more often.
Back in 2015, I wrote a post about my job search. Some things have changed since then. Like the photography and job search campaigns thing. The latter I skipped altogether. When you looked through a lot of job ads, they’re soon coming out of your ears. I can understand why some unemployed think job search is useless. I hate the writing part where you have to explain yourself why you’re the one the employers are looking for. Especially when I have to write them in Finnish. My mother tongue is Swedish so it shines through in my writing. At least that’s what my web design teacher told me. I’ve always thought my Finnish writing was alright but now I feel insecure. Maybe the reason why I haven’t got even an interview is because of the writing. I have got into education despite that so it can’t be it. Finnish is not the easiest language so it’s not that easy for Finns either. If I keep looking to work for someone else, all my skills I’ve learned so far will go to waste. Honestly, I’m getting fed up with this whole job search thing. The gaps in my work experience are probably too high but at least I wasn’t totally lazy. I did have those clients when I studied web design so I do have some experience in the field.
I don’t really know what to call myself anymore. Yesterday I did something I didn’t think I would do. I applied for an education for a graphic designer in the same school where I studied a photographer degree, Helsinki Design School. Applying doesn’t do any harm. If I don’t get in, it doesn’t matter. I’m still looking for work and if I did find one, I could still go to school. Some say this school is a joke and that the degrees don’t mean anything. Even though I didn’t get a job in photography, I still experienced things I wouldn’t normally do. Employers might not see the degrees worthwhile but in the end, it’s the skills of people that matter. I think in Finland, certificates are too important. Especially in design. There are different ways to educate yourself and you don’t need to go to fancy schools to learn. Jealousy is a problem in Finland. If you have taken a simpler route to design, you get the look you’re not good enough. They don’t say it out loud but you know they mean it.
I see younger people’s work in design and I feel I’ve no chance in the business. I feel like Chandler Bing in Friends when he changes jobs and he started to work in advertising where all these young people worked. He felt so old and thought he didn’t have a chance. In the end, he did get a job there as a manager or something like that. In real life, you can’t get a job that easily if you have no experience or education. Employers are so into thinking about the future so they hire younger people. But how much do these 20 something know anything about life anyway? Of course, they should also get a chance but experienced shouldn’t be disregarded either. I wish I had the power to hire unemployees who’s been rejected for different reasons. But that’s too much for one person to handle. Being the employer is no piece of cake either.
As for what to call myself. I want to do something more than just designing websites. I wonder what people think of long job titles. How about web designer/photographer/graphic designer. Just designer doesn’t say much. It still feels weird to call myself a designer. They say you should stand out of from the crowd and that is it. I can do more than just one thing. The whole standing out is a bit strange. Aren’t we all a bit different in some way? I for sure hope there’s no one like me out there. I couldn’t handle two of me. At least I have been brave enough to be different and not walk the same path other people expect me to. I’m going all the way and it doesn’t matter what others think. Always follow the path you’ve chosen. That’s what I call bravery.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know what I want from life. I’m always dubious about my skills. Am I good enough? Do other people see me as an uncertain person who has a low self-esteem? Am I too negative? I constantly doubt myself. I should be confident and believe in me. If I don’t believe in myself, how can I expect others to do the same? I shouldn’t compare myself to others but when I see other people work on Behance for example, I feel I never have a chance. They have done more in design than me and they’re younger. I’m only started and they’ve done it for years. I don’t have much to show. If I apply for a job, I know I won’t get it. They take someone who’s done a lot of things. I’m never even had a real job but at least I’ve had clients. It was on the job learning but it still should count.
